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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This takes the usual mil threads to a whole new level

20 replies

MogadoredMemoo · 27/02/2011 20:36

Dh has 2 dd's from his first marriage. They spend a lot of time here and they get on really well with my dc. Dh and I also have a dd who is 17 months. So between us we have 5 dc.

We obviously pay maintenance to dh's ex wife for his dd's. It is an informal agreement, not set by the courts or csa. We used the CSA calculator to work out how much we should give and because we could afford it we decided to give £50 a month more than the csa figure. This has been in place for the last 5 years.

I have had health problems since having dd which means I haven't gone back to work and now dh's employers have announced they are putting staff on a 4 day week.

Because of this we have had to tell dh's ex that we will be reducing the maintenance for the time being although we will still be paying the figure reccomened by the CSA.

His ex is really cross. Her mother, so dh's ex mil, phoned our house this afternoon and had a go at me!

She said I should 'get off my arse and get a job', that I am lazy and that I am making dh put me before his dc. This couldn't be further than the truth I love dsds like they were my own.

So are dh and I being unreasonable or is his ex mil a nutter!?

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 27/02/2011 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mare11bp · 27/02/2011 20:41

Gosh, how awkward for you, no I don't think you are being unreasonable. You have to make cut-backs in a variety of different areas I guess.

However at the risk of sounding negative which isn't my intention it sounds like one of those situations where no matter how hard you try to explain the situation they will interpret is as you being unreasonable to use it as a stick to beat you with.

ladyfirenze · 27/02/2011 20:42

cowbag!

prettyfly1 · 27/02/2011 20:43

Honest to god - tell her to piss off. I dont think anything you could do would help and she can mind her flipping own.

parakeet · 27/02/2011 20:43

If she calls again, just put the phone down.

Having to cope with abuse from someone else's MIL is beyond the pale.

Oddlygobion · 27/02/2011 20:44

If she pokes her nose in like that on her DD's behalf over £50 a month when we all know how bad things are in the economy anyway, you're not going to win. I agree, don't answer the phone next time.

Original poster
MogadoredMemoo · 27/02/2011 20:45

That's putting it politely lady!

I suspect you are right Mare, nothing we do is ever right. I don't think she'd be satisfied if we sold up, live in a tent, and have every penny to ex.

OP posts:
MissVerinder · 27/02/2011 20:45

Maybe she could stump up the extra £50 if she's that bothered?

Original poster
MogadoredMemoo · 27/02/2011 20:47

I actually did put the phone down. I said how " dare she phone my house and speak to me like that" and slammed the phone down.

OP posts:
TheSmallPrint · 27/02/2011 20:48

So you can't work and he has been put on reduced hours and she thinks that you should make cut backs in your household and they should make none?? I take it his Ex has got a job then? Cheeky bloody cow!

PigValentine · 27/02/2011 20:49

It is unquestionable that ex-MIL is a nutter BUT do you normally have a good relationship with DH's ex? I can sort of imagine how she might feel - I know the £50 was over what the CSA calculator advises, but that is only a formula used by a government agency - and her and your DH's chilodren don't cost less because you are having to tighten your belts, IYSWIM. I'm not saying it's right, just saying I can see why she might not be happy about it.

Ex-MIL is still mad though.

PigValentine · 27/02/2011 20:49

Chilodren? Children!

Original poster
MogadoredMemoo · 27/02/2011 20:53

I do get on ok with his ex. Things have been tense at times but we all get on with it for the sake of the dc.

I can understand why his ex would be upset at having money cut but it's only temporary and there really isn't any choice. And its certainly not my fault.

OP posts:
eileenslightlytotheleft · 27/02/2011 20:53

DH's ex shouldn't be complaining to MIL though. And MIL needs to be told by DH to butt out while you maintain dignified silence.

saffy85 · 27/02/2011 21:05

YANBU lets face it, in this climate your DH is lucky to have a job. If he had been made redundant from it and went on JSA I think its a fiver he'd have to pay to his ex. £5 doesn't go far either.

I understand his ex isn't happy but that's between her and your DH. Her mummy ringing up to give you what for is hardly going to make a huge difference to the situation is it?

mmsmum · 27/02/2011 21:16

YANBU ex-MIL is completely out of order.

But you shouldn't be saying 'we pay'. 'We' don't pay, your partner does, for his children

Nagoo · 27/02/2011 22:04

Where we are married, for my dh and me at least, it's our money so I can see why the op says we.

And never answer the phone to her again.

skybluepearl · 27/02/2011 22:59

well imagine both families will have less money in their pockets to spend on the children - wont be just less money in the ex's pocket.

Original poster
MogadoredMemoo · 27/02/2011 23:19

Yes, I say we because our money all goes into one account and everything comes from that. Plus I consider dh's children to be my responsibility too. The kids come as part of the package.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 27/02/2011 23:24

I think you are being more than reasonable. Presumably no income for you + the loss of one day's wage is more than £50 so the 'pain' is in fact being shared.
Mil has no business ringing you. I would be clear it is not to happen again or you will be reporting her to the police for harassment and intimidation.

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