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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH is so picky at mealtimes with the kids.

36 replies

Fedupbeyondbelief · 24/02/2011 12:02

Am getting very fed up. DH is very picky with the kids at mealtimes. They are 9 and 7 and he is always going on at them to sit up, hold their cutlery properly, elbows off the table, cut their food, eat up etc etc. I find mealtimes very stressy now and try and get them to eat at different times to him. Weekends are worst. Sometimes I feel like getting up from the table and eating in the kitchen. They are not bad but this is getting me down.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 24/02/2011 12:04

That's a good thing isn't it? At 9 and 7 they should have table manners surely?

Original poster

Fedupbeyondbelief · 24/02/2011 12:06

Its the way he does it. I agree they should have good table manners. I think they do. DH came in from work last night and immediately started having a go at them both. Maybe it's just me then.

OP posts:

LeQueen · 24/02/2011 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 24/02/2011 12:15

They are more than old enough to behave like humans and not chimps at the table... I am on your DH's side here.

elmofan · 24/02/2011 12:19

Not just you , my Dh can be a bit like this (not quite as bad) . He tells them to eat quietly & close their mouths etc , if the dc's are eating anything crunchy eg crisps / apples this can start him off , i just tell him to relax a little . Could you have a word with your dh when dc's are in bed ? usually works for me , also i find it mostly happens when dh is stressed in work about something he will nitpick .

Callisto · 24/02/2011 12:19

It depends if he is bullying them or if they need to be told so he is reminding them.

DD (6) needs to be reminded to use her knife and fork and sit properly at most meal times. I would't want it to become constant nagging though.

Callisto · 24/02/2011 12:20

Also, if you're really fed up with it, why haven't you told him?

worraliberty · 24/02/2011 12:37

Not just you , my Dh can be a bit like this (not quite as bad) . He tells them to eat quietly & close their mouths etc

There is honestly nothing worse than a child (or anyone) hanging their mouths open whilst eating and making undue noises. It makes me feel sick. The amount of children well over the age of 5yrs that have sat at my dining table and made me think it was feeding time at the zoo, is unbelievable.

I hope you back your Dh up on this?

porpoisefull · 24/02/2011 12:43

If it's getting you down, talk to him! If there really is a problem with their table manners, could you get him to try a different approach, e.g. set simple rules for behaviour at the table and have some kind of reward afterwards if they meet them? That might address any problems without the nagging. (Disclaimer: I only have one 18 month old so know nothing about parenting older children).

solooovely · 24/02/2011 12:46

It sounds like it's a bit over the top to me and that it is turning mealtimes from something which should be enjoyable and nice family time together into something which is incrdibly stressful.

I had a slightly similar thing in that my children didn't use to eat much and my DH used to go on about it. Of course in that situation it just makes it worse. I found that the thing to do was to tell him that I wanted the children to grow up enjoying their food and meal times and I wanted it to be nice time together. He was totally happy to listen to my views on this although he had to keep being reminding of what we had agreed as he would slip back into his old ways. It had go to the stage where we all dreaded meal times!

So we chose a few things that we felt were important, not throwing food etc. (mine are younger) and how we would deal with other situations as they arose eg: child not eating - suggest they try their dinner once and then leave it up to them.

I think some of the replies so far have been over the top. Yes manners are important but they are children not robots!

pjmama · 24/02/2011 12:48

I'm with your DH on this I think (assuming his manner with them is not unduly aggressive or bullying of course). Good table manners are important and it's bloody frustrating to have to remind them constantly. You should be backing him up, the sooner they get it the sooner mealtimes will be more pleasant.

QuelleLeJeff · 24/02/2011 12:48

I get the feeling this isn't about manners really.

My ex did this, a constant picking up of any small infraction, and in the end mealtimes were just SHIT, we were all tense and just waiting for the snipping to start.

He was an utter bastard though.

BuzzLiteBeer · 24/02/2011 12:53

Theres a difference between teaching your children good manners and haraguing them to the point that your wife tries to keep them away from you, and I'm I don't think any of you agreeing with OP#s DH would actually put up with it.

solooovely · 24/02/2011 12:54

pjmama It's just nit picking though! There is no point in that.

Make the rules clear and then leave it at that. As long as they are trying to stick to them then it doesn't need mentioning every mealtime.

Original poster

Fedupbeyondbelief · 24/02/2011 12:56

I have told him a number of times. I am backing him up, but in a more pleasant tone. I'll speak to him again and to the kids to ram the message home.

OP posts:

elmofan · 24/02/2011 12:56

worraliberty My children don't eat with their mouths open (i would find that sickening too) but its the noise of their crunching crisps that seems to annoy dh {his father was the same when dh was a child & used to make dh & his siblings suck crisps until they were soft before biting them } Yes i back dh up but i often remind him later on when dc's are in bed that they are only children .

bupcakesandcunting · 24/02/2011 12:59

Mine does this and DS is only 3! And for a three year old he has excellent table manners, people have commented on it when we've been out to eat.

