Son has gone to Uni, I can't stop crying

[AnnyR]

I know that this is rather pathetic and that I should get a life of my own! But my younger son has been such a friend for me over the last few years. My husband is disabled and our older son is too - so younger son has been a real support to me.

He went to Uni last September and came home for Christmas. I have been very lucky in that he Skypes every week and has a quick chat with me via Facebook on many days of the week too. We have just got back from visiting him for a few days (he's too far away to come home for a weekend). Now, I can't stop crying as I miss him so much.

I just don't know how to get over this. I can't "get a life" as I have been seriously ill since he left and have not been at work for months. Sorry to moan, but I didn't know where else to turn.

Yes, you can get a life. :) honestly, you can.

You wouldnt want your son to give up his opportunity and come home, nor would you want him to be worrying about you being so upset.

Do you have any help that gives you some respite so that you get some time to yourself, even if it is just to go swimming or even a wander round the shops one afternoon a week?

I'm very sorry to hear you are missing your son and support I'm sure he will always be there for you in years to come as he sounds a very caring young man In the meantime I agree with poster above about looking onto respite for you to have a break. Maybe you could join a support scheme etc resorts to the disabilities. Put glyph in touch with others going through the sane things.

Wishing you well

Anny I'm so sorry for you - have a hug!

I can't really say anything to make you feel better but it does ease off. I missed DS horribly when he went and can still sometimes cry now after talking on the phone or when I suddenly miss him but it does get easier.

You've obviously done a good job because you have raised a great young man from the sound of it and that's something I stop and think at times. It's a credit to them and to us as parents that they are out there managing well rather than lounging around at home doing nothing.

It won't be long until he's home again (and probably making a mess and driving you mad if anything like our house!)

Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks for answering, Squeakytoy. Of course I don't want my son to come home - I am so happy that he has settled in so well and that he is enjoying his time at Uni. He has no idea that I am struggling so much.

No, I don't get any help as we have no friends or family in this area and we have to live here for my work (when I can get back to it). I am the sole family breadwinner and so am also very worried that I am too ill to go back to work at the moment. I have been off since the beginning of November and am still too ill to return.

Perhaps too many worries are just piling up!

Thanks Booandpops and AimingforSerenity - kind of you to answer. There is no respite care around here as my husband and elder son are not classed as being severe enough. In fact, my husband has been really fantastic trying to support me through all of this, despite his own condition.

So sorry to moan on here www.mumsnet.com/te/8.gif

It sounds a very difficult and lonely situation. Is there no option at all to relocate to where your family are?

Sadly, we don't have many family members left and they are all scattered around the country. This area suits us for a few reasons - mainly my work - I am too old now to get another job easily. Also, elder son has some friends and activities here.

When I do finally retire, then we will think about moving, but I have no idea where. We fancy going near the sea!

I've never been in your position, but my brother tells me that my dad spent the first year I was at uni 'wandering from room to room, as if he expected to find you there'. My parents' lives were so much about me and my brother that they just didn't know what to do with themselves when we left. Now though, it is a completely different matter. They go away almost every weekend, have a much more exciting social life than mine and have just booked a trip of a lifetime holiday that I am sooo jealous of.

What I am trying to say is that there probably aren't any 'quick fixes'. You love your son and you miss him. Nothing 'pathetic' there! I'm sure it's a totally natural response. If he's anything like I was, he'll be missing you like mad too

I agree with the others: you can and will get a life of your own! You don't say what your illness is, but could you attempt anything at all where you would meet other people? A book club? A night class? Volunteering on a phone line? Reading at the local hospital? If going out really isn't possible, then are there online groups you could join?

Good luck.

Thanks jenga079 - I'm too ill to join anything outside the home. Unfortunately, I suffer from chronic cough and have also totally lost my voice! Not good for meeting and talking to people. So, thank goodness for the internet.

My husband does try to take me out - he can still drive although he can't walk very far. We can just about manage a short trip, which is nice. But I miss my work so much.

I just hope they can get the cough under control and get my voice back!

Hm, my 'reading' and 'phone line' ideas were way off the mark weren't they? Sorry!

I really do think it will all get easier in time. It sounds like you have a lovely partner and great kids so you just need some time to adjust to your son being away and get your voice back. I presume you're seeing your GP about that?

Is there any work you can do from home if that's what you're missing?

When my son went to University I cried for days. I felt like a part of me was missing. One day he was there his room a mess, him sitting at the PC, the next day he was gone and he would only ever come home for holidays and never live at home again.

It is sad, we spend 18 years of their lives bringing them up and one day off they go. Its like what is there now?

It gets easier. I got upset when he left to go back after Christmas too, I love having him home.

My youngest goes this year leaving me with no children at home then. What of me then? I have no idea.

aww that's sad

I have told dd she can go to uni, but only if I go too. She's also not allowed to date until she's 42. Failing that I think I'll sell up and take off myself lol

I think you will be ok, it's a huge change and it will take time to get used to it. I'd be so proud of my son going off to uni and he still keeps in touch quite a lot.

