For being annoyed with DP and uncertain what to do?

[Mare11bp]

My first post, though a fan of mumsnet for ages.

I have DS aged 3 (nearly) and 15 weeks pregnant. Have difficult relationship with in-laws (may save that one for another post!) but problem is that they are rather interfering and SIL in particular is vindictive and nasty. I have some friends I know through my son but the rest of my family and friends are an hour away, my choice of course as I moved away but I do feel isolated at times particularly with in-law situation.

Yesterday DP and I had disagreement about the in-law situation and in a controlled manner I said "I don't find you very supportive". To which he lost it, screamed at the top of his voice Fing and blinding then picked up a bit of toast above his head and lobbed it on the floor by my feet. DS in next room. Just prior to this, during the argument, he was dangling a piece of ham in my face and trying to force me to eat it because I said it was off and he was saying nothing wrong with it.

He wouldn't hit me I don't think and never touch our son but it was, and I feel stupid saying that, a bit intimidating and scary. Probably because it was out of character.

I have a good relationship with his dad and rang him and told him everything as I wanted him to say something to my DP but he is trying to get my DP to talk about it first and raise it, he doesn't want to raise it first through fear of falling out. I just want someone to say it's not acceptable behaviour in my home.

Came from a violent home myself and tho nobody hurt yesterday nor I think they would be it just sent alarm bells ringing.

Worse thing was yesterday was a write-off, sat with my son and read with him for an hour but apart from that was so upset used C Beebies as a babysitter. Thank God my friends turned up last night with a takeaway which cheered me up.

Don't know what to do/say. I think he may apologise but justify on the basis that I was winding him up. DP asleep just now so any advice before he wakes up useful.

Sorry to ramble. Nobody here to fight my corner even my family don't feel able to challenge him.

I am taking from your post that it is EXTREMELY unusual for your DP to react in this way.

Is there something else on his mind and this was the straw that broke the camels back? Do you often have discussions about the 'in-law' situation? Is it possible he's feeling a bit stuck in the middle between you and them?

Or is he just an arse who can't take criticism?

Also, I don't understand why you called your dad to get him to say something to DP? Just seems a bit odd for a grown woman to phone her parents to get them to say what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in HER home. That's something you should say to DH.

Sounds like you just need to vent. I also think it's marvellous that you're saying it all out loud and not ignoring the warning signs. So many let events like this get out of hand. And I think it's also great you spoke to his dad. Is his dad frightened of his DS?

Are you doing all the parenting? Is everyone frightened of your DP? This all sounds a bit odd, but don't worry it's not you. If I were you, I'd just stay cool and tackle it when the moment seems right. If you possibly can, get your ILs to pick up your DS for the day and take him out somewhere really nice. That way he'll come home for bed time totally shattered, and you can do whatever you need to. You're right, your DP does sound unsupportive, but I've no idea whether this is a flash in the pan, or whether it's been coming for a while.

Again, I say, blow the whistle. If this is the thin end of the wedge, bullies rely on your silence to continue their regime. If he's just been under loads of strain recently and has blown a gasket as a one-off, it's still bullying behaviour and I think this is your opportunity to say, 'one more stunt like that, and you and your bags will be on the pavement', etc. He should not be forcing you to eat food. Doesn't sound like it was a joke to me. Nor should he be shouting and swearing, either at you, but it is made worse by your DS being in the next room. If DP thinks it's acceptable, then he'll do it again.

Do/did his parents ever behave like this with each other? If so, maybe speaking to his dad has pressed a few guilt buttons for your FIL. I hope you spoke to your friends as well. Sometimes if you speak to the in laws in these cases, as it often has happened in the past in your DPs parents' relationship, they will be in COMPLETE denial. It would raise too many issues for them. So, tell a few people from your side too, though be clear if you're undecided how to handle it. Don't let someone tell you what to do.

YANBU.

Sorry, have rambled here. Let us know how you get on. Look after you and your two littlies, wish your DP was doing a better job at it.

Hi, thanks for the post, I did tell him he was unreasonable, which he wouldn't accept and justified on the basis that I had annoyed him. He can't really take criticism very well at all, which results in him becoming upset very quickly.
I phoned his dad as I was feeling a bit powerless his dad no longer with his mum and he is someone I can confide in and who can understand the issues as he knows them all.
Yes it was out of character which is why it shocked me so much there have been some changes at work (not financial or anything) but he can't cope with change either. He feels awkward about the in-law situation too, tho I have said countless times that I don't expect him to ever challenge them when I am there or not just support me behind closed doors.

Ah, you spoke to his Dad.

Still not sure why you'd want him to speak to DP about his unacceptable behaviour in your house.

Thank you missmehalia, I found your post really helpful.