Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at husband, probably being V unreasonable, come and flame me.

25 replies

lostinwales · 28/02/2011 08:31

Background, we are both public sector workers, I had my hours reset to zero last December (with one days notice and I LOVE my job). Last Summer DH (teacher) was made redundant but with the help of a very good union rep was given three days a week instead. So we are losing around £15,000 a year with our new situation.

DH has found an extra half day a week in a different school and sometimes they give him a bit of supply. Yesterday they phoned to ask him to work this afternoon as extra and he turned them down straight off. I can't look at him now, supply money is excellent as a teacher, but more than that, supply can work very much on goodwill, he has let them down with no good reason, they will find someone else to do the work and might like them more than him, find them more reliable. He is facing redundancy again this year, we have 3 DS's and no money, right now I HATE him.

(and to avoid missing anything out, I have been looking for work, anything, my next job will pay me half what I used to earn per hour and it's a horrible job but we need money and I can fit it around the children) Did I mention I hate him at the moment? Off to do the school run, I feel like crying.

OP posts:
ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 28/02/2011 08:33

Why did he turn them down??

thunderbird69 · 28/02/2011 08:33

What was his reason for turning it down?

iskra · 28/02/2011 08:34

I totally understand your anxiety. Did your husband have a reason for turning it down? Plans round the house?

compo · 28/02/2011 08:35

Why did he say no?

Original poster
lostinwales · 28/02/2011 08:35

He said he has 'too much to do' with planning for his main job and an essay to finish for a course he was on (the work would have been three hours following on from his morning there, so he will drive home, have lunch and read the paper and maybe do an hours planning this afternoon when he could be earning an extra £75) He has no work tomorrow either so lots of time.

OP posts:
compo · 28/02/2011 08:38

In that case yanbu
he sounds either nervous to go to a new school ( his confidence is probably knocked from being made redundant ) or just lazy

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 28/02/2011 08:39

Was he maybe holding out for a full day's work instead?

Original poster
lostinwales · 28/02/2011 09:16

He would have had a full days work if he went as it was carrying on from his morning there, so nothing new, nothing extra, didn't even have to use any extra petrol.

I do appreciate he would be feeling knocked back by being made redundant last year as I had the same thing in December pretty much. I've never not worked, I did my job from college until now with only small breaks to give birth and look after babies. He's on his fourth career since we got married. I guess that's my problem, he goes into his shell at the first sign of problems, wheras I jump forward and nag anyone I can find until I'm satisfied there is nothing more I can do. Then, as I have this time, find something else and have started on an OU degree in a different field so I can find a different job more easily.

It's just in this case he is giving away money, not just his but for our boys, school trips, shoes etc. I just wish he would realize he is not just himself, he is the main wage earner for our family and if that means doing some study later this evening instead of this afternoon then he has to suck it up and do it, I'm a cold hearted bitch aren't I?

OP posts:
ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 28/02/2011 09:33

Oh, well in that case he's being a twat! you're right about the goodwill part of supply teaching - it's made it more difficult for the school to have to get somebody new in today, and he'll have burnt some bridges there.

Have you talked to him about it and about how you feel?

Nagoo · 28/02/2011 09:37

YANBU. Mine decided that he'll change career fairly often too.

Teaching was supposed to be 'it' but now i don't think it is Sad Anyway, after all my projecting, YAdefNBU

chillichill · 28/02/2011 10:20

YANBU! I think he deserves a stern chat, one you have calmed down. neither me not dh would turn down extra money, can't see why you would for a few hours work unless you were minted.

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 28/02/2011 10:38

Maybe he is getting used to the three day week and is enjoying having more "free" time, hence turning down work, when normally he wouldn't be working.

That doesn't make it reasonable though so YANBU.

Money is money, and freelancing (which I guess supply teaching could be termed) gets more difficult if you turn people down.

I guess you need to find out why he did it and try to persuade him not to do it again.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 28/02/2011 10:41

YANBU. I would be seething.

