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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish she'd bottled up her own problems for another time?

27 replies

LisasCat · 26/02/2011 08:05

Yesterday was my birthday and my mother called at 7.50am, when I was in the middle of having a lovely morning with DP and DD in bed, opening presents and cards before having to go to work. She called to say happy birthday, or at least that was the cover story. Conversation went vaguely like this:
DM: Happy Birthday, wanted to catch you before work, how are you?
Me: Thank you, I'm fine, how are you?

DM then spends 20 minutes telling me how crap everything in her life is right now - health (in minute detail), work, finances, the ever-deteriorating relationships with everyone around her (spot the common denominator mother!)....suffice to say everything is terrible, she has nothing good to say about anything.
Finally she says: ...but anyway, I don't want to spoil your birthday.

Given the fact that DP got DD to keep singing Happy Birthday really loudly to try to remind her of the purpose of her call, but she obviously missed the subtle hints, AIBU to think she could have just bottled up all her misery for 48 hours and then called me on Monday to regail me with all her tales of woe? It's not like any of this was a new development, it will all be exactly the same next week (as it was last week when I spoke to her). Or would that make me a bad daughter and do serious long-lasting damage to her mental health (on top of everything else)?

OP posts:
Rosebud05 · 26/02/2011 08:16

Of course ynbu; my mother is a bit like this and it's unpleasant and just wrong that everything is about her but she doesn't know now to be any other way.

Try to just put it in a box and not let it seep into the rest of your life. Hope that you did have a good birthday.

Misfitless · 26/02/2011 08:25

No - she's needy and selfish. It wasn't fair on your DP or DD either.

My mother has no joie de vie at all and never has. She never makes anything posiive or interesting happen in her life, has no hobbies or interests, barely any friends and as a result is far too involved in my life.

Prior to me explaining that it's too excessive and time consuming a couple of months ago, she would often phone me in excess of four times a day with nothing to say other than to ask how my DCs are.

This can be quite draining, but in a way your situation is worse as your mum is just moaning at you - and on your birthday at that!

You are a very lovely daughter letting her waffle on for 20 minutes - I'd have given it a couple of minutes tops!

It does sound like you only get this once a week though, so maybe count your lucky stars Smile.

anonnyme · 26/02/2011 08:30

Today is my birthday.

I would give almost anything to have either of my parents still alive to phone me up for a moan.

lorelilee · 26/02/2011 08:38

Oh FFS - there's always one, isn't there? Self absorbed - much? Please remember all - you are not allowed to complain about ANYONE because one day they might die.

AboardtheAxiom · 26/02/2011 08:43

Do we have the same mum Lisascat? Mine does this too. I screen my calls and encourage emails. That way I can deal with her on my own terms when I have the time/ energy, and am in the right frame of mind.

sloggies · 27/02/2011 17:12

I see I have a couple of sisters! Yes, this is my Mum too. She wouldn't admit it, but she suffers from a low-level depression, which makes her quite negative. I try to protect myself from it as much as I can, keeping the convo brief, etc. She was especially good at passing on negative, but not urgent or necessary stories when we rang her from holidays, which is vv annoying. YANBU.

bupcakesandcunting · 27/02/2011 17:16

Yep, my mum too.

I would have half-jokingly said "well, thanks for that mum! You've really cheered me up"

Then she could have done the "hurt feelings (trademark Bupcake's Mother) face.

thefurryone · 27/02/2011 17:17

Sounds a bit like my Mum, who also has the habbit of oneupship when it comes to me ringing her up for a moan along the lines of:

me: I'm sad because I've sprained my wrist
her: Well think yourself lucky I've just broken my leg

Apparently I'm totally blessed in my life and hers is shit despite the fact that her behaviour towards me in the last few years culminated in my reaching almost suicidal levels of depression.

Sorry I seem to have hijacked your thread YANBU

givemeaclue · 27/02/2011 20:26

YANBU

xmas day:

Me: 'merry christmas mum' (on phone)
Her: 'my guttering has broken' blah blah blah
Me: held phone at length and ignored her.

why don't they pick a better time to have a download??!! Does rather put the kybosh on the happy chat phone call!

mmsmum · 27/02/2011 20:30

YANBU

My Sister did this to me on my birthday, first thing she said was happy birthday but from then on it was all about her. Except, that she did ask what dd had got me, knowing fine well that I'm on my own and she is too young to shopping by herself

saffy85 · 27/02/2011 20:31

YANBU my mum does this all the time. Phones me up to ask how I am and then practically interupts to tell we what's gone tits up in her life (never bloody changes either). And it often is a case of "anything you can do, I do better" ie, her issues are always much worse than mine. Hmm

Georgimama · 27/02/2011 20:32

Bearing in mind she has form as a moany PITA and this could hardly have caused you even a moment's concern, did her 20 minute whinge actually impact on your precious birthday morning in any way?

