To think life choices shouldn't be this hard?

[wineandroses]

I absolutely hate my current job and am desperate to leave. I may have the chance of another job with a different company but it will require a lot of travel which means less time at home with DD and DH. I would love a job with less travel and less commuting time but can't find anything local which pays a decent wage (I earn the highest wage in our house and anything less means we can't afford our mortgage and must sell the house - I really don't want to do that).DH is in a job that will never pay what I earn. What would you do?

i was in a job that i hated for nine years. for me it always came down to economics first and happiness second. things that were factors for me were job security, pension and HR package and wage. then commute/time away from family.

i was also very afraid of groing from teh frying pan into the fire, of an unkown job - bigger commute and i might still be unhappy or the job may be insecure.

i really really want to say to you 'run after your happiness' but there are a lot of factors to consider, especially if you are that close to losing/selling your home

custardo did you run after your happiness? How did that work out for you? DH tells me to forget house etc as we can live anywhere but I have this big fear of being homeless (we had bailiffs visiting during my childhood and losing everything we have is v frightening to me) but am also very fearful that I will miss the early years of my DDs life and will regret that forever. I am so torn and confused (also v depressed to think that my career choices are so restricted by our mortgage).

i was made redundant so the choice was made for me - i was ectactic! but now im a jobless bum and a bit worried.

i never neat myslef up about working when the kids were little - you do what you have to do, and thats that. i think its a mindset - i'm of the opinion that all kids pretty much do the same thing, and its quality of time not quantity

but its a bummer to feel trapped i agree

You can rent though if you have to, pointless staying in a job you detest. Bodes for unhappiness, and maybe later on health problems like depression.

I guess the only person you can really talk to about this is your husband and your child if they are old enough to understand.

I understand your not wanting to lose everything - but can you downsize and move to a cheaper area? It sounds like you have an awful lot of pressure on you to stay in a job that you really don't like - perhaps if your outgoings were less, you could be a bit more choosy about finding a job that is more appropriate for you in terms of family life, enjoyment etc.

I know some people believe we're put on this earth to suffer, but I'm not one of them - find your enjoyment where you can, too many people slog their hearts out and die too soon after retirement to enjoy their leisure years.

can you sit down and look very hard at your finances, how much reserves you'd need to live on, what your resources/incomes are, what your insurance policies cover if you lost a job etc etc. look at how much you could save if you swapped everything to 2 versions cheaper model/swapped utility providers etc. do a 'if things went perfectly...' and 'if things went badly...' bit of brainstorming and try and judge what are the non-negotiables n terms of lifestyle change/luxuries etc. you might find you could cope with the commute if it meant longer holidays with DD, or that actually you'd put up with a lot fewer luxuries to be around at end of the day etc.

it could reassure you about your stability and give you a more realistic sense what freedom you have to change things. if you're just vaguely batting around ideas it's very easy to be blase (if a risk taker) or terrified (if a safety-bunny).

Few genuinely have real choice in life unless they have access to a lot of money or they have no ties or dependents. If you don't like risk that just narrows your choices a little more. Only you can decide what decision is right for you on this job. But I think once you've made a particular decision it's essential to make peace with the consequences rather than torment yourself with what ifs. That way madness lies :)

Thank you for your thoughts. I do have to do the exercise of looking at finances to see what we can and can't afford. I think I have avoided this because I know what the answer will be - downsize - we all love where we live and will have to move areas so it's hard. My BILs father dropped dead just after he retired, when he was just about to enjoy the fruits of his long years of work, and neither of my parents reached retirement age so I know that life is short I just need to come to terms with the reality of downsizing. It's a bit gutting for a working class girl to admit that we can't do everything. So I will go to bed now and dream of a different life where I get to see my little girl every night and my husband doesn't feel like shit because I keep having to work for a company I hate.

Chil, I like your comments - if I get offered the job, you're right I have to make peace with myself re the choices I've made (choices that give us a better standard of living etc) and if the choices are worth the downside re family life. Thanks I will think on.

Downsizing, or whatever you want to call it (in my case, financial ruin) isn't actually as scary as you think it will be. I had a very well paid job and my own house. I could afford nice things, holidays etc. Then I was made redundant, then I fell pregnant, then I split with my partner and ended up, two years later, forced into bankruptcy and losing my home. At the same time, my DD became very ill (I'd walk out of PICU to find lots of threatening messages on my phone from the mortgage company) and my Dad died. It put it all into perspective. I told the mortgage company to take the house back. The bankruptcy freed me from debt and gave me a new way of living (i.e. within my means, not such a bad thing).

A further two years on and DD and I live in a lovely rented house. No, I don't own it, but, the way I see it, I never owned my previous house, the mortgage company did, and I have more security as a tenant than as a homeowner. I work part-time in a job I am ridiculously over-qualified for but which I love, and I am now in the second year of a degree course. My point is, don't let bricks and mortar (which, technically, you don't even own, and probably won't for many, many years) influence your life choices. Identify what will make you, and your family, happy, and cut out all the things that are stopping you reaching that goal - job you hate, financial commitments etc. It will be painful and scary in the short term, no doubt about that, but the long term gains will be worth it.

What is it about your job that stresses you so much? Is it the line of business or the specific employer? EG if you hate your job because you have a shithead of a manager, can you do something about that? If it's the type of work you hate, tot up the skills it has given you and look for different jobs where those skills will be welcome.

Is there nothing your dp can do to improve his employability and earning power?

Those of us who have to make complex and emotional choices always need to remind ourselves how lucky we are to have those choices.

Many in this country do not. The majority in the world do not.

Be as analytical as you can.
Weigh up the pros and cons on both sides, then make a decision.
Don't torture yourself. What's the point?

I really appreciate all the helpful comments and I know how lucky we are to at least have choices. Having worked hard all my life and studied nights etc to gain qualifications in order to get somewhere with my career it is grim to realise that I don't like what I do, nor the firm I work for but feel tied to what I do because of the salary. I am looking for another job but I think it will be more of the same though hopefully for a better employer. I know that I want to spend more time closer to home and I need to figure out how to achieve that objective. Your comments have made me think about what's actually really important (Severn, your thoughts are really encouraging and I hope all is well now with your daughter). Thanks a lot.

Chil1234, Brilliant advice and probably up there with the best I have ever read on Mnet. OP hope it all helps.

hEY - dont' be down on yourself that you have 'failed'in your choices because you realise you don't like the job you worked hard for. You can only know this because you DID work hard to try something - this isn't a failure, it's a success, it's called having self-determination and being willing to follow dreams and is a huge power and privilege. Now you can try for something else.