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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking my ILs are a bit insensitive? Or am I oversensitive?

23 replies

sausagemashnpeas · 28/02/2011 19:58

So I'll set the scene. DH and I have our lovely DD who is 21 months old. We found out I was pregnant just before new year, and tentatively told very few people. Told ILs when they came down for the day when I was 7 weeks. Sadly, I started to miscarry, and just before 10 weeks I had an ERPC after 3 painful (both physically and emotionally) days in hospital. ILs sent flowers and a card. Very nice and kind. However. Not only have they vented their anger at DH at not 'being involved' to help with DD when it was all going on (we were at my parents, and sorry, but the only people I wanted near me when I was on the loo crying my eyes out and in pain, were my Mum and DH) (oh and whenever we see them, they purely focus on DD and not us, but that's another story) BUT yesterday when we saw them, MIL said to me that she thought I had lost lots of weight since they last saw me and they both agreed that I was 'looking good'??!!!! Ok. So I was 7 weeks and not 'showing' as such when we saw them last, but I was all bloated and had quite a swollen belly (as you can be). I was very taken aback and just muttered 'oh, right' - but - I'd just miscarried, FFS!!!

This is bugging me. Is this a thoughtless comment from them, or am I still raw from what I've gone through?

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 28/02/2011 20:04

I think you probably are being a bit over sensitive actually. But that's understandable after what you have been through.

So sorry you have had this happen.

Mishy1234 · 28/02/2011 20:04

I'm very sorry about your miscarriage.

I think your IL's were insensitive with their comment. Of course you are still raw from your ordeal and they should have had that in their minds first and foremost. They also should be fully aware that your parents would have been the ones to have comforted you throughout and really they were rightly on the sidelines.

It sounds to me like they mean well and had a bit of a 'foot in the mouth' moment. I would try to ignore it tbh.

starfishmummy · 28/02/2011 20:06

I think they were insensitive but it may have been because they didn't actually know what to say to you so as Mishy says try to ignore it.

janiesmum · 28/02/2011 20:12

she was probably trying to say something nice to compliment you

RunAwayWife · 28/02/2011 20:13

I think they were unsure what to say and ended up saying something that came out wrong.
Sorry for your loss,

activate · 28/02/2011 20:14

you're still raw

but that's OK - you will be

and I think your in-laws sound lovely

but that won't help your grief

so be good to yourself

Original poster
sausagemashnpeas · 28/02/2011 20:31

You're all right, of course. Am really just probably over reacting, aren't I. They left about 5 minutes after we got back (they were babysitting for the afternoon), so they probably did feel a little awkward. Feel a right cow now Blush.

Thanks, ladies.

OP posts:
holyShmoley · 28/02/2011 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sausagemashnpeas · 28/02/2011 20:41

That's just it, holy - and actually, I do look like shit right now - am now anaemic (quelle surprise, really). I'll get there...

OP posts:
mmsmum · 28/02/2011 20:42

OP I am so sorry for your loss and illness. I expect they were trying to be kind and say something nice, they clearly got it wrong but I don't think they meant it

SauvignonBlanche · 28/02/2011 20:44

Sorry to hear that, more Wine I think.Smile

lesley33 · 01/03/2011 07:41

I think you are being a bit oversensitive understandably.

Just wonder though - it is understandable that you only wanted your mum and DH. But perhaps DH wanted his mum? Dh's can sometimes get forgotten IMO in these situations.

NinkyNonker · 01/03/2011 07:42

I think they were probably trying to be nice.

Original poster
sausagemashnpeas · 01/03/2011 13:45

Lesley - not at all - DH has a strained relationship with his parents and thinks his Mum is utterly bonkers. Which she certainly is, to an extent. She really is the 'speaks before she thinks' kind of person, and sometimes clearly has no idea. I knew that there was no malice involved - I just was a bit Hmm in my hypersensitive state right now. Ah well. That was an easy AIBU. Thanks ladies Smile

OP posts:
abenstille · 01/03/2011 16:00

Sorry youve had a rough time. Just wanted to say she may have looked at you in your face iyswim to say hi, and saw you'd lost weight there and just commented on it in a tactless sort of way. Dont know if that helps.
Also sounds like she was really worried when you were at your mums and it just came out as anger. Sometimes emotions just come out all wrong, think dentist - laughing, passing an exam and crying etc

diddl · 01/03/2011 16:15

I should imagine they are also devastated & don´t know how to handle it.

They probably felt useless & pushed out-& yes I know it´s not about them-but you had your mum & husband-who was looking after their son iyswim?

It sounds as if they are worried tbh & perhaps don´t know how to show it.

cherrychoo · 01/03/2011 16:21

Ahh you are feeling raw.

When i had my last mc (my 5th) i had to go through it alone in hospital becuase dh had to stay at home with our ds becuase we had no one to look after him.
ILs knew i was in hospital but were not in the least bit interested.
Now THAT is insensitive, they could have sat with ds for an hour so dh could be with me while off my head on morphine & gas& air and in agony, desperately sad to be losing a desperately wanted baby again. Sad

you got flowers and a card, i got feck all.

Forgive & forget.

altinkum · 01/03/2011 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mare11bp · 01/03/2011 16:32

Don't feel bad for being a bit oversensitive about the weight thing, that's your right bearing in mind what you have been through.

the being involved thing was inappropriate, but typical of mothers with their son-in-laws if you ask me....................

ScarlettWalking · 01/03/2011 16:34

I also think she was thinking of something postive to say. So sorry for your loss be kind to yourself.

amiheartless · 01/03/2011 16:53

very sorry your loss big hugs

I think she was probably stumbling on words , very hard to know what to say

Original poster
sausagemashnpeas · 01/03/2011 19:17

Cherrychoo - God, that sounds awful, how terrible for you. I can only begin to imagine the pain that you went through - and even still are. And yes, at least my ILs are trying. So sorry about yours. Sorry for all what you have been through Sad

Altinkum - sorry to hear about your horrid year last year. I hope your ds2 and dh are well now. You're right - I think sometimes insensitivity can come out when people are trying to say or do the right thing.

I think it boils down to the fact that we have a very strained relationship with them at the best of times, so they were just trying to be nice, at the end of the day. I think they were miffed that DH was staying at my parents when I was in hospital (I had to go to A&E from there) and that my parents were looking after DD. I think if they just pointed it out kindly to DH that they were 'there' it would have been ok, (in ref to the being involved thing) rather than my FIL shouting down the phone to DH that they should have been looking after DD - FIL has even pointed out to DH that my parents see more of DD than they do (only a bit - both sets of parents live a good 2 hours drive away) and that they have 'every right' to see her. I'll shut up on that, I'll start ranting...

Thanks for the un-MNy hugs. I think its Wine o'clock...

OP posts:
Twinmummy79 · 01/03/2011 19:28

Maybe they were just gutted they couldn't be more help. I bet they said you had lost weight as a way to make you feel good about yourself rather than upset you. I know exactly how it feels to have a painful medically complicated miscarriage as it happened to me last year. It is heartbreaking I am so sorry. I felt a mess after mine.

It was lovely of them to send a card and flowers. I think sometimes people just can't say the right thing in bad situations.

My inlaws sent nothing only a text to say sorry then got really pissed off when I said I wasn't feeling up to joining them for a weeks holiday the week after (with my SIL and her new baby) this was despite the fact that my MIL had a MC herself between my SIL and my DH. You would have thought she would have got it.

I promise it gets easier. I think it is the most emotionally exhausted I have ever felt.

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