or is my mum?

[pinkyp]

This could be more of a rant but it'd be nice to know if i'm being unreasonable or not.
I have a 3yr ds who use to go to my mums 14hrs a week whilst i worked (i'm on maternity leave now so he doesnt at the min). Ever since he was about 10 months old we've had problems.

1. she used to give him baby food at 10-12 months old and probabily a bit beyond - i explained he could have 'normal food' but she insisted he was a baby.

2. once he got to about 2 she use to give him as many sweets/chocolate as he wanted-often he didnt ask she'd mention it/offer.

3)when ds was going through a phase of not eating his dinners me and dh wouldnt give him no snacks inbetween as he'd fill up on these etc -i asked my mum to do the same but she insisted 'you cant starve him' and ignored us.

4. he got diagnosed with a nut allergy at 2.5years - this calmed down her as she didnt know what treats he could have...unfortunately 1 year later and she has 6 (yes 6!) boxes of baking boy cakes in her cuboard.

5. she'll feed him and dress him - i tell her not too he can do it himself has been able to for ages ...her response 'everyone needs a bit of help sometimes'....(yeh they do but not to bleeding eat porridge!)

6. I've tried telling her if he's been naughty and having a paddy to ignore him but she ends up cuddling him and showering him with kisses.

7)I've asked her not to give him cakes/sweets (or at least not many) etc but she just ignores this. I've even took food down but it usually gets left and i've told her things he can have and likes strawberrys,banana's,grapes etc

8. she always tells me "oh he didnt want to come home today" - i'm sure she only says it to make me feel bad (dh says its because he can eat what he wants and get away with anything at her house)

9)she always insists she's better...we were all having a cake at a party and ds said i've got a pink cake and mummys got a blue one" grandma piped up with "yes you've got a pink one like grandma and we match and thats better"

10. now she's started telling me i'm over feeding ds2 (he's breastfed) and she keeps telling me "oh you need to put him down once in a while" but when she's holding him ds1 gets ignored :s

My brother still lives at home and she treats him like a baby yesterday she picked up some kinder eggs- i remindered her ds couldnt have those and she said there for your brother.....he's 30!

I like going down esp now i have ds2 it gets us out of the house but i also hate going down because of these reasons i dont know what to do. AIBU?

also
I feel like this wouldnt be a problem if she only saw him once a week or so but she use to see him 4 times a week sometimes more. I also try not to be nasty when telling her as she did have him for free as i couldnt afford childcare. Now when my little boy comes out of school he'll ask "can we go to grandma's" and if i say no he says "but i want chocolate"

YANBU, but I think this is the danger when you rely on a relative for childcare. I know it's shit when there's no other option.

YANBU to be annoyed... but as PigValentine says, this is often what happens when you rely on relatives for childcare. It can often work out brilliantly all round when you agree on how the DC are to be taken care of but if you disagree as you and your DM seem to it all goes tits up and you have to make compromises. Like shelling out for a CM or letting your DM do things her way. I know what I'd do....

If it's any consolation I have similar issues at times with several family members. I have no trouble leaving DD aged 3 with my mum or SIL but less happy to leave her with MIL and my sister as they do things differently to me.

If you were willing to put up with all that when she was providing a free babysitting service then YABU to feel this way now that there's nothing in it for you.

Sorry but this seems to come up time and again with working parents. If you're willing to accept her faults when you're at work, it's not fair on your son to stop him visiting her now.

Sometimes free childcare is just not worth it.

Your children will be constantly trying to process two different sets of conflicting rules, very confusing and unsettling for them and you will always be battling this. It will get harder as the children get older and learn to start playing you off against each other. I'd find an alternative if you want to bring them up your way and still retain your sanity!

Free child care comes at a cost.

I presume you have more 'control' at the moment whilst you are on maternity. So you need to think ahead. Are you returning to work? If so you will need to look at other types of child care or tackle this ( and your mother might tell you to get lost).

Grandparents do spoil, do things totally different to us. Can you tackle her on the worst of the things you hate but accept other stuff will happen. But if she loves him and he has a happy relationship with her see that as outweighing the bits that niggle you?

They do have a happy relationship and i still take him to see her a couple of times a week because they both injoy it - i just wish she'd agree with me every now and then or at least try to help me out with his behaviour when he's naughty rather than undermiming me all the time.

I cannot afford to not work but like suggested i am going to have to sort something out via childcare or working from home or something as i dont think her having regular full control whilst i'm at work 3-4 times a week is going to be a very good idea.

worraliberty - i tried tackling same issues all the time as it has always bothered me so i dissagree that just because 'i'm not getting anything out of it' i'm suddenly bothered - thats not the case.

I would not worry too much about 2 different sets of rules confusing him. I think all little ones have an instinctive understanding of this. In fact use it to their advantage and may like to play adults off against each other.

