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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and ungenerous?

15 replies

SenoritaViva · 28/02/2011 09:46

We see DH's cousin about 4-6 times a year. They have 2 DCs (6 and 1). We have one DC (4 years) but would like to have more, having some trouble TTC; they know this.

Cousins are quite tight on money at the moment (stretched by their mortgage etc.), we are probably a bit better off but by no means have lots of spare cash since I gave up work.

Since they had second DC they have asked for things when they see us (clothes, bikes, toys etc.) We moved when DC was younger (from abroad) so didn't bring any of the young toys and we don't have loads of toys as it is. Other than when we moved I haven't given away any of DC clothes or toys because I am hoping that one day I will be able to use them again. Once we are sure we're not having any more children then I will definitely start giving things away.

The thing is, I am made to feel guilty (probably mostly by myself) and ungenerous. Am I justified in keeping our things and not having to buy them twice or should I be giving things away? I have explained that I'm keeping for the 'next' one but they don't seem to understand. Maybe I am just over thinking this one.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 28/02/2011 09:48

YANBU - you have told them you're keeping your stuff for your next child and they are ignoring you! and asking again!

Just keep saying it.

curlymama · 28/02/2011 09:51

They are actually asking you to give them your stuff?

How rude?!

The fact that you don't seem to even see how rude they are shows that you have a very generous spirit, they do not deserve your consideration. You may be overthinking it, but again, I think that shows that you are quite a giving person really.

Good Luck TTC.

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 28/02/2011 09:51

No way are you BU - I completely understand where you're coming from. How do they make you feel guilty?

Have they said they'd like to borrow the things or have them outright? A few loans here and there might help to ease the situation - as long as they're clear that they are loans for you to have back in a good condition if and when you get DC#2.

Could you also explain to them how it's making you feel? Not just that you don't want to give things away, but why and what effect it's having on your emotions?

KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/02/2011 09:52

No you are not. They are being cheeky even asking!!

The only things I have asked for from friends and family is stuff that I have loaned to them (and it was clear that it was a loan). And even though only when I know for certain they are not using them anymore.
Anything else that has been offered I have accepted as a welcome and unexpected bonus!

stream · 28/02/2011 09:52

YANBU. Surely they've passed things down to their youngest anyway?

Tell them about Freegle/Freecycle?

Annpan88 · 28/02/2011 09:53

YANBU and I'm shocked that people would ask and then continue to pressure you. They aren't entitled to your things if you were having another child or not. Don't worry! x

FooffyShmoofffer · 28/02/2011 09:56

YANBU - Just keep repeating yourself. Hopefully the message will sink in. There is 7 years between my two but I still held on to alot of stuff from first time around and alot of it was invaluable.

YellowDinosaur · 28/02/2011 09:57

YANBU at all. There is nothing wrong with them asking once or twice if they can borrow things that they think you are no longer using. But once they have been told (more than once!) that you are saving stuff for another child they should stop asking imho.

My sister leant some of her things to a close friend after her first baby. She had taken very good care of them and they were all in close to immaculate condition. Playmat, bouncy chair, car seat, adaptors to fix car seat to a buggy and a few other smaller things.

When expecting her second not only did she have to chase several times to get them back (and it was always clear that they were on LOAN and not a gift) when she did get them back they were covered in mould and stains with bits missing. She was livid and made even more so by her friend not even apologising or ackowledging that this was unreasonable. She did not expect them to come back perfect condition but what made her cross was that her friend had clearly not taken any care at all with someone elses stuff.

If you don't want to lend the stuff next time they ask I would politely say something along the lines of 'its making me feel awkward that you keep asking to borrow things when I have said no on several occasions. Sorry but we want to keep all of this for a second child if we a lucky enough to have one and don't feel comfortable lending it out'

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 28/02/2011 09:57

Actually I thought it was quite rude to directly ask 'oh have you got XX clothes for our child' or 'have you got any outside toys that we can have?' (actually we really don't have any outside toys, any we do have DC still uses). I am not that generous, probably just not being brave enough on AIBU for being flamed for being utterly stingy and I should be giving everything away.

They don't say 'borrow' and actually I don't know about that - children break things and I think if you 'lend' something and expect it back you are likely to be disappointed.

In DCs life two different people have donated a bag of clothes, truly wonderful but I never asked and was so grateful but I thought maybe this was the norm (but not for me).

Thanks for the good wishes on TTC, fingers crossed (rather than gingers which is what I originally typed )

OP posts:

YellowDinosaur · 28/02/2011 10:04

Yes it probably is a bit rude to ask to borrow things but then again if they see you are no longer using something they may not see it as that. And they may mean borrow not have.

Agree it is very grasping to ask to be given stuff.

And definately asking more than once is out of order!

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 28/02/2011 10:11

Agree YellowDinosaur but actually they were asking for toys that didn't even exist (maybe they thought they were packed away to be fair). I also think they think we have much more money than we do. I was wondering whether I should be handing out stuff we're not finished with just to appease them? DC still likes the some of the plastic things that are not for a 4 year old (you know what they're like) but I also like to keep a few small things as many of my friends (including them) come to visit with young children.

OP posts:

YellowDinosaur · 28/02/2011 10:16

No certainly don't give things away that you use to pacify them! If you don't want to give things away then don't.

And imho it doesn't make any difference if you have much more money / toys than they do.

Next time I would definately say no and ask them to stop asking.

ddubsgirl · 28/02/2011 10:26

i lent a friend my cold water sterlizier whos frindend needed one(knew her but wouldnt call her my friend) on the terms,when she no longer needed it i wanted it back,was having ds2 and asked for it back as her ds was now older and knew she didnt need it,after lots of calls etc turned out this lady had sold it :( last time i lent anyone any baby stuff unless close family

Diablo82 · 28/02/2011 10:44

YANBU! If you hope to use those items again why would you give them away?? It is rather impolite of them to request things if they are not being offerred.

solooovely · 28/02/2011 11:01

That are being very rude. Maybe you reply next time much firmer and give them a "why the fuck do you keep asking" look.

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