Mother in law issues

[Jothegreek]

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet and would appreciate some advice/opinions for dealing with my MIL, who I will say from the start is really nice but we have a few 'issues'...
She is becoming more & more vocal in her opinions and frequently undermines me. We have 2 kids, DD nearly 7, DS nearly 4. MIL's mum and aunt live her and they leave all manner of medication strewn around the house, never thinking that one of the kids could come to harm. MIL has been burgled but still insists it ok to leave her front door unlocked so that anyone can open it from the outside and the handle on the inside is low so the kids can open the door and escape if they so wish. When my DD was 2 months old, MIL thought it perfectly acceptable when babysitting to leave DD downstairs asleep with a key in the door lock so we could get in, whilst she snored upstairs... She overfeeds the kids (6 fish fingers to a 2 yr old!) and looks offended when I try to remind her about portion control! Whilst I write this I realise that it may sound ungrateful, she helps us once a week with school/nursery runs and generally babysits whenever we ask her to. DH doesn't make matters better, he frequently drafts her in to help when he should be coping himself but that's another matter... We're off on a weekend away and are taking MIL. I'm already playing the inevitable scenes over in my head, she wants to decide what we all eat, she'll give the kids ginormus slabs of flapjacks without asking us first, insist it's ok to take DS into the pool when he's got a hacking cough and ear ache. Really sorry for ranting. I'm terrible at confrontation and would appreciate advice on how to deal with this without falling out with MIL!! Thanks x

I'm not sure you can.

You've tried to gently get her 'on side' as it were, and that's failed.

I think you need to choose - accept it or tell her

and accept that if you tell her, she may decide to withdraw her practical help, so it's really accept it and keep the childcare, or tell her straight and accept you may need to make alternative arrangements.

Really, it would be better for your husband to sit down with her and tell her. But to do that, he needs to be feeling the same way you do - does he?

It's not always possible to tell someone how you feel and get them to change to do things how you want them to. Sometimes that brings conflict.

You have to decide what matters more to you - avoiding conflict or having her do things how you would like her to do them.

Or maybe you could accept those things she does that are really not harmful in any way, just not how you would do them, and only address any safety issues?

I think you might have left it too late to do anything other than directly tell her.

Take it in turns to decide what to eat.

You decide on portion control for your children.

Do not let her take an ill child swimming.

But there are some things such as a big flapjack as a holiday treat that you need to let go do to the amount she does for you.

Which I assume is why you are taking her-as a thank you.

I think that picking battles is the best way to go. What are your non-negotiables? For me it would be the unlocked door and the pills lying around. Can you talk to your DH and both of you present a united front to MIL - she may well be more likely to listen if her DS is also saying the same thing.

If other things aren't so crucial but you bundle them all up, you can undermine the more serious stuff. Good luck!

"they leave all manner of medication strewn around the house, never thinking that one of the kids could come to harm. MIL has been burgled but still insists it ok to leave her front door unlocked so that anyone can open it from the outside and the handle on the inside is low so the kids can open the door and escape if they so wish."

I think you and I have the same MIL!!

"What are your non-negotiables? For me it would be the unlocked door and the pills lying around."

Definitely agree with that!

Yes for me it's the safety stuff - I would overlook the big portions & treats as it's not as though she is feeding them everyday. (yes it's annoying, but not a hanging offence!)

When it comes to safety though, I don't care about what the inlaws think of me - I won't let things go unsaid if I think it may put my DC in any danger.

Also, if you present the issues you have to your DH as worry for your DCs safety, rather than a general dig at his DM then hopefully he will stick up for you.

"they leave all manner of medication strewn around the house, never thinking that one of the kids could come to harm. MIL has been burgled but still insists it ok to leave her front door unlocked so that anyone can open it from the outside and the handle on the inside is low so the kids can open the door and escape if they so wish."

I think you and I have the same MIL!!

I think the three of us have the same MIL. She also left my 18 month old alone in the front garden (no fence, straight onto pavement) while she 'popped in the use the loo'. It was the first time she's looked after DS on her own and I just happened to drive up from my dentist appointment and saw DS toddling down the road. MIL said I was making a fuss as nothing could have happened in such a quiet village.

That was a deal breaker for me and I think you will have to have an honest chat with your MIL. It's horrible and she will probably be totally offended but you have to put your children first and if she wants to be a part of their lives then she has to respect your feelings and try to understand your concerns. It's been a long time coming but we now have a much better relationship though she still push it sometimes and I just pick my battles.