Diablo82 · 28/02/2011 10:46

YANBU - if you are trying to increase your working hours then he should do the same unless there is good reason not to.

solooovely · 28/02/2011 11:04

Are you sure it's not a confidence thing? Or perhaps he is feeling stressed? I'm self employed and I have turned down work before as I was so stressed at working at one place one day, at another place the next and then thinking about freelance work at the same time. It's like each time you are starting a new job, and we all now how stressful that is!

Original poster
lostinwales · 28/02/2011 11:18

Thank you lovely people, sometimes I wonder if I'm asking too much of him, I'm such a get out there and grab what you can kind of person, I'm never sure if I'm being mean to him because he sure as hell aint! By the way we are so definitely NOT minted!

Nagoo, what are we to do with them eh? I sometimes want to shake him and say it's not all about pleasing yourself you know, every job is hard, and you have to work hard if you want to get on, no one is going to give it to you on a plate.

solooovely, I would agree with you if it was going to a different school for the afternoon but all they want is him to stay on for the afternoon.

He will be home in an hour and I think I'm going to have to go out for a walk because I can't be rational with him at the moment (and I'm one of those idiot women who always cries, and I HATE that, it makes me even more angry that I can't stop the tears!)

OP posts:
solooovely · 28/02/2011 11:45

Aah don't worry about crying, I cried this morning because a receptionist was rude to me!

christmaswishes · 28/02/2011 11:59

When do you start your new job and how many hours is it? Could you perhaps be the main breadwinner instead of your husband then he can do more of the childcare.

christmaswishes · 28/02/2011 11:59

When do you start your new job and how many hours is it? Could you perhaps be the main breadwinner instead of your husband then he can do more of the childcare.

Original poster
lostinwales · 28/02/2011 14:54

New job is only temp, it's part of the drive after the census to make sure everyone has filled in their forms. I am NOT looking forward to it after seeing some people's opinions, plus it isn't very well paid either, paricularly compared to DH's job or even my old one. The daft thing is that in the past he has been the main carer for DS's and he bloody well hated that in the end too and took a job that didn't even cover the cost of the childcare we then needed!

I don't know if I'm being selfish either as I could try and find work in my profession BUT it would be based either an hour commute either way or an hour and a half and be full time or nothing at the moment. Childcare is non existent round here though and DS1 is SN and starting secondary school in Sept and he's going to really need me then to cope with the change (or am I going to need to be around for me, can't work it out in my head!) He doesn't get on particularly well with DH and it's vital he gets a good start.

OP posts:
saffy85 · 28/02/2011 15:01

YANBU to be pissed off I would be if DP turned down work when he had nothing else to do and we were skint.

Mymblesson · 28/02/2011 15:34

You are not being unreasonable, but you sound like very, very different people. Nothing wrong with that, but why did you get married in the first place? Did you think you could change him?

Original poster
lostinwales · 28/02/2011 20:26

Went for a lovely long drive in beautiful countryside, got back and I've scored 100% in my OU maths test, much happier bunny thank goodness. I need to have a word with him, but at least I can do it now without it turning into a rant about everything that has got on my nerves over the last decade. We are very different people Mymblesson but we didn't used to be, we've been together 18 years (half my life eek!) I just seem to have hit a couple of years where I've grown up a little bit faster than him, I will have to persuade him maturity is the way forward.

Thank you for all your comments everyone, it's nice to realize that I'm not being a horror of a wife for expecting him to work when it's available (when I put it like that I should have been able to see it for myself). I'm going into my work tomorrow for free, because I love it and miss it and need to keep in the loop and maintain my registration status, I know I'm odd but I can't wait!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 28/02/2011 20:42

It's so difficult to get supply work now he's been really irresponsible in turning it down imo. YANBU.

Janeyx · 28/02/2011 20:53

I can completely understand why you are upset but definitely the way forward to wait a while before you say anything. Best of luck with his reaction

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread