To be hurt by what my mum said.

[Twinmummy79]

I have been told by DH to let this go but it is really bothering me and I need to know if I am being oversensitive. My mum is great, I love her to bits and she is always supportive and kind. She does have two annoying traits. The first is she cannot keep a secret and the second is that she often opens her mouth and says the first thing she thinks of which can sometimes be very insensitive.

A couple of months ago we were all out for my DH's work (he works in the same dept as my dad) it was at a friends house and kids were invited. My two boys were having fun running around and generally enjoying being allowed to be up a bit past their bed time.

I was having a lovely time too until I heard one of DH's colleagues ask my mother how my brother's new baby compares to my two kids. My mum replied very loudly so the whole room could hear that he was, gorgeous, a far prettier baby than either of mine had been and everybody said so. DH's colleague quickly backpeddled and said 'oh that can't be true child a and child b were beautiful babies' and she was sure they were just different.

I felt very hurt by this, firstly it was embarrassing as I know everybody knew I had heard (I pretended I hadn't and went and pulled myself together in the loo) secondly why would she say that when my kids, DH and I were in the room even if she thought it.

It seems too long ago to say anything to her about it but I just feel disappointed and a bit let down.

YANBU. I can see why your DH has told you to let it go, but it would probably play on my mind too. It seems quite hurtful - does she normally say this sort of thing in jest? Does she treat your DC's differently now your brother's baby has come along? If you are feeling sensitive about this area, a comment like this could really stick in your mind.

yanbu to be hurt by it. it was a very insensitive and tactless thing for her to say

YANBU - that is a really odd and hurtful thing for your Mum to have said. Was she drunk? Not that that's an excuse...

If I was you I would try to sit down with your Mum and tell you how much that hurt you - you'll probably find out that she didn't mean it but just said it for some strange reason of her own. If she is usually supportive and kind I would give her a proper chance to make it up to you. She needs to take you seriously though as it's a horrible thing for her to have said.

Good luck - hope she can help you feel better about this as it is her fault and it is threatening to spoil what sounds like a good relationship.

I don't think you are being oversensitive- that was a really hurtful comment.

However, in the context that she is usually kind, I think you will need to let it go. Does she have a habit of saying mean things? You may need to store up some pithy replies at the ready- so you can say to her at the time when she is being out of order.

I have to say I admire you for not going mental at her in front of everyone. YANBU in any way.
I'd definitely bring it up. Can you phone her and say, "I wasn't going to say anything cos I don't want us to fall out, but it's been preying on my mind..." type of thing?

What I find odd is that someone would have asked her such a strange and loaded question in the first place

I'd have been hurt by her response too especially as my DCs were MUCH better looking than my DBs and would be pissed off.

She doesnt really say anything like that as a joke she just blurts out whatever she is thinking. I think she sometimes enjoys belittling me a bit in social situations. She is one of many sisters so I think a part of her makeup is to be a bit bitchy sometimes. She still dotes on my children just as much as she always has. Though I must admit I do tend to make sure we don't coincide seeing her with her other grandchild as I don't want to compare how she is with mine by comparison. Growing up I was always very competitive with my younger brother (he was the blond haired blue eyed golden boy and I was the attention seeking mousy 3 year old who had her nose pushed well and truly out of joint by his arrival) so I suppose part of my reaction may well be to do with that. I still feel regardless what she said was out of order.

Okay, what she said was really thoughtless and I can see why it would hurt you. No parent likes to think that there is a better looking child on earth than their own, but being brutally honest, some babies start of gorgeous and others grow into their beauty. Admittedly you don't want to hear that is what your mum thinks.

What she said doesn't mean that she loves your brothers baby more than she loves your children. Tbh, it sounds like the sort of thing my mother would say - she is of the opinion that my brother looked like ET when he was born. Now I know that she absolutely adores my brother and thinks that he has grown into a fine looking man but she thinks my sister was a better looking baby. Some people aren't all gooey and think that all babies are equally beautiful.