But unless DS sits naicely like Little Lord Fauntleroy ALL the way through dinner (and I'm talking about at home here) DH gets all medieval on him. I feel like telling him to choose his battles more carefully...

solooovely · 24/02/2011 12:59

I found that I was backing my DH up when really I didn't like it and thought it was extreme. Backing up is important but not if it means you children aren't being raised the way they would like.

Also, how can anyone object to the crunching of crisps and apples! They are crunchy!

exexpat · 24/02/2011 13:00

I can see how constant nit-picking would make mealtimes a misery (and probably make the DCs start to act up in defiance).

Could you have a chat with DH and say you think it's being counter-productive, and try something like a sticker chart to reward them for sticking to, for example, three basic rules of table manners - anyone who gets 7 stickers in a row gets a small reward or whatever.

But it sounds to me like he's probably just coming home with all the tiredness and stress from work or other things and taking it out on them. I know I start picking the children up on things more when I've got other things on my mind...

tyzer2001 · 24/02/2011 13:01

My father was like this at mealtimes and it stressed my mother so much that she resorted to me having my meal in the kitchen on my own. (only child).

Sadly, at 7-ish I didn't realise she did this so he wouldn't go on at me. I thought it was because I wasn't welcome at the table.

Anyway, I am equally hot on table manners now (although currently we don't have a table to eat at in out tiny house). Bad table manners appall me, and it's especially important to rememeber that kids aren't taught them at school the way we were (five kids at each table and one teacher or dinner lady), these days they tend to sit in long rows and arent closely supervised. Heck, at my DS' primary school they did't even use plates - they had a moulded plastic tray with a hollow for the main meal, a hollow for the dessert and a hole for the cup to fit into! How on earth are they supposed to learn to eat nicely without a proper plate!

I suppose what i am trying to say is that table manners are massively important and perhaps you're focussing too much on your Dh's attitude and not really looking at how the Dc's are behaving?

GloriaSmut · 24/02/2011 13:05

The reasonability, or otherwise, depends on how the OP's DH tackles the children. For an otherwise liberal parent, I was very hot on good manners and, in particular, table manners. I detest watching people trough down their food and wasn't about to allow my dcs to behave disgustingly at the table. So yes, I did remind them of what was expected and no, I didn't allow bad manners to creep in rather than say nothing.

But for all the above, there are ways to encourage good table manners that don't involve mealtimes becoming stressful and unpleasant since that just becomes counter-productive. During the time I was unhappily (and bafflingly) married to their step-father, my dcs dreaded all meals eaten in his company since he nitpicked constantly whether or not anyone had committed a breach of good manners. I still recall ds2 (then aged 10) putting his knife and fork down (tidily without clattering!!!) to say "You obviously want an argument with us so shall we get on and have it now before the rest of the meal is ruined?".

I'd be inclined, if I were the OP, to suggest to her DH that while she supports her DH's objectives, there needs to be some sort of happy medium that allows everyone to enjoy a family meal. Because building up a dread of sitting at the table in adult company isn't a good lesson to learn either.

Original poster

Fedupbeyondbelief · 24/02/2011 13:06

I agree that table manners are important. The kids are, on the whole, pretty good. What I find so difficult is DH having a go constantly, when I think they are trying to do it right. I like what you've suggested exepat and will give that a go. I know that all our lives are stressful, but that isn't an excuse to take it out on the kids.

OP posts:

oprahfan · 24/02/2011 13:07

ooh dear Fedup...............this could be our household as well. Understand about it getting stressy, my OH was taught not to talk at the table during meals as well!!!!!!!! Not like that in our house, I try to make meals as enjoyable as possible, but OH always going on about eating with mouth open, eating what is on their plate, etc, it stresses DS1 no end!

I really agree that a small,light-hearted chat after the kiddiewinkles have gone to bed is a super idea, meal-times should be pleasant, and we all want well-mannered children, but you're getting stressed too!!! constant nit-picking does get you down, maybe your OH doesn't realise he's doing it.

If all else fails, put OH's dinner outside in the back garden, then lock the door behind him after he goes to fetch it. Dinner times will be pleasant again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Inertia · 24/02/2011 13:10

I agree that at 9 and 7 children should be able to eat using appropriate table manners. However, I disagree with what your husband is doing. Firstly, it's bad manners in itself to constantly harangue other people about how they eat. Teaching your children good manners - great ; making everybody's mealtime thoroughly unpleasant is not on. Secondly, his methods are clearly not working if he's on at them all the time- either they have tuned out, or he is looking out for things to pick on. I think that you could try, as a family, to establish ground rules for acceptable table manners - discuss it while you are not actually eating though.

Original poster

Fedupbeyondbelief · 24/02/2011 13:11

oprahfan

OP posts:

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