If you have a decent relationship with your mum - take her out for lunch with no kids and tell her in well rehearsed way your concerns. And tell her you love the fact they adore each other.

It's a grandparents job to spoil their grandchildren moderately but if its got to the stage he's not eating his meals because he's been gorged with chocolate and wanting to see her for chocolate everyday then it has all gone too far. The fact that your brother has been spoiled the same way and is still at home pretty much shows what the result of continuing this will be: when he reaches eighteen he'll want to move in with her to get free chocolate and board.

The fact is he doesn't really want to see his grandmother because she's his grandmother, he wants to see her for the chocolate. I would try giving him moderate amounts of chocolate yourself so that his grandmother isn't the only place he gets chocolate, but significantly reduce the amount of time he sees her. Try to have her come around in the evenings after he's had his supper and is full (don't tell him she's coming) and when she produces chocolate, he could have a little bit but put the rest on a high shelf and dole it out sensibly once she is gone.

I do give him treats like chocolate etc - but he knows with me he doesnt get it on demand or if he's been naughty.

He does like playing with her....part of me is starting to think she's giving him all cakes / sweets etc whenever he wants so she's favourite and feels wanted just really really bugs me. Once a week isnt too bad maybe i should cut down visits?

She is being VU. My MIL has always provided some of our weekly childcare for us and has been really good about making sure that she doesn't go out of her way to ignore our wishes.

There is a bit of give and take. I don't mention the fact (too regularly anyway) that they watch more TV than I would like. I also don't mention that the kids told me she gives them coco pops for breakfast.

But, they are only there for one day a week and I see this stuff as being part of her spoiling her grandchildren (which she is entitled to do within reason).

Your mother sounds like she is going way beyond the boundaries if what is reasonable.

Agreed 2 cats! I do bite my tongue alot of the time but she just seems to be getting worse.

What made me start this thread was after she visited last night..

ds was having porridge for his supper - he wasnt eating it all so she said "let me feed you" i told her he could feed him self ds didnt eat anymore.

ds was playing with a toy and i asked himto go get his pj's please -he ignored me and said to my mum "look at this toy grandma" again i asked him to get his pj's and my mum ignored me and said to ds "oh wow thats a fantastic toy".

when ds was getting his pj's she told me he didnt want to come home and apparently ds had said "grandma i can be as loud as i want at your house". I explained sometimes when ds is shouting or playing with his keyboard / musical toys after a while i tell him to be quiet or play with something a little quieter. She told me she lets him be as loud as he wants and i should encourage him to be loud.

Ds came back down with his pj's and she took them off him and said "do you want grandma to dress you" i interrupted her and said he gets dressed on his own. She again ignored me and started to get ds's pj's on and said "everyone needs a little help" - i told he he hadnt asked for help - ds started playing up to this then and told grandma to take his socks of,take his t.shirt off and stood grining whilst she did this.

It sounds like a comprehensive and stiff talking-to is well overdue (to your mum, not the 2year old).

Do you have other problems with her?

If you don't like it then don't send dc's to her. She is doing you a favour, she's giving you free childcare. She isn't looking after them as you would but she did bring you up and you seem ok

The OP is no longer sending her children to her mum. She's saying that she doesn't even want to visit her mother very often anymore because of all the issues.

And, speaking from experience, it's really not that easy to just send them somewhere else. Unlike childcare that you buy from nurseries, childminder's, etc family-based arrangements can be a relationship and emotional minefield.

Yeh we do have alot of 'issues' between me and her. Personally i think its quite clear my brother is her favourite. I am really greatful that she looked after ds whilst i was at work and i did bite my tongue alot as its 'free childcare' but when doi stop biting?

I really dont want to send ds back to her care (because of these issues) when i go back but really its the only way as my wage is rubbish but just enough to keep us afloat. It has put me of visiting but i do make sure i call down once or twice a week for her to see ds.

think you need to lay it on the line for her.

Be prepared look into nurseries and cm or look how you can cut costs (to cease work entirely)or work from home, you need to have a REALISTIC WORKABLE plan B BEFORE you start!

Then tell her EXACTLY and rationally (possible written down so emtion does not become too involved) what it is you feel is damaging your relationship i.e. the undermining, belittling and general pandering rather than providing any boundaries for your ds and tell her you do not want to be the parent of a spoilt brat.Outline your postion you see it as having 2 choices to continue to allow you dm to have your ds on YOUR terms or to do what ever you have as plan B, she then has the option to agree to your (resasonable) requests or only see him when you are present, with a normal grandparent relationship.

As for things atm I would be challengeing her EVERY time, I felt she was pushing your boundaries and undermining you. The firmer you are the more seriously she will believe this is a problem. Yes she is you dm but ds is YOUR son not hers to be brought up as YOU see fit.

There will be no easy way in dealing with this.

thank u doris