Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to wish DH would put on a happy face and sometimes cheer me up

24 replies

BlackBag · 26/02/2011 10:06

I tend to be the happy, smiley, make an effort one round here. Cheering the family along even though sometimes I don't feel like doing it.

DH tends to drift around, never very sad, never really happy.

AIBU to wish that sometimes he would smile (even if he does n't want to), make an effort and cheer me up?

OP posts:

MorticiaAddams · 26/02/2011 10:10

YANBU. We are all pretty much happy smiley people here and it sounds like hard work being the only one.

Play a little game, just go quiet and see how long it takes before he tries to cheer you up.

BooyFuckingHoo · 26/02/2011 10:11

yanbu, it is hard to always be the one responsible for everyone else's happiness. in your shoes i would tell him how you feel.

shakey1500 · 26/02/2011 10:27

YANBU- I understand where you're coming from. My dh is a pessimist a lot of the time and it always seems to be me looking on the positive (even though I sometimes don't feel it) "geeing" everyone else along.

Of course i know my own happiness is in my hands and that's fine. My choice. I just wish sometimes dh would pick me up when I feel low, as I do him. Reverse pshychology works when I try it in the extreme but, in general, he will tend to see worst case scenario immediately instead of thinking "right, what can we DO to ease this pressure/deal with this better etc etc"

PigValentine · 26/02/2011 10:31

YANBU. It is a strain always being the jolly one.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 26/02/2011 10:32

YADNBU.

my dh is a grumpy sod. It is very wearing. Last night I was putting the children to bed (because he gets too wound up when they are naughty) while he cooked a meal from the Jamie 30 minutes book and got himself in a stew because he thought the instructions were wrong, so when I came down from the emotional work of keeping 3 tired children calm I had to calm down an upset, angry and overreacting dh

2rebecca · 26/02/2011 10:35

Why does someone "have" to be the jolly one?
You can all go around with neutral faces. It's not compulsary for each family to have a cheerleader.

Original poster

BlackBag · 26/02/2011 10:38

I know my happiness is in my hands, just as it's lovely when someone else makes you a cup of tea it would be lovely to have some one smile.

He used to make an effort many years ago, guess we've just worn each other down.

The reverse psycology never really works when DH sees me being flat & quiet he's quite happy to join me, guess he feels now that's how life should be.

OP posts:

thinkingbig · 26/02/2011 10:39

Oh poor you :( Maybe he just doesn't show that he's happy in the same way. Maybe you need a codeword or something..! So he can let you know he's feeling good without having to grin.

Perhaps this is a ridiculous idea...

BooyFuckingHoo · 26/02/2011 14:27

2rebecca it isn't unreasonable to expect your partner to comfort you when you are down the same way you do for him/her when he/she is down.

2rebecca · 26/02/2011 14:31

Black bag did give the impression that she thought someone should always be cheerful in her family. If neither of you feels particularly bouncy why should either of you have to pretend to be that way? I don't go around cheering my husband up and don't expect him to cheer me up.
If on the other hand he was always miserable I'd tell him that I didn't want to live with him like that as it was dragging me down, and he either sees his GP to sort out why he's always miserable or changes his attitude or both.

naturalbaby · 26/02/2011 14:36

me and dh take it in turns being the grumpy/jolly one but falling into the same scenario where were worn down too so are often both down in the dumps. right now i'm the very grumpy one and trying to snap out of it. not easy.

i'm sure he doesn't realise how he's making you feel. it's not as if he's doing it on purpose to make you miserable. human nature being what it is he is probably thinking about himself and not how you are feeling as a result of his facial expression.

BooyFuckingHoo · 26/02/2011 14:40

where did she give that impression that she thought someone should always be happy? she would just like her DH to notice when she is down and try and make her feel better. don't think it is a strange thing to want. we are with are partners because tehy make us feel good. if tehy aren't doing taht then something needs to happen to shake it up. people get complacent and forget that their partner is a person with bad days aswell. we all need a bit of a hug now and again, if you cant get it from your partner then why are you with them? (not saying OP should leave him befrore i get attcked i think she needs to tell him how she feels and what she wants.)