I know this must have been very hurtful and embarrassing for you and I agree that your mum needs to learn some tact and a sense of what is an inappropriate thing to say, particularly in public. I would talk to her and tell her how you you feel and hopefully she'll be more thoughtful in future.

I think that Karmabeliever is spot on. Some babies are more conventionally attractive than others - but you don't want to hear that that's what your mum thinks of your children. It certainly doesn't mean that she loves your children any the less.

I think that not all parents would have been embarrassed and hurt by these comments, but that your mum should have realised that you would find it upsetting.

Twinmummy, only for the fact that none of my sisters has twins, I would think we had the same mother!

Like yours, My Mum can't keep a secret. My dsis got married in secret and told my Mum before her new IL's but told her not to tell anyone else as IL's didn't koow yet.

Cue my mother telling my uncle who told my cousin who posted Congratulations on Facebook! Cousin didn't know she wasn't supposed to know!

What's worse is that dsis's MIL is actually her friend on FB so could easily have seen. Luckily she didn't

So hell will freeze over before I tell my Mum anything I don't want her sisters to know.

She also puts me down in front of other people. I don't get to visit her that often as I work Saturdays and the kids are in school Mon-Fri and she lives a 2 hour drive away. She knows I can't visit, not that I don't want to, but makes a big deal of it in front of her sisters at social events, even though interestingly enough, she never brings it up with me in private.

I do suspect my Mum may be on the ASD spectrum though.

You are right, I think my kids are gorgeous, I know they aren't hideous and have had many people tell me how cute they are. That being said, her saying that has made me wonder if infact I have parental blindness and my kids are minging and I am the only one who can't see it. My way of counteracting her has been to tell her at every opportunity that my nephew is the absolute spit of my SIL and I can't see any of my brother in him at all. It is my way of getting back at her that his cuteness in her eyes has nothing to do with her genetics. ;)

My brother was an appealing baby and is now a hulk of a man with a nice face but certainly not Brad Pitt. My cousin on the other hand was a mirror cracking ugly baby and is now one of the most beautiful women I know. I know how they look now has no bearing on their future or their lives. I think I was more pssed off that she said it at all really and the situation that she said it in. I wouldn't dream of ever saying anything like that about anybody's kids especially in front of them and to a crowd.

I kind of had a similar situation to this at chistmas but it wasn't my mother it was my MIL.

We were all in her living room and her elder sister was there too ( the once a year visit) and everyone was talking in smaller groups. I was sat next to MIL and her sister...i wasn't partiualarly talking more listening. I heard the sister say how alike my two boys are...

then the MIL replied 'they are but (youngest) is much better looking...alot more handsome'

now it doesn't look 'too' bad i agree but she never has a nice thing to say about my eldest anyway! And my eldest was sat just one person away from her. He could easily have heard this and i was fuming. I didn't cause a scene though and i haven't even mentioned it to my DH because he knows how she is with our eldest. No need to rub it in to him either i guess.

I think both my boys are gorgeous and people comment on how lovely they both are. Her opinion is exactly that. My eldest also has an idea she isn't too bothered about him. He is ok about it. He gets all the love he needs from us and his other family.

The thing with the MIL is she has her favourites, they are obvious and thats how it is. No point me getting worked up about it. It wont change anything apart from make me bitter and angry towards her.

I realise it will be different for you though because this is your mum i guess just try not to let it eat you up or it could end up ruining your relationship and her relationship with her grandchildren and i bet she adores them

more than some have really

Chipmonkey I think you have the right idea about just never telling your mum anything. The amount of secrets I have confided in my mum only to find she has told someone!

I have recently found out I am pregnant after lots of fertility issues (my twins were ivf) I don't plan to say anything to my mum until I am ready for the world to know. I had a MMC the last time I was pregnant so not planning on telling anyone for a while. I just feel sad I can't share something like this new pregnancy with her.

Throughout the many years we were struggling to conceive all I got was 'when am I going to be a granny?' in front of friends, family, the postman. If I ever have a daughter (or daughter in law for that matter) I really hope I will always try to be sensitive and kind. Nobody needs that crap when they are going through a hard time. Especially from the person they are supposed to trust the most.

