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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry and v upset that ex has had kids over night at his new girlfiends

24 replies

hadenoughoftherows · 27/02/2011 22:02

i as wondering if anyone had any advice about this subject, i have been divorced for 2 months now following a 16 year marriage we have 3 children ds13 dd13 and ds6, ex told me after he told kids that he had met someone 7 weeks ago which i am relieved at as he is now someone elses problem, a week later he introduced her to them then she and her two teenagers have been apart of every access weekend he has with them whilest i find this very hard to stomache i have let it go, after this weekends visit my ds mentioned that they had all spent the night round the girlfriends, to be honest i feel that my heart has been ripped my children are the only thing i have in my life and now someone else is playing mum to them, i am disgusted with my ex that he didnt inform or even ask me what i thought first before taking what i see as a huge step, i am not in a relationship and am not intrested at the moment have had to much on my plate sorting out divorce, bennifits and dealing with the kids im not jellous of ex i asked him to leave as could not stand the sight of him after 17 years.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 27/02/2011 22:05

How did the children feel about it?

She's not playing mum by the way, she's his new girlfriend. You'll always be their Mum.

FabbyChic · 27/02/2011 22:07

Hey, kids only have one mother and that is you.

It is inevitble that he will want his new partner to meet and spend time with his children, how long would you have expected him to wait?

So long as she is good to your kids that is all that matters.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 22:08

I imagine it hurts more because you are so recently divorced. If you were seeing someone, would you let them stay over after two months of dating them?

worraliberty · 27/02/2011 22:09

He should have told you where they would be sleeping though really if you thought they'd be at his.

hairylights · 27/02/2011 22:09

Yab a bit u. it seems early days for
this relationship but they are his kids too. Would it be ok if he vetted your parenting?

Rosebud05 · 27/02/2011 22:11

YANBU, I wouldn't say. He should have discussed it with you, I'd say. What did your children think of it all?

mmsmum · 27/02/2011 22:11

Your children are old enough you know that you are their Mum and there is nothing that could ever change that, they know that no-one else can ever even come close to you!

Your ex is moving things very quickly, but she has kids too that are involved and that would make me feel better. Have you met her? As hard as it would be I would want to say hi and know who my kids are spending time with.

It's good that you haven't said DC's have any problems, if they are ok with it then that should take a lot of the worry off you, after all, all we want is the best for our kids.

I know it's very recent and new but please trust that your kids love you and that will never ever change!

CarGirl · 27/02/2011 22:12

TBH for the most part what he does in his time with them is none of your business unless the dc are upset/troubled by it.

How would you feel if you ex started telling you what to do in your time with them.

It hurts, it's hard; try and let it go.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 27/02/2011 22:14

I think YABU - he's their father - unfortunately - just as you are free to take tem to stay wherever you want without having to consult him (would you like it if he did?) he can do the same to you. Your children are fine about it, if you show them that you're stressed they'll pick up on that.

My exH and I seperated 3yrs ago for the first time - got back together for 9 months in hte middle of that period, and are now going through divorce. I have lost count of how many girlfriends my ex has had in that time - that the DS's have met from the start - they are none the worse for it - and they know that I am their mum.

Original poster
hadenoughoftherows · 27/02/2011 22:14

i dont think she or ex sees it that way, i gave ex money to get the ds haircut at weekend as he always takes them to barbers they got back tonight with new haircuts done by the girlfriend that and the sleep over, i know if i was thoughtless enough to pull a stunt like my name would be mud, the kids like her and her kids which is good its just me getting upset over it.

OP posts:
freebreeze · 27/02/2011 22:15

Yes as worraliberty says, you are their mum. Don't feel threatened. Your bond with your children is so strong that no other women could take that place.
There is SO much to work through when seperating. It is exhausting and very stressful. As a result you feel very vulnerable and anxious. I really wish you all the best. Don't create tension with your children by feeling thretened/insecure. xxx

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 27/02/2011 22:16

sorry - I'm confused - have you only just separated - or only just divorced? Just seems the others are saying it's all new for you Blush

squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 22:17

Is she a hairdresser? Did he pay her for doing it?

