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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i dont want another baby......

15 replies

BangTidy · 28/02/2011 17:55

i suffer with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis and some days its a struggle just to do the simple day to day things (cooking, walking to school etc) DP wants another baby not right now but to start TTC in about 6 months-ish.

we had a biiiiiiigg row yesterday, because i said no chance.

i know i couldn't cope with another pregnancy , and i dont think i could manage another baby!! we have a DS age 3 and a DD nearly 11 months.

surely DP should understand?? or AIBU Hmm

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/02/2011 17:59

You are not in the least BU imo!
3 children under 5 when you're in poor health? Why should you?
However - have you ever had this discussion before? Was there an 'expectation' that you would have 3 children?

aviatrix · 28/02/2011 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BangTidy · 28/02/2011 18:04

it was never really discussed but when i was diagnosed with this, i thought it was obvious we wouldnt have anymore, i dont think my body or mind would handle it!! he knows how much i struggle already, but i do feel like i've let him down :(

thankyou for your reply

xxx

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/02/2011 18:06

Let him down? Why?
You have two children, you have a family.
What does he want? Three children and an incapacitated wife?
And I doubt a doctor would recommend a pregnancy whilst you're ill!

Birdsgottafly · 28/02/2011 18:11

Neither of YABUR. When there is a disability or medical condition, in your family, wether it be parent or child, you need to take this into consideration when planning more children, alongside of course, all the other issues; housing, finances, the reason for wanting another child etc. You need to sit and listen to each other. Does your age dictate the need to start to TTC so soon? If this becomes an issue, counselling may be a solution.

Original poster
BangTidy · 28/02/2011 18:11

I sort of felt a boy and a girl = family complete!

thanks for the replies tho :)

i have to go for a bit, so please dont think im ignoring any of yous :)

xxx

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 28/02/2011 18:13

How strange. Why would he want another when your health is not great?

SingingSands · 28/02/2011 18:16

If you continue to struggle on a daily basis for the next six months then he may well change his mind. I do think he is being terribly unfair to you, hopefully a calm clear conversation will settle this issue.

reallytired · 28/02/2011 18:19

I think its quite reasonable for you not to want another baby. You have two children and many people consider that quite enough.

Did you discuss children before the two of you got together? How big a family does your dp want?

Maybe you might reconsider ttc in year or two (or five) when your existing children are older.

OmniaParatus · 28/02/2011 18:41

YANBU. I am pg with no 3 (an accident, we too felt that 2 was enough!) and at 37 weeks I am exhausted. I feel like a crap parent to my 2 DC's who are 3.5 and 2, and I think a third child is a serious strain on you, especially when you have two young DC already.

I wouldn't consider it at all if I had health problems. Ask your DP if you can discuss it again in 6 months. If you still feel you struggle to look after the kids you have, you will have to agree to not have no 3, or postpone it until your DC are older.

foreverondiet · 28/02/2011 19:19

I had a DD and then 2.5 years later a DS. I felt that it was enough, but I had agreed with DH before we got married that we would try for 3 children. He is one of 3, and always imagined having at least 3 children.

My situation is very different in that I don't have any medical conditions, found pregnancy & birth quite easy and both DD and DS1 easy babies, good sleepers and I was coping very well. Also can afford cleaning help.

Even then I said I did not want to try for number 3 until DS1 (ie DC2) was in nursery for a full school day in DD's school. When DS2 was born DD was in year 1 (6.5) and DS1 was in nursery full day (4). If the nursery hadn't been for a full school day would have waited longer so that he had actually started reception. It meant that I was 35 when DS2 was born but I wouldn't have wanted to do it any sooner.

So YANBU - and he is being totally unreasonable.

foreverondiet · 28/02/2011 19:21

Also wanted to add that DH agreed that DD and DS1 would go to summer holiday camps (DS2 born in April) as I couldn't really manage baby and 2 children all day at home during summer holidays.

slipperandpjsmum · 28/02/2011 19:59

I think its important to make these things clear in the early days of a relationship. Whilst it seems unfair he is not considering your health maybe he always wanted a big family, maybe he is keen to provide lots of support. Without turning him into the villan with very little information you both need a frank and open discussion considering each others points of view.

maighdlin · 28/02/2011 20:18

YANBU

I had a horrible time during pregnancy with my hips due them being shite and held in by pins and a prayer. I was on crutches last 7 weeks and in agony as could not take painkillers/anti-inflammatories, and then the joy of the c/s. Plus hyperemis from week 4 to week 39+2.

It will be a while now before we consider having another as I have madly decided to become a barrister and have years of uni and training ahead of me. We have talked about it and if i have had surgery to help my hips then we would try again ourselves, but if not and they are still buggered, i cannot go through that again and we will look into adoption instead, as it is something we do want to do and neither of us are at all concerned about them not being our biological children.

eden263 · 28/02/2011 22:18

YANBU. I also suffer from ME and find being alive exhausting at times, let alone being a Mum.

Maybe once your other two are a bit older you could see if you feel up to it, if you decided you did want a bigger family, but certainly not soon.

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