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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think I might have been a bit of a nobhead...

26 replies

bupcakesandcunting · 23/02/2011 22:15

Took DS to the ThinkTank in Birmingham today (he is 3) He was playing at this water activity station, minding his own business pushing a boat along and a boy (about 5 I reckon) came along and snatched the boat out of DS's hands. I heard DS ask for it back so I started to make my way round to see what was happening. By this time, the other kid had whacked DS on the bonce with the boat, DS was really sobbing and saying "that little girl smacked my head". The boy was with his brother, who I'd noticed screaming in the face of other kids earlier. The elder one screamed RIGHT in the face of DS "HE'S A BOY NOT A GIRL, STUPID" (both boys had long hair, DS didn't realise they were boys Blush) I scooped DS and went and sat on a bench with him to calm him down.

Then the mum of the two boys came over saying "what happened?" I said to her that one of her boys had shouted at mine and made himk really jump and I carried on trying to see to DS. She carried on standing behind me saying stuff but it was so loud I couldn't hear. I turned back to face her but really wasn't giving her my full attention as DS was still blarting for Britain. She said something about autism, but I don't know what and asked me if I wanted her to make her boys apologise. Well, I don't want anyone to be forced to apologise as I think it's hollow and humiliating, so I told her to forget it.

But then I thought of all the MNers on here who get treated like twats when their autistic DC's unwittingly upset someone else. I keep thinking that because I didn't let them apologise, I might have left that mum feeling like a nobber. Wasn't my intention, it just all happened so fast and DS was wailing, I just wanted to make him stop... Can't help feeling like a moron though.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 23/02/2011 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 23/02/2011 22:18

Sounds like you did what you needed to do - calm your crying child down.

Give yourself a break.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 23/02/2011 22:20

I do think I'm over-thinking it.

I am guilty of the "What Would Mumsnet Say?" syndrome :(

OP posts:
twinkytonk · 23/02/2011 22:24

I was going to say you are over-thinking it (says she who over- thinks everything).

I wouldn't worry about it now you were concentrating on your DS.

Ismene · 23/02/2011 22:27

You are overthinking it, getting whacked over the head is not getting unwittingly upset, you did the right thing IMHO, you didn't cause a scene, you didn't chastise the other boys, you comforted your own DS.

yogididabooboo · 23/02/2011 22:27

Dont worry.

Mum will have been in this situation before no doubt and will probably be kicking herself for not being nearer her DS.

If the boy was autistic it would have been difficult foir her to get him to apologise and as you say, would have meant nothing to the boy and i doubt to your ds either.

You looked after your son, that is your only job. Don't fret about it.

Pancakeflipper · 23/02/2011 22:28

She's probably giving herself a hard time over this. You are giving yourself a hard time over this.

You both have your own kids interests at heart (well you have to - that's what good mums do).

So stop it. Accept it was messy little incident. But no harm done really. You cannot speak to the other mother so stop dwelling on it. And move along ... possibly to another nobhead incident tomorrow....

TheSleepFairy · 23/02/2011 22:32

I think you handled it really well, don't know what I would have done if an older child thwacked DD around the head with a plastic boat!!!

FooffyShmoofffer · 23/02/2011 22:33

Aw Bupcakes don't screw your head up over this. You tended to your child. In the grand scheme of things that's all that needed doing.

Not a nobhead at all.
You are only ever a nobhead on hereGrin That's why we love you.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 23/02/2011 22:35

Well, SleepFairy Blush I meant to say in my OP (not drip-feeding, honest) that as I picked DS up, I did say to him "Sorry DS, but some children just don't play very nicely" within earshot Blush

But really only because I'd noticed the same boy screaming in the faces of others. If it had just been my boy I'd have put it down to a one-off but my feathers were ruffled already...

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 23/02/2011 22:36

You want some, Fooffy?

OP posts:
FooffyShmoofffer · 23/02/2011 23:02

No but, no but we loooove you. (nobheadery not withstanding).

I totally understand though. If that was me I would have been sat at home constructing scenarios as to how I could have handled it better.

curlymama · 23/02/2011 23:07

Why would she ask you if her children needed to apologise? If mine (ds1 has AS) need to make an apology, then I make them do it regardless of what anyone else says.

