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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think people should butt out

16 replies

lookingup · 26/02/2011 21:03

I was widowed 3 years ago, my husband was ill with thyroid cancer for nearly 2 years and his GP, My DC and I are at a different practice, was brilliant. Fast forward 18 months and we moved to a village 10 miles away and the GP is now a neighbour and fellow dog walker. Over the next 12 months we became close friends and over the last 6 months have been in a relationship. He is divorced but his DCs and mine get on well and there are no problems with them at all.

But people have been talking, including my former MIL, implying there is something 'unprofessional' about our relationship. There isn't and we have been open and honest about everything but it is casting a shadow over my happiness, and I for a long time despaired of ever feeling joy again. My MIL has made so many comments to my DD and DS, both teenagers, that they are now refusing to visit her. I feel that this is letting my husband down and have tried to talk to her but last time she accused me of being a slut who had been sleeping with my new partner when my husband was ill. I found this so distressing that I haven't contacted her for 2 weeks and neither have I made the dcs. I understand that nobody should have to bury a child and she is hurting but my children are her only GC and she is going to be the one who misses out. AIBU to think she should make the next move. BTW we always had a good relationship until 6 months ago when I told her I had been on a date something she had suggested in the past, I was 40 when my dh died.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 26/02/2011 21:05

That all sounds horrible.

I really hope you continue happily in this relationship (and I hope her eyeballs fester and fall out).

FabbyChic · 26/02/2011 21:06

You deserve the right to be able to move on, you don't need anybody's approval to do that.

She is being mean and should move on now.

Don't contact her, let her contact you, she has no right to judge you for finding happiness irrespective of who that is with.

Good luck to you.

troisgarcons · 26/02/2011 21:07

That's awfully sad for you.

You know there has been nothing untoward.

I guess your MIL cannot get over the loss of her child and thinks you should be wearing widows weeds forever more.

Pity her .... and your children are of an age to make their own decisions, it's not as if they are bairns you are keeping away from her.

Take your second chance at happiness and sod what she thinks..

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/02/2011 21:08

I'd say your MIL is letting your late DH down; she's the one splitting the family. Would your DH have wanted to you mourn perpetually, or to find new happiness in due course, as you have done? Hold your head high and send birthday/Xmas cards, but no need to phone unless you have momentous news.

(Like getting remarried... )

mylovelymonster · 26/02/2011 21:10

Sounds as though she is still grieving and is lashing out at you. What she is saying is unfair and you have every right to move on with your life.
Would it be useful to write her a letter about it all, being open & honest with her? Getting things out in the open? Something she can re-read on her own rather than a face-to-face which may end up as a row?
Good luck.

MorticiaAddams · 26/02/2011 21:11

You deserve to have a life after your husband and it's not as though you've rushed into anything, you've developed a friendship and then a relationship with somebody who has empathy for your situation and you have now found out you have other things in common.

If your dc can accept this man then that's the most important thing and it's very sad if you mil thinks you should spend the rest of your life alone. She is the one who is losing out and being unhappy if she can't accept it.

Good luck to you.

PepsiPopcorn · 26/02/2011 21:11

YANBU. Your life, your business. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

curlymama · 26/02/2011 21:12

You are right, leave her to make the next move. Your dc are old enough to communicate with her directly, and you have been through enough, and by the sounds of it made every effort with her. You deserve to be able to enjoy your life.

However if she does make a move, welcome her back into your life and try to be forgiving.

Thingumy · 26/02/2011 21:13

She sounds very bitter and still grieving over her son.

I would be the adult and call a meeting with her to discuss your feelings openly.

I'd tell her that you do not appreciate petty name calling and toxic behaviour that is hurting your children.

Your dh would not of wished for his mother to hurt his children and wife.

If she cannot be adult or polite,I'd cut all ties.

Eglu · 26/02/2011 21:14

YANBU. Especially making commnents to your DC. They are obviously happy enough with your relationship.

Does she realise that she is driving her Grandchildren away.

activate · 26/02/2011 21:15

i would consider sending her a carefully worded card and tell her the ball is in her court now

say something like "as you know DH and I had a wonderful relationship and I know he would give his blessing to this new relationship. Nobody can ever replace DH for any of us."

say the door is always open for her to re-enter yours and DS, DD's life and that you will welcome her with open arms

write it, sleep on it, re-read it, re-write it - make sure there is nothing that can be misinterpreted in it

sign it from all of you

on another point - good for you, I wish you a happy dog-walking relationship

Original poster

lookingup · 26/02/2011 21:20

Thank you a letter is a good idea, what really hurts is her implication that I have forgotten about dh. We met on our first day at uni and were together nearly 22 years, how could I ever forget him? I think about him and miss him every day, I talk about him to the dc every day and all 3 of us find the fact that my new partner knew, liked and respected him a positive. But he loved his mother and deep down she is a kind, loving woman, I feel like I have taken my happiness at her expense. However Matt would want me to be happy, he even told me that he wanted me to be with someone else before he died. I just can't listen to her cruel lies.

OP posts:

solooovely · 26/02/2011 21:27

Just wanted to say that the fact that you new partner liked and respected your husband is so nice.

mmsmum · 26/02/2011 21:34

YANBU maybe she will come round, for the sake of the children I hope she does. Maybe any new relationship would have been hard on her, even if thought it would be ok it must be strange, and because it's someone your husband knew and presumably trusted she's on the defense. I think that because it is someone your husband knew and trusted that he would be happy for you. Give her time to get used to it but if she doesn't change then it's her loss, sad and no need for it but what can you do?

Catnao · 26/02/2011 21:34

So sorry for your loss, and so glad for your new happiness! If your mother in law is struggling with your new relationship, try to be kind, but do what is best for you and your kids. I wish you well.

mylovelymonster · 26/02/2011 21:34

lookingup - that is just the sort of thing you should be telling her (if you haven't already!)

Death brings such strong emotions and is a catalyst for arguments while involved parties are still feeling so raw. Post traumatic stress disorder highly likely. Don't let it ruin your relationships. It's time to look forward.

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