It does seem to be I am being really hard on my mum. Most of he time she is great I just have to accept the way she is and not be surprised if she upsets me every now and again.

I have to say that my first born looked like a Gremlin all skin and no fat he was 4lb 5oz, he had grown then lost weight he was ugly when he was born, when my second was born he was a healthy 7lb 5oz and gorgeous.

Some people don't have pretty babies to start with. I would not have taken offence at it to be honest.

Its very bad to say it like that, of course, but we are allowed to find some children more attractive than others, its only natural.
I have 3 dc, and several nieces and nephews, they are all, of course, beautiful. Mine are obviously the most attractive . But one of mine is one of those cherubic golden children with enormous eyes that complete strangers gush over and ask how he is not a child model? Acknowledging this does not mean my other children, and relatives children are not totally adorable, its just a fact that one is more classically attractive, if you will. Doesn't mean anything at all, he's not more loved by anyone, or valued more.

Agrees with KarmaBeliever... very well explained post.

The thing is OP, even if your kids were - to use your expression - 'minging', you wouldn't love them any less, would you? They'd be exactly the same people they were before the thoughtless comment.

I think all parents have 'blindness' when it comes to their own children and that's as it should be, they belong to them. It doesn't hurt anybody for the parents to believe that their children are the most beautiful.

Forgive your Mum her thoughtless comment; she probably meant exactly as KarmaBeliever explained it - the baby was remarkable in its beauty, not that yours are ugly.

No, sorry, I disagree with a lot of these posts - you do not EVER say that a baby is anything less than gorgeous when you are in earshot of its mum.
And for a grandparent to say this is just wrong. I'm slightly concerned that a lot of you think it's acceptable cos shes possibly just being "honest". No, that doesn't make it ok to be hurtful. Ever.
If we were all "honest" about everything, none of us would have any friends left.

Your mum is being completely unreasonable, hurtful and insensitive to her daughter and grandkids.

My family can be incredibly straightforward like that, to the point of being rude, and not even realise it. Your mum clearly loves your children, as you said she has a tendency to open her mouth before her brain got into action, and it's not out of character.

For what it's worth, it was always said in my family that ugly babies made pretty adults and vice versa.

I heard one of DH's colleagues ask my mother how my brother's new baby compares to my two kids

Did he actually say looks wise? Could he have meant for sleeping & eating that sort of thing?

Thanks for all the responses! Totem pole no the colleague never said anything about looks and the question was perfectly innocent. It was more the kind of thing you would ask a mum with a second baby. As in personality wise is my nephew really different or similar. Mum just chose to answer in a way that upset me.

Fair enough a lot of you think your babies were wrinkly blobs to begin with but the difference is I never did. I thought my boys were the most heart wrenchingly beautiful things I had ever seen. We struggled for such a long time to have them that they were (and still are) the most gorgeous people in my life. I could never look at them and see anything other than that. So I think that is why what she said upset me, I felt like she was objectifying them for something that neither they nor I had any control over.

My nephew is gorgeous I love him to pieces but certainly not the kind of baby you would put on the front of a packet of babywipes. I suppose what I am trying to say is my kids aren't remarkably ugly nor is my nephew remarkably beautiful. What hurt was the fact that was the thing she found to compare them to each other. All she had to do was say oh he is gorgeous just like the boys were at that age. Instead she said something mean in earshot of my children, my DH and I in front of our friends that was tactless.

I have decided to just pretend it never happened as it hurt me not my DH or kids and I can forgive her. What worries me a bit is whether this kind of thing will happen again when our children are older and my nephew or my boys get hurt by it. That would be less easy to forgive.

I have been thinking about this a lot since I posted up thread. I honestly do think that you ought to have a quiet word with her and tell her how this has made you feel. She probably never intended for a moment to hurt you, but she has none the less. I wouldn't want for this to be in the back of your mind in the future, so think you might benefit from clearing the air. If nothing else, it might make her a little bit more careful in future conversations.