To consider moving school and maybe areas

[HotchpotchHoney]

To stop my 13 year old ds mixing with the bad crowd?

He's in yr 9 and at his school they do gcse science and maths in yr 9, anyway ds1 has always been a good kid, cruised along really and never had to make any effort to get good grades.
He's known a boy since junior school who was always nice enough anyway last year this boys mum moved her new partner in with his son the same age. The new boy A started going around with ds and the other boy but even though I wasn't keen I wasn't too worried as they went to different secondary schools so only saw each other occasionally.

Over the last summer holidays ds had trouble with facebook and a girl who asked him out ds said no but she told her boyfriend that my ds was pestering her cue endless phonecalls and stand offs in the park that I wasn't aware of. We do finally find out and because this boy had threatened to kill my ds I did go to the schools who involved the community liason officer. The point of this part of the story is that it was found that the original boy from junior school and A had setthis up to get my ds beat up!!
I banned ds from hanging around with them but he kept meeting with them and in January A's dad rang me and asked me why ds was not allowed to hang around with the 2 boys, I told him and he gave me his assurance that it wouldn't happen again and the boys were remorseful etc. In the end xh and j decided it was better that we knew where ds was and with than him lying to the both of us.
After the summer holidays the 2 boys joined my Ds's school and I was quite upset/cross about this as knew it would lead to trouble but as it's a state school and not my own personal school for ds felt I had no right to complain.
We have been to the school with concerns for ds several times and ds' tutor and year head have been in touch with us several times now as his attitude has taken a huge slide and behaviour is an issue and also homework not being handed in etc.
The other week I had a phonecalls from ds year head to say that A was being excluded from the school for threatening behaviour and so would hopefully no longer be an issue for ds.
I have to say though ds has still been meeting these boys outside of school and getting into trouble nothing involo ing the police but fighting and I've had reports from friends of him being obnoxious in the local shopping precinct.

Anyway to cut to the chase xh and I have given ds until Easter to sort his behaviour out and to stop mixing with these boys and their friends and try to get back with the nice set of friends he had before.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that if he doesn't I need to seriously consider moving his school and as we are in the process of moving house anyway to move area too?

I think you need to stop looking at this as though it's all the other boy's fault. If you told your son to keep away from them, he should do just that.

Every area/school has a bad crowd. It's up to you and your son to work these things out.

I dont think YABU at all. I think you have given DS fair warning to pull himself togther...but be wary..the upheaval of moving could be just as bad for him at this point.

Unless you can get him into a REALLY good school then I would focus on keeping DS busy....maybe you could make him do some other acvities atweekends?

And also, you can make sure as a parent that his homework is done on time and ban him from the shopping precint until he learns to behave.

Unfortunately he may noe want to hand around with his 'good friends' any more so he (and you) will have to learn that he is responsible at aged 13 for his own behaviour and actions.

As has been said, there are challenging children in all schools so moving may not solve your problem until your son accepts responsibility for his own actions and you get a better grip on how he is spending his time out of school.

He does do after school activities and plays football and rugby on a weekend so only has Saturday and Sunday afternoons and one or two afternoons a week to go out.
I do ask about homework every evening and check his diary, but it's often empty. One thing discussed at parents evening was homework being emailed to me but this stopped and I k ow the teachers have hundreds of pupils to look out for so I can't expect them to always remember even though it was their suggestion.

I know my ds is not an angel and I know he is old enough to be responsible for his own actions, I can honestly say though that I never had a problem or anything other than a positive comment about him until last summer holidays when this boy appearred onthe scene on a regular basis.
I have sincE been told that A was excluded from his last school for breaking someones nose. I have also had a conversation with another mum at football about A threatening her 11 yr old son and 12 yr old son with the police becoming involved I. That too, this was co pletley unprompted and she wasn't even aware that my son knew A let alone was a friend.
I do know 13 is a difficult age and I had thought/ hoped that we had set a good enough example and also instilled in him enough morals and respect for himself and others that he would t have chosen to be like this?

The thing is (and I speak as a mum of a teen) the world is full of kids like 'A'. Also, 13 is an age where kids (sadly) do tend to change and it's not always the influence of other kids that change them.

I had a wonderful (geeky) friend from when I was 5yrs old but when I hit 13yrs, I didn't want her anywhere near me because I wanted to be with the 'in crowd'.

Now there's an 'in crowd' in every school and area so that's where self discipline (on your son's part) will have to come in to play. It may take a long time and he may end up in a lot of trouble but with basically good support behind him, hopefully he'll grow out of it quickly.

Honestly teenagers..you can't live with them and you can't kill them either

Thanks wl xh has him this weekend and hopefully a bit of a father and son chat and some time out from younger siblings he might see things a bit clearer. Then again he might not and we might be in for much more trouble. If I'd known parenting teenagers would be this hard work I might have stopped at one, I have three more to go through this with.

My ds is almost 15 and has become friendly with someone I would rather he didn't. I have tried very hard to keep the lines of communication open between us to ensure he tells me alot of what is going on. I would love to say to him never see this boy again but I can't. He has to make his own choices/mistakes and all I can do is hope I have laid the right foundations.

I used to think children needed us most when they were little and often read people saying they need you less as they get older. This has not been my experience in a way they need you more, to be there, to listen, to support, to help navigate through the dangerous waters of those teenage years!!

You have my sympathy - its hell being the parent of a teen!!

You say you have younger childrenm at least you will have been through all this and will be ready next time!!

yes my others are 9, almost 5 and 18 months. I am dreading it.
Maybe its a shock to realise i haven't done as good a job of parenting him as i thought he had. I was certain that I had instilled in him the moral values to avoid situations like this occurring.
thanks for the replies.