You aren't six. Your birthday is not your "princess for a day" day.

Original poster
LisasCat · 28/02/2011 07:17

Georgimama it ate into the limited time I had with DP and DD before leaving for work. Normally she feels no shame about calling my work number to waste my time, but for some reason, this time, she felt the need to rob me of nice time, snuggled in bed with my two favourite people. That's what bugged me.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 28/02/2011 07:23

And it is inconsiderate, and completely unaware!

newpup · 28/02/2011 07:32

My mum is a bit self obsessed at times. She called me on my birthday last year not to wish me happy birthday but to tell me the old lady next door had died and she was having a crisis with the washing machine! She ended her call with 'oh have a nice day, it is your birthday, isn't it' Smile

OneWaySystemBlues · 28/02/2011 08:38

I recommend screening your calls. Get a phone with caller ID and just don't answer if you're busy/not in the mood to hear it. I do this all the time now, though it took a while to not automatically jump to answer the phone.

thunderbird69 · 28/02/2011 08:46

Personally, my Mum can call and talk about whatever she wants any time.

She's my Mum - she's been there for me all my life.

AboardtheAxiom · 28/02/2011 09:35

You're mum sounds lovely thunderbird, can't speak for the OP but my mum has not been there for me all my life and that is probably why her selfishness and self involved attitude grates on me. I learnt from a very young age my mum put herself first not her kids - I wish I had a normal mother daughter relationship but not everyone gets to have that.

compo · 28/02/2011 09:40

Happy birthday anonnyne , sorry for your loss

MarineIguana · 28/02/2011 09:42

Yes this is exactly why I rarely answer my landline, and have caller ID - it's brilliant. And I would never answer the phone to my mum on my birthday! - harsh but true - because she would spoil it.

She does plenty of moaning on about ailments and problems and people she doesn't like. It's not all negative, sometimes it's "oh let me tell you about a lovely poem I wrote!" (Aaarrrgh! no thanks!) but whatever it is it's all me me me - and she doesn't give a toss if it's inconvenient. Even if I say "I'm sorry I really have to go, I'm in the middle of making tea, DD has just been sick and DS has torn the curtains down" she'll go "Oh but just let me tell you about blah blah

MarineIguana · 28/02/2011 09:45

And yes I wish people would not lay a guilt trip on those of us who need to let off steam about our mums. I would love to have a lovely, caring, capable mum who was supportive and trustworthy. I don't have that and never have had. If you have, that's wonderful and if you have lost her, it's awful and of course you have everyone's sympathy. But that doesn't mean those of us with selfish, hurtful, cruel or otherwise very difficult mums have to appreciate them while they're here. If you have not grown up with an inadequate mum, I'm afraid you cannot know what it's like and you must allow people who have to use forums like this to vent and support each other.

thunderbird69 · 28/02/2011 09:58

I'm sorry that you have had such a rough time from your mother Marine, but the OP didn't mention anything about how she was brought up by her mother and if she had suffered as a result. If that is the case then it would be a facotr in whether she was being reasonable or not.

MarineIguana · 28/02/2011 10:26

No, the OP wanted to whinge about her mother though, and has a mother who is demanding and inconsiderate, and some other people on the thread talked about their difficult mothers in a sympathetic way.

It really doesn't help to be made to feel guilty or that by virtue of having given birth to you, your mum deserves endless tolerance and servitude.

Original poster
LisasCat · 28/02/2011 11:28

My mother is neither the best, nor the worst. We've never been close, and I've cretainly never relished the time I spend with her or her phone calls, but nor would I consider her abusive or particularly toxic. Just self-absorbed, totally unaware of the needs of others and very high-maintenance. She is not someone I would consider to "have been there all my life", unlike yours thunderbird.

My OP was simply to let off steam. Yes, I'm aware that some people have lost their parents and have been left devastated by this. Others have wonderful relationships with theirs, and can't understand those of us who feel differently.

But for those of us who have fraught relationships with our mothers, and whose lives are made a bit more awkward/difficult/stressful but their phonecalls and interference, I think we're allowed to let off steam once in a while, when they just take the biscuit. Which is what I believe she did in this instance.

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 28/02/2011 13:35

try my mum for size. Three years in a row she called on my birthday to moan. At the end of the moan, I asked her if she had anything else to say. Nope. She had 'forgotten" it was my birthday.

Lord love her. not.

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