AIBU to not want a relationship with my sisters

[Lucy88]

Be warned this is quite long.

I have a brother and 2 sisters. Always been close to my sisters, but not my brother.

He split up from his wife when his kids were little and to cut a long story short, he admitted to us all that they split up because he sexually abused his daughter when she was 4. My family seemed to think that it was a daft mistake he made and he should be forgiven. However, they needed to know that he also did it to me when I was 9. I told him that he should own up to what he did or I would tell them. I didn't want our family thinking what he did was a one-off.

Anyway, 1 of my sisters was supportive of me to start with, the other one did her best to avoid the subject. After all these years, I was quite glad it was out in the open and I went for counselling. Found the counselling fantastic and feel like I have finally dealt with it. (Its been locked away for years festering). Anyway, I talked with the Counsellor about my families reaction to it all and she did warn me that there may be issues further down the line that I would have to deal with, dependant on the relationship my family continued to have/or not with my brother.

Both my sisters have continued to have a relationship with him, although he does not live close and it only bothered me recently. One of my sisters (who lives abroad) offered him her house to live in (in the UK) - did it on Facebook, so I ended up seeing it. I wasn't hugely impressed, as her house is on a new estate that is full of young children. She has also told me that they are going on holiday together.

My other sister does at least try to hide the fact that she still has a relationship with him, but has admitted to going to see him when he vists our parents. When I asked her if she ever leaves her 3 year old son in the same room as him, she responded by saying - 'Of course, he has only ever abused girls'!!!

Anyway, again to cut a long story short, I have now decided that I cannot continue a relationship with either of them, whilst they choose to carry on a relationship with someone who has abused 2 children. I am gobsmacked by their total lack of support for me, as their sister. If he had abused one of them, I would have chopped his bits off and made him eat them and would never have had anything to do with him again. AIBU to have expected the same support from them?

YABU to try and interfer with your sisters relationship with your brother, although I don't blame you for not wanting to have anything to do with him.

YANBU but at the moment I am so gobsmacked by your sisters that I am struggling to find the words to express myself.

Perhaps they haven't faced up to the reality of what he has done otherwise how could you not be sickened by his actions? I really am completely stunned but much love to you and well done for being so strong.

omg, you are so not BU. Where is there the sister bond. I would walk away and carry on your life without your sick sibling. Whatever they decide they will have to deal with the repurcussions.

If you want to cut them off, then cut them off, you have every reason to. You can't control who they have a relationship with but you can control who you have a relationship with. I hope he spent time in jail

IM sorry but Im gobsmacked not one of you has reported him to the police.

Why the fuck has anybody not reported this man to the police?

I fell out with my brother to the extent that we don't see each other anymore over far less than your situation.

YANBU

YANBU. It amazes me how people can brush this kind of thing under the carpet. It's just so devastating to people who have experienced this kind of abuse.

I've had a similar situation in my family but I was not the one that was abused. However, not only can I not tolerate this man but I also cannot have a relationship with any family member who supports him in any way (although I'm the only family member that feels this way). You are so NBU for hoping that your sisters would support you!

I support the abuse victims in my family not the abuser and all his followers. Cut the contact asap. You deserve better!

YANBU. They should be shocked and upset for you! He should be on a Sex Offenders list. I can't understand why your sisters feel this is no big deal. A "daft mistake"! He sexually abused his sister and his daughter!

I think you're right to put some distance between them and you, and let them know exactly why. How can they not care about the trauma he has caused your niece, you, and his ex? There may be other victims he has not admitted to, that your family don't know about. What do your parents say about it?

I am so on your and your niece's behalf!

YANBU - your family should have shown you more support over this matter, it clearly wasn't a 'one off' incident involving you but he went on to abuse his own child!

It sounds to me like your family are in denial regarding your brothers paedophilic tendencies - I hope he was reported and is signing the sex offenders register, if he wasn't then I think you should do the right thing and make a complaint against him although I realise it will open up a huge can of worms - any child that he comes into contact in future needs to be protected

Lucy have you or his ex wife reported him to the police? He is a danger to other children and unless he is reported he is able to abuse again...

YANBU I would have nothing to do with them either

Unfortunately it sounds like they are lying to themselves by thinking up ridiculous reasons to justify his behaviour, or by denying it ever happened.

Maybe when he does it again they will realise.

YANBU .Omg ! . im disgusted at your sisters attitude , and your parents.

Im so sorry you suffered this way.

Thank you so much to all of you who have responded. I questioned myself over and over for the last few weeks as to my relationship with my sisters and do I actually have the right to think they should support me over this. One of my sisters has actually said to me that she won't take sides.