I would be asking for the money back to be honest unless he used it to spend on something else FOR THEM.

loubielou31 · 27/02/2011 22:22

YANBU to be upset about another woman spending time with your DCs when you can not, although you can be reassured that she will not be taking your place.

YABU if you think there is anything you can do about it. There isn't.

MadameDefarge · 27/02/2011 22:23

My Ds is 10. Since we and his dad split, (seven years ago) he has had a string of GFs. Some of them lovely, some of them less lovely (current one does my head in). But DS is fine. He has Daddy, whom he loves, he has Mummy. whom he loves. Th GS's might come and go, but his central emotional centre is stable.

Don't worry over much about it. Your kids will dictate what they are happy with.

Its really really hard, I know, but be the bigger person. It so pays off in the long run, believe me.

loubielou31 · 27/02/2011 22:24

I would be very annoyed about the haircut though. Don't give him money for it again.

Original poster
hadenoughoftherows · 27/02/2011 22:24

as we actually only split up 7months ago and he has been seeing her for less than 2 months i do think it is to soon to be staying at her house, i havnt met her and dont have an overwhelming desire to ethier, if i meet someone in future i wouldnt dream of involving them in my kids life so quickly especially on the back of such a major event in thier lives.

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 27/02/2011 22:31

I know it hurts. But you ARE split up. He can spend his time with his dcs where he likes. This is one of the downsides of splitting from someone. Loss of control.

the upside is the kids will be fine, and you will not have to put up with his nonsense on a day to day basis.

You cannot control what he does in his time with his chilldren, that only happens when you are together.

And to be honest, it is not going to cause them terrible damage to spend time at his GF's house ( unless she is a total, violent looh)

But it is part of the price you pay for not having to be with him anymore.

As long as the DCs are reasonably OK, I am afraid you just have to suck it up.

Original poster
hadenoughoftherows · 27/02/2011 22:34

sorry for the rant and thank you all for your advice, it was youngests ds birthday over weekend and had to deal with girlfiend throwing a party for him for which im gratefull for as ex wouldnt have botherd but it still hurts like hell.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 27/02/2011 22:39

It will hurt but I think the main thing is to remember you're their Mum and (this is the hardest part) try not to let your hurt show on your face when they're telling you how much they like her, or the nice things she's done for them. Kids can often feel confused and guilty when in the position (mine did) and it's not fair on them.

On the other hand my ex has married 3 times since I divorced him and now he's living with his Mum and has no realistic plans to move out. You never know what the future holds for any of you.

MadameDefarge · 27/02/2011 22:40

Hardenough, I feel your pain. I had arranged for ExP to go to his for ds' 10th birthday brunch (his day) and lo and behold, new GF was there. WTF! Bad enough. Then she gives him presents , of clothes. By which time I am choking down my bile.How the fuck dare she?

Was horrid. And I was so sad not to spend that time with only me and EXP with DS. It was meant to be something between the three of us, a celebration of his life so far with his parents. twat involves new GF.

Almost as annoying as him bringing her to only one of the school open days for secondary school....(but the one he wants ds to go to)

Ahhhhh!

lets breath together....in and out...in and out....

Original poster
hadenoughoftherows · 27/02/2011 23:00

& i thought i had problems its bad enough having to put up the cards and have dc showing off thier new presents from the gf (the ds bithday was 3weeks ago and this weekend was a repeat of it) but to have it done to your face bless you for keeping it together for your ds uve got bigger balls than your ex to put up with that

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 27/02/2011 23:05

thank you Hadenough. It was really hard. but you and I know both know swallowing back that bile is being a good parent. More than those tossers know....

Original poster
hadenoughoftherows · 27/02/2011 23:13

lmao, thank you for making me laugh at the end of a very long emotional day.

OP posts:
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