Father making negative comments to 4yr old

[pinky23]

My 4yr old spends every other weekend with his Dad and Ive noticed recently that he is coming home repeating negative comments about me. He usually phrases these by way of a question like "what does failure mean? and I am pretty sure its in relation to a conversation he's heard about me.

Sometimes its straight forward "Daddy says you should'nt....... do this/ that etc.
He also lies to me in front of him when he picks up.

Im worried that my son is going to grow up thinking this morality is ok and I believe my ex will take every opportunity to try and turn him against me.

Although we have a great relationship and I do not speak negatively about his Dad I feel I have to address these issues now.

What do you advise? it does state in our contact order that he will not denigrate me in front of my son but clearly isnt paying attention to that. I need evidence but have no idea of how to get that and dont want to drag my son into any of it.

I am also in the horrible situation where my ex teamed up with my own father when we separated. My father suggested a solicitor that he could use against me and has supported him emotionally ever since.

My son has been asking why I dont go to see Grandad and I dont want to lie but its a difficult situation for a toddler to understand. I have just said that Grandad was mean to mummy and didnt say sorry so I dont want to see him anymore!.

I have never tried to stop him having contact with his grandson but I watched him systematically turn my half siblings against there own mother referring to her as "the bitch" in front of them and much worse. I believe he is coaching my ex who worships the ground my father walks on even though they hardly knew each other before I had my son.

When we were together he described my father as "useful" and has since been to his villa in France and generally takes advantage of his wealth as do his girlfriend and sister.

I know its a mutually beneficial situation and it no longer phases me but I am concerned about my son being mixed up in all that negativity and would like to find out if any one out there has been succesful in proving in a court that this type of situation has damaged their children and what has been done about it.

Constructive comments welcome
Thanks

Oh god, I can't believe your father. That is so messed up, and you quite right to cut contact. He seriously has something against women to do that to his own daughter. Awful.

I don't know what you can do about your ex, tbh. The only thing I would say is that children don't like to hear their parent criticised - even when the criticism is valid - and they do figure things out for themselves pretty well in the end. I think you have to steer your own, decent course and trust in your son's basic goodness to help him work things out. You could also keep a diary of what he says, just to help you keep track in case further action is needed.

I am so sorry to hear this. I wish I had advice

Please try posting in legal? I hope someone can help here x

I think you should stop contact immediately actually and get legal advice - you can't let this go on

I think you may be reading to much into comments such as 'what does failure mean'. It could be his father has simply said ' if you don't work hard at school you could become a failure'. (or something more siutable for a 4yo!)

HOWEVER, WTF is that all about with your own father. That would be my greatest concern. Youe EX may get some misplaced loyalty to him if he's being negative to his own daughter. Your ex may feel justifed in being negative because your dad encourages it, and even not directly to your son it may be in front of him.

Best of luck, not an easy situation.

Hi ladies

Thanks for posting Its true Eileen my father does have a problem with any woman who dares to challenge him and ever since I was a teenager he has tried to put me down- not great for a girls self- esteem but in the end I made my decision to walk away from his negativity.

Would love for my son not to be involved with him but if there is no concrete evidence a judge wont take me seriously. Will post in legal thanks Miss Klo and I am keeping a diary.

Anyway cheers for the support I appreciate it.
Pinky

Hi mumbar

its not easy at all and I cant believe his new girlfriend would even want to go to my fathers house! oh hold on perhaps the free French holidays and weekends in a country manor might have something to do with it!. It is totally misplaced loyalty and it suits them both to feed off each other I guess.

Fair point re the comments but these are men who do not know what is appropriate for adult behaviour let alone a child!.

Anyway thanks for your support

Pinky

And Pinky, I definitely would prevent your father from having contact with DS (unless he does that through your ex). He's of no benefit to your DS whatsoever. All the very best of luck to you. All this stuff does get a lot easier as the DCs get older, btw.

how distressing for you , can't really offer any advice more than already been given.

It must be so hard to see your dad sort of "ganging up" on you with your Ex. A neturality between the both of you ( ex and you) I could "just" understand a sort of "I'm not getting involved" type of thing but to actually side AGAINST his own daughter how awful for you and you ds and very confusing for you ds as well.

Could you take your DS to a child counsellor or something along those lines. They could 'weed' out what is being discussed in front of your DS as your concerns are about this half of his up bringing, iyswim.

Your dad is unbelievable though, but I've experienced the same from a male member of my family so understand why you stay clear of him. Whatever you do, no matter how much you want to, never say anything bad about them though to DS.

Hi all

just wanted to say thanks for your comments and advice, I did start to draft a chronology of events which has led to this situation in the hope that might clarify my thoughts.

But I realised half way through that its actually very simple and with your help I now know for sure that I am not being unreasonable and that as a parent I could never side against my own son in the way my father has towards me.

The point is that this guy rides rough shod over most peoples feelings and Im not the only one who finds him insulting.

I cant stop him from seeing DS as he is wealthy and would take me to court ( he has already supported my ex during our year long court battle). Unless I have proof I dont have a leg to stand on and they dont care about the mothers feelings, they would say it doesnt benefit DS not seeing his Grandfather ( even though he has a long history of alienating my half siblings against there own mum- they would never give evidence against him, although I know they are angry about the way he behaved).

My crime was to actually challange this man about some terribly hurtful comments he made about me to my ex partner and his responce was to tell me that I need psychatric help!.

I suppose I wanted him to apologise but rather than admit he had been caught out. Instead he teamed up with my ex in an attempt to teach me a so called lesson and to be "the winner!".

In the end it didnt work because the judge favoured me in every hearing anyway and all there assumtions about me trying to stop them seeing DS was proved to be nonsense.

In some ways I think they wanted me to create drama, lock myself in a bathroom, refuse to come out but I never did and that must really p....d them off.

To anyone out there being bullied by a parent dont be afraid to walk away, life is too short to have your life made miserable by the one person who you naturally trust from the moment you are born.

To have that trust snatched away is the worst thing in the world and Im sure my ex will find out soon enough that ganging up with a character like that only eats away at your soul!.

Pinky x