...to get access agreement on paper ?

[Gster]

My XP and I split over a month ago. We're still trying to agree on how much time we each spend with our DD.

Am I being unreasonable to ask that when we do agree, this is written on a piece of paper so that there are no ambiguities or future 'misunderstandings'?

It makes sense to write it down and both sign it to avoid misunderstandings but it won't be a binding contract that you're both stuck with forever. I'd suggest you try and consider/address:

Term time
half terms
easter
Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing day
New Year
Summer holidays
child's birthday
your birthdays
Mother's day
Father's day

Travel arrangements

Method of communication

If your child is of school age now, get hold of a copy of the term dates so you can see where the holidays fall this year.

It's not unreasonable, it's critical.

Thanks a zillion Zillion, that is very helpful, DD is two at the mo, but it's all relevant.

It's not unreasonable but at the same time given you've only been split a month, chances are its going to be inflammatory. Unless you & your ex are very reasonable & understanding.

Can you email him? Pretend perhaps you've been thinking about it late one night and email instead? Then you can print off the trail when he replies?

Frankly whatever you agree now is just an agreement anyway and means nothing in reality if he decides to change his mind. So I wouldn't bother with signing anything.

Dont forget one day, you may want things to change too.

But when you do agree contact, make sure it includes start & stop times. So for example, 3pm until 7pm (or whatever). Monday - Tues is too vague and you'll end up arguing over the time.

Also, discuss what will happen if DD is ill. Does she still go if she's with you? Does she come back if she's not?

Lastly, the thing I always say is certainly for the first year or two, any routine should be FIXED. It's tempting to have a "flexible" routine but in practice one always takes the piss. Many ex's will drop a day or two or three to go on the lash with mates, or suddenly have to "work" on their day leaving you high & dry as the resident parent to find a sitter or cancel your own plans.

Hope it helps.

It definitely needs to be a firm agreement. How reasonable is your XP? If he is unreasonable (eg you left him because of his abuse of you) then it's probably better to go in with solicitors from the start, because an unreasonable man will try to use access arrangements in order to jerk your chain (asking for more access than he wants then not turning up or cancelling at short notice, repeatedly threatening to take you to court etc).
If he's a reasonable man and you just grew apart (or indeed you are both reasonable people but one of you fell in love with someone else) you should be able to sort it out: as others have said, agree a regular schedule but be prepared for emergencies such as child getting sick or one of you getting ill/injured or another family memeber having a crisis or indeed a special family occasion falling on the other parent's day.

I should maybe mention I'm a 'he' not a 'she' :-)

Yep, I understand it's only been a month. My XP thinks I'm trying to pressure her into an agreement so I've suggested she take her time, talk to a solicitor but not let it drag on indefinitly .

I can see her point of view and that these things need to be given consideration, but on the other hand I keep hearing things like, 'you can't see DD this week / today as I'm too busy / visiting my mother / have a friend staying etc. So I'd just like to avoid those situations ( with the exception of DD being ill of course ) .

There was no abuse of any kind, a few arguments, but in general we're fairly reasonable people who weren't suited to each other trying to keep things civil.

And I have suggested that to avoid tense discussions we use email to communicate about contentious issues.

50:50 split isn't practicle at the moment. We don't live in the same area and I can't afford to move to where she lives ( without moving into a crappy studio flat )

MagicJamas. Yes I'd hope any agreement does allow for flexibility. Do you think I'm being unreasonable ?

Not a whole week, but I didn't see DD during last week, and I was used to seeing her three nights a week previously.

Yes, it's tricky. I think my XP is trying to be accommodating, it's not like she denies me any time at all with DD, and I can understand if she has a busy week she probably doesn't want me around ( I see DD at her's until we agree on visits and I move to a two bed house ).

( by week I mean mon-fri )

Gster- I would go to mediation like MJ said.

I don't buy XP's excuses for denying you access you not to be able to see DD- she has a right to a relationship with you, end of.

I'd start by going for a written agreement. Flexibility can easily be written into the agreement and you can also put in stuff about emergencies, notice periods for changes to contact etc. You could even write into that the agreement will be reviewed in 12 months and if there isn't any consensus on changes to it then the original agreement will stand.

Sure, such agreements aren't legally binding but they do at least ensure that both parents know what to expect from the other. I had just such a written agreement with my ex at the beginning and I think it helped. It helped me, certainly. It didn't run for very long (for reasons unconnected with the agreement itself) but it did work. And if it does get to court then it can also be shown as evidence of original intent.

If you can't reach an agreement this way then mediation is probably the best next step.

I do think that a 2 year old should be with the mum and not away for 3 nights per week. I have a 3 year old DD and know that if DH and I split, she would not be happy being away from me for half the time as I am the primary carer. My DSs, who are 9,10 and 14, would miss me but would be happy with their dad for half the week.
I know all families are different, but I think it might end up that you don't get as much time as you want while your DD is so young.

I would get a legal agreement, but privately you could agree with your ex that on mothers day you are happy to be flexible and she can be flexible on fathers day etc. Hope things stay amicable for you, but I don't think you can leave things without any structure or you might find that as her life moves on, she finds it easier not to have you involved and you will end up not seeing much of your DD. That would not be fair to you or your child.

Yeah, I said at the weekend that DD and I have a right to see each other. Didn't go down too well.

I think XP is a bit of a control freak. I've heard quite a few other people refer to her as being uptight. I'm probably too relaxed so it's no wonder we split.

I feel a bit sorry for her really.

Gster - this is ringing alarm bells. My friend's DH had similar problems with his ex and he ended up taking her to court because she kept refusing him access for all sorts of trivial reasons. Her attitude was "well I got my maintenance money, that's all I need from you and I don't need you to have a relationship with my daughter" All sorted in the end, and the dd adores her daddy

I would also suggest you get some legal advice and consider mediation.

Good luck!