Anny gave good suggestions and what about an OU course? It will keep you busy and hopefully you can chat online with your tutor group. Maybe there are other people near you with the same disabilities looking for some support too. It makes a real difference if you can talk, even online, to someone who understands.

Sorry I meant to type Jenga, not Anny, it was Anny I was posting to!

I think i know how you feel.

When my children go on holiday with my ex I feel empty and devastated and I know at some point they are going to have independent lives from me.

And I just think how unhappy I'll be without them around.

I suppose time is a healer, hopefully for all us empty nesters, now and in the future. Good luck.

My youngest went last September (DS). I miss him so much

I cried most of the M62 home.

I know he is happy there though and enjoying it all.

Sometimes I sit on his bed for 20 mins, when I'm alone in the house.

This thread has nearly got me in tears.You are absolutely NBU.

Thanks everyone for your kind suggestions. I am sure that I will cope better in time and especially if I get better myself. Keeping my fingers crossed that the latest meds start to work!

DD went to uni last year and, maybe because her uni is nearer and she is much better at keeping in touch than DS or maybe just because I'd doone it before, I coped better.

DH and I are getting a life now and quite enjoying it. We both miss the DCs but can enjoy life while they're away too.

Sorry to hear about your voice Anny, this is just a thought. Have you been using any inhalers for your cough? I had total loss of voice a couple of years back, investigations showed "leukoplakia" (medic-speak meaning white patches) on my vocal cords. They changed my inhaler to one used through a volumatic and gave me an anti-fungal capsule in case it was candida and it did settle.

Wouldn't suggest moving too close to the sea, I live close and you wouldn't believe how far sand can blow!

I'm another one whose dd went last September - I felt bereft and very very lonely. We visited her during the October half term - I was reassured to see that she was making friends and had started a social life; nevertheless it was so difficult leaving her again. My sil said it must be more difficult for her than for me because she is the one on her own, while I still have my home, friends and job. True to an extent, I suppose.

I have no particular suggestions for your specific situation, Anny, but I have found that it does get easier (although I still miss her terribly, sometimes).

Before she went, I saved up some particular things to do to keep me busy - not all nice things (eg dentist) but things to keep me occupied. I also treated myself (well, the house) to some new curtains.

I feel just like so many here. One thing which helped a bit, and is positive, was from a Dad at DS's sports club, who said: "It's like your job is done, but you have succeeded if they have gone on to do something good and constructive, which should help them to make a success of their own life." So true... but sometimes it feels like a brutal severing.

Oh, and YANBU.

AimingForSerenity - yes, the voice issues are being investigated, thanks. It's just so frustrating as I am a really chatty person and now can hardly communicate!

Thanks also for your response, WhiteRose26. It did get a bit easier after Christmas, but is all stirred up again as we have just got back from a visit. I'm sure I will eventually get used to it all!

You many also be upset about the situation with both your husband and older son. Being a carer is a very difficult job and is exhausting, please don't under estimate this. Your local Social Services could assess you as a carer and provide you with a grant (this is not means tested at the present time). This grant is to support you as a carer and you can spend it to support/relieve you of your role. Carers use it in a variety of ways. Just a thought.

I'm another whose DD went in September and I felt exactly the same. No helped by the fact my DD who is so confident and capable in daily life found herself horrendously homesick:( It made it 100x worse knowing that she wasn't whooping it up but feeling desperately unhappy:(

However she coped and I said lots of reassuring things and she didn't know how much I just wanted to fetch her home and keep her! (She is too far away for weekend visits very often and is doing medicine so very busy schedule)

Fast forward to now.. she admitted at Xmas that if it wasn't medicine (very hard to get into) she would have left and come home but this term she HAS adjusted to to my surprise so have I. We skype but not every night any more.. I text her a 'Love you have a good day' every morning and she texts me back.. but we are getting used to being apart.

I think no one prepares us for how hard it is to let them go.. I have been shocked at how bereft I have felt and being unwell yourself must make it even harder:(

Hang in there.. it will get easier, and no matter what.. how fab is it that our young people are doing this.. becoming independent grown ups.. it means we have done a good job!

It's always difficult when your dcs finally leave home, even if you've encouraged their independence, as I did. Right now, ds1 is away on a two-year travel and work trip to the USA and New Zealand and I'd be untruthful if I said I wasn't missing him rather a lot. In fact, I'm crossing the Atlantic myself soon for a brief reunion. But I'm very lucky because life is good for me so that missing ds1 is tempered by my pleasure in knowing he's having a great adventure.

However, I can quite see how much harder it must be to cope with the absence of a ds when you don't feel well yourself and things at home are rather difficult. But as others have said, it will get easier and you will get used to your son being away from home. Certainly, I expect you will be able to cope much more readily when you regain your health.

YANBU I missed my son so much when he went and I have other children at home so can only imagine how much worse it is for you. Hope you start to feel better about it all soon x

Thanks so much to everyone who has contributed to this thread - feeling a bit better already :)