Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To not lend/give my friend any more cash?

16 replies

SeeJaneKick · 24/02/2011 07:58

She's a lovely and old friend but it's getting out of hand.

She has three children and a DH who is the Father of her two youngest children. Her oldest child is 12 and the Dad of this one (her ex) is crappy..he gives money towards her only when he feels like it (nt often) and though he maintains regular contact he won't keep a job for long ever....so isn't reliable.

My friends DH is employed and earns decent-ish cash...but my mate does not work (in training) and so relies on him for money...she won't ask her DH for money directly to buy her 12 year old things she needs..."It's not his job to pay for her"

I feel very about this view...he married my mate and had a family with her...he knew her ex was crap...did he expect her oldest child to wear rags whilst he payed ony for his own DC? And WHY did my mate accept these terms?

I dont want to challenge or quiz her on their cash arrangement too much...but I am not the only person who she asks for money....other friends have told me they're sick of it too.

Sometimes she gives it back and sometimes not...its not large sums....usually twenty pounds etc...but it can't go on can it?

I don't mind the money...but I do mind the fact that her child is treated differently and despite my mate beng lovely I hate the fact that she ha allowed her DH to make this into a "normal" thing....isn't it usual for a step Dad to conribute to his partners children if they all share a home?

She phoned me yesterday to ask if I could loan her some money towards new shoes for her DD....I said I would...but it's not on is it?

She is SUCH a good friend though...very lovely and giving...how can I say no when her DH is obviously not seeing that HE has a part to play in his step daughters upbringing??

OP posts:

ginmakesitallok · 24/02/2011 08:03

No advice on how to say it nicely but - if it's not her DHs job to pay for her DD then it's certainly not yours... She needs to talk about this with her DH

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 24/02/2011 08:07

How well do you know her dh? Is she afraid to challenge him? Womans aid class money control as a form of abuse us that how it seems to you?

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 24/02/2011 08:08

Btw yanbu

Original poster

SeeJaneKick · 24/02/2011 08:19

I don't know him well at all...he is quiet and reasonable seeming. He doesn't socialise like her...she's very gregarious and he does his own thing.

Sh just says "I don't like asking him"

What do I say next time?

OP posts:

Original poster

SeeJaneKick · 24/02/2011 08:21

I don't expect the DH to provide because the ex wil not...but I would expect him to give something....it seems weird to me. I have 2 DC and couldn't imagine living with a man who would not contribute.

OP posts:

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 24/02/2011 08:27

You can refuse without suggesting her dh is a bastard. Simply say no. I know that's harder said than done but if you want you can come up with excuses or use other words than no ( I'm not able to help anymore).

If youwant to try and find out more/ see if everything is ok then a girly night at yours and a chat might help you understand more. Starting to chat about the ex and moving onto why she doesn't like to ask dh for money.

izzybiz · 24/02/2011 08:28

My Dh is not my Ds1's dad, but since he moved in with us he has provided for him.

Not so much provided at fist, but he'd always buy him things if he needed them and help pay the bills in our home.

When we had our own child it changed, Dh had to provide for all of us as I was home with the baby, he has done ever since.

Ds1 and I came as a package, you want me, you get him too!

I find your friends situation very odd and feel very sorry for her Dd, how must she feel being treated differently?

YANBU- Maybe if everyone stopped lending money she'd have to have a conversation with her Dh.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 24/02/2011 08:29

It could turn out that he thinks the ex is giving money, seeing as she borrows and sometimes pays back she would surely have to explain where items have co
e from? Maybe he would want to takes things further with the ex if he knew he wasn't providing?

JennaTailor · 24/02/2011 09:33

Maybe it is your friend and not her OH that has this view?? My son (20) is not my partners (of 10 yrs) - although we do have a much younger son together.

In my head it is my responsibility to provide for my son and not my OH's. The situation is different though as i am financially independent.

I have never spoken about this with my OH but i would guess that he doesn't share my view.

corygal · 24/02/2011 09:43

Are you sure she's really using the money for her DD? Could it be an effective line to make sure she gets the funds?

YANBU. Even if your friend is spending every penny on her DD it's still an unusual way to support her children. The poor DD!

You don't need to give her money, either way. Poor you.

Babieseverywhere · 24/02/2011 09:52

she won't ask her DH for money directly to buy her 12 year old things she needs..."It's not his job to pay for her"

Nor is it her friends (i.e. OP's) job to pay for her daughter either.

If he actually said/thought that, then he is a thoughtless nob at the very least.

Like OP I feel more for the child in question.

fedupofnamechanging · 24/02/2011 09:58

Personally, I think that if you marry someone who has a child, then they are a package deal and you need to treat that child as if it was your own. If a person can't manage to do that then they have no business getting involved with someone who has a child. A responsible mother (or father) would make sure of this before bringing a new partner into their family.

This situation with your friend cannot continue. Her 12 year old is going to need financial support for a long time yet. In your position I would bite the bullet and ask her outright about her relationship with her DH and his obligation to her child. I would also encourage her to take some formal action wrt her ex, who also has an obligation here that he is failing to meet.

A true friendship will survive an awkward conversation. You can't always avoid difficult subjects or the relationship is that of an aquaintance, rather than a friend.

Your friend might be desperate to talk to someone. All I can really add is that by giving her money, you and your other friends are 'normalising' the behaviour of her current DH and saying it is usual or okay for him not to contribute.

superv1xen · 24/02/2011 10:03

YANBU!

but the issue here is that her "D"H seems to be treating his non-bio child differently :(

nufsed · 24/02/2011 11:37

'In your position I would bite the bullet and ask her outright about her relationship with her DH and his obligation to her child.'

I have to agree with karma here. When I got together with the current Mr Nuf I received nothing from DDs father and also thought it was not new DHs job to pay for her. When I told DH I was going to speak to ex about contributing he said not to as we were a family now and would manage perfectly well without him.

You need to know if your friend has had the conversation with her DH.

FantasticDay · 24/02/2011 11:49

"Sorry. We're just really skint at the moment."

starfishmummy · 24/02/2011 11:53

So if she doesn't work and her ex hardly ever gives her any money and she doesnt ask her DH for money for this child how does she pay you back?? Come to think of it how does she even feed this child?

Flip