2rebecca · 26/02/2011 14:53

She said she was always cheering the family along even when she didn't feel like it.
Why do it then? If you don't feel cheerful then just act how you feel.
I expect my partner to empathise with me and hug me etc if I'm feeling a bit down, but I don't expect him to have to pretend to be cheerful to do this if he's feeling emotionally neutral or a bit down himself.
I'm usually fairly optimistic, but I never pretend to be so if I'm feeling fed up and never feel the need to cheer my family up, like a family clown.

BooyFuckingHoo · 26/02/2011 15:01

nope. she didn't mention always at all.

Original poster

BlackBag · 26/02/2011 15:13

We're coming to the end of a long, cold winter here, juggling small children, work, money etc. Nothing out of the ordinary.

2rebecca I find that DH tends to find 'who's feeling the most miserable' a competition, plunging us down and I'm always the one that from somewhere has to turn the situation round. I really don't want to live in a flat, grumpy house. I tend to hide my anger/annoyance/laughing at bad behaviour from the kids, do you not do that? Does the emptional honesty make for a far more disruptive home?

DD2 requires constant anti-tantrum tatics during the school run, DD1 comes home tired. Dh is tired/preoccupied by work, I guess I'm was asking if I ABU to wish that someone would distract me with a joke for a change.

The dog is generally the happiest thing round here

OP posts:

Original poster

BlackBag · 26/02/2011 15:17

That should read the dog is consistently the happiest thing round here!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 26/02/2011 15:23

When I'm in my own home I'd hate the idea that I'd be expected to put on a happy face when I didn't feel it.

That's not to say I don't hide my emotions to a certain extent from the DC, as I don't think DC should be burdened with adult problems.

I really do know how your DH feels, I know you want him to make an effort, but perhaps he thinks that he can just be himself with you? Is he wrong to think that?

Original poster

BlackBag · 26/02/2011 15:25

Good points everyone, will ponder further...

With your partners do you fall into happy & sad roles are are you generally equal?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 26/02/2011 15:28

Yeah, now you've said if he's being miserable it can pull you down with them I see what you mean.

Hmmmmm I'm not sure now

Try telling him it might never happen? (joking)

MissySmith · 26/02/2011 15:30

I know what Blackbag means,but I think that it's hoping against hope for DH to take on the role of being the cheery one when you've taken it on. If I feel flat,I do show it,but get over it by myself.

Bilin · 26/02/2011 16:01

YANBU but it is difficult to make another person (even husband or wife) happy when one its not happy within himself/herself

BooyFuckingHoo · 26/02/2011 16:44

i don't think you should hide your emotions but i get what you mean about when both of you are feeling down, it gets to a point hwere you are fed up constantly feeling like that and you want to say say "Oh FGs, cheer up!" unfortunately, if this is how he is, then i'm not sure if even telling him what you want will work. misery tends to be a self absorbed state so when he is feeling down, he is unlikely to suddenly remember that you want him to throw out a wee joke. i feel for you, i just dont know how to help you.

Original poster

BlackBag · 26/02/2011 17:09

My DDs can be amazingly cute and I have some lovely RL friends who are always fun.

I think at home I just rely on those MN threads like
Does you house have twigs and pebbley shit?
and todays AIBU to get my 6 month baby a whole happy meal?

Poor DH he does have a face like a slapped arse these days but does manage to pull it together very well in company so I suspect that no one in real life would recognise this picture.

OP posts:

TitsalinaBumSquash · 26/02/2011 17:15

I know what you mean BlackBag.

When I was with ex, I was always the 'rock' of the family. Sometimes I would have a low day and instead of taking it onboard and giving me a hug or trying to help out ex would moan and whinge about me being a bit low and strop about it. The amount of times I expalined to him that actually I would snap put of it a lot quicker if he gave me a hug and took the kids for an hour so I could have some space and quiet but that was to hard aparently...

Flip