You did nothing wrong, and she shouldn't have had to ask you.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 23/02/2011 23:09

Well yes. I would march DS over and make him shit his pants apologise of he'd thwacked another kid. But that's just me. Not all parents have a handle on their kid's and if she's got two autistic DS's I can bloody well understand why.

I'm overthinking it.

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 23/02/2011 23:10

Apologies for the grocer's apostrophe Blush

OP posts:
Bumperlicious · 23/02/2011 23:12

Aww, I know that feeling. I've never forgiven myself for nearly causing an accident. I turned right at traffic lights without waiting for the filter arrow. You can go without the arrow as long as the road is clear but I wasn't paying attention and blithely drove across, heard a screech and looked in my review mirror to see a car had had to break sharply due to my stupidity. I wanted to get out of the car and apologies but I'd gone to far at that point but I still feel bad to this day, as I know if the situation were reversed I would have been really shaken up.

I'm sure the other mum hasn't given it a second though. Everyone is dealing with half term craziness!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 23/02/2011 23:13

I'm sorry but the mother should have been close enough to manage her children's behaviour.

when you have autistic children and they are agressive or have challenging behaviour, or there are safety issues, then you have GOT to be on top of them.

So she was at fault and she let those boys down by allowing them to be in a situation where they were able to behave like that.

It does make me cross when vulnerable children are put into situations like that because their parents are not on the ball. It's hard, I know it is, but you have got to stay on top of it or you are letting them down.

The world does not care about their problems - not you, op, I realise you feel bad, I mean generally people aren't that bothered and won't excuse what they see as 'bad' behaviour. That's why you have to be there to filter it, to be a buffer if you like.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 23/02/2011 23:16

Hecate, MIL who was with me said the same, that the two boys had been terrorising most of the kids there and the mother was nowhere to be seen... I don't think it gives me carte blanche to be a dismissive nobber though

DS is generally very placid and gentle so he wouldn't lash out. What if he wasn't though? The way those boys were acting, it could have ended up badly for them :(

Bah, I'm just feeling sensitive today. Hmmmmm....

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 23/02/2011 23:18

No, it doesn't. but no parent is going to be super reasonable when their own child has been injured or upset.

Those children were badly let down by whoever it was who was supposed to be supervising them.

My own children are autistic. I know that you have got to be on top of things and you have GOT to stay close in order to manage behaviours. If you don't do that, you are failing your children.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 23/02/2011 23:20

That's kind of what I suspected but didn't want to say in case I got lynched. I suppose I sort of hoped she was reading this just so I could let her know I didn't mean to be dismissive.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 23/02/2011 23:20

why would YOU feel like a moron???

your ds was hurt! she is the one who ought to be feeling bad about it, not you

and i say this as someone who's son is very likely to be diagnosed with ASD!
if her sons are liable to lash out at other children then she should have been supervising them

autism may be an explanation for bad behaviour, but it's not an excuse for it

thisisyesterday · 23/02/2011 23:23

and i don't think that saying to her to forget it is dismissive either. you aren't there to parent her children... she is
if she feels they need to be made to apologise she should have just done it. you don't owe her anyrthing

wellwisher · 23/02/2011 23:33

I think the other mother is unreasonable for letting her boys have long hair Hmm

Mists · 24/02/2011 00:57

Are you serious wellwisher?

Google haircuts and autism. It isn't uncommon for the sensory integration issues to lead to unusual looks in children with special needs whether it is hair, teeth, weight, dress-sense, whatever.

My DS is three and we have seen no improvement in his response to this despite repeated efforts.

Photographs of the hairdressers made into a lovely laminated book, watching his favourite television programmes featuring haircuts, going in to the bloody place three times a week to become familiar with the people, the input of a specialist family support worker...

It's still a nightmare for all concerned and he needs three people to pin him down if he is to be made to look acceptable Hmm

Bupcakes don't worry about it at all. Agree with Hecate - the other children should have been more closely supervised.

MadamDeathstare · 24/02/2011 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.