When he abused his daughter, his ex-wife didn't want anyone to know. I am not sure why, but we are not close and she has always kept her distance from us. When it all came out, I told him that he must go to the Doctors and ask for some help, because he was clearly in need of some, to do what he did. He did go to the Doctors and because he admitted what he did to the Dr, he had to inform the police. The police apparently arrested him, put him on bail and took his pc away for examination. One of my sisters told me about it and to warn me that the police may want to speak to me. I have never heard anything from them.

I talked to my Counsellor about whether I should report him or not and she said that was my choice, however it was so long ago and my memory of what happened is not 'spot on', it would be a difficult case to bring to court. She said that if his ex-wife supported me and we could bring a case together there would be a very good chance he would be punished. She has made it very clear (in a polite way) that she wants nothing to do with any of us. When she found out my Neice had added me to her Facebook, she made her delete her account.

It is easier said than done, to report him - I am not sure that I am ready for that and like I said, I am clear on some things that happened, bit not all of it. I was only 9 and that is 33 years ago now.

My Dad died quite a few years ago and my Mum suffers from sever mental health problems. She still see's him and is in complete denial about it. I don't worry too much about my Mum and her relationship with him as I don't see much of her. The only person who I feel has actually supported me and been there for me, is my step-dad. I know what his views are about my brother, but he has to put up with seeing hi a few times a year as he comes to visit my Mum.

I suppose, I just wanted to get others views as to whether I was being unreasonable to want my sisters support and I am grateful that most of you have confirmed that I am not being 'silly'.

One of my sisters thinks I 'really need to get over it and go and get some help to sort out my anger issues' I had a chuckle at that one, as I am pretty laid back and one of the most 'together' people you could wish to meet. Bless her, this is sister who reminds everyone, at every opportunity that we all have to be there for her, as she had cancer 5 years ago.

I feel a bit sad that it has all come to this, but I spend my time concentrating on me and my gorgeous DS. I have an amazing job, fantastic friends, me and DS have loads of fun and have some wonderful holidays together and there is no way that any of my family will ever drag me down.

Maybe one day, I will allow all that to temporarily crash to the ground and take my nonce of a brother to court. Until I make that decision, I'l carry on living my life in a really positive way for me and my DS.

Chuckle? Blimey, I would find it hard to chuckle at that tbh OP.

YANBU and denial in family members is very common when incest is uncovered within the family, which is why your counsellor warned you about it. S/he is also bound professionally to not offer you advice re reporting your brother.

You could look on the many incest survivors forums to see that you are far from alone in having family members insist on closing their eyes and ears in cases of incest, plus find some support groups if that is appropriate for you - there are many around. It is also likely that the incest in your family didn't start with your brother and may have been around before.

I'm glad to hear you have found a good counsellor and that life is good for you on many levels.

You sound very amazing and strong.

About the police - the thing is, it does seem important that you report it as he is a danger to other children. Does your sil
Know about your abuse? If not, maybe it would be an idea to tell her and discuss going to the police?

He is a danger to children and I fear he will do this to other kids, given his history, he is unlikely to stop unless he is stopped - sorry to add this thought to you but it is worrying to know he has done this to you and his daughter and it still out there and a danger to children.

Good luck OP x

YaNBU- I have cut contact with all my family except a little contact from my brothers due to a similar situation (step-father). You need some distance away from them. I can completely understand your pain at your sisters still having contact with him and choosing him over you. Like you have said, it is not so easy to report this behaviour at all.

My best advice is cut contact - they have no positive influence in your life and will cause you nothing but grief and upset. They haven't treated you as someone they love at all. Put yourself first now. It will be hard, I feel like an orphan now, but you have to do it for your own sanity. Goodluck

You could go to the police and ask to talk to someone for advice on this. They are there to help you, not to put obstacles in your way.

I agree with MissyKlo and think it is "important that you report it as he is a danger to other children".

I think it needs reporting tbh.

I suppose what your sisters do is up to them and if you feel that you cant continue to have a relationship with them then dont.

Why they want anything to do with someone who has admitted abusing his own daughter is beyond me, though.

How many years were there between his abuse of you and your niece.

Is he restricted in where he can work or live.

Have there been any sanctions placed on him at all.

Sorry about the lack of punctuation but I dont seem able to post when I use it.

I think you should go to the police. THey need to know that it is more than a one off (not that that should make any difference, once being far more than enough - but as it was his wife, and nothing ever came of it, perhaps he convinced them it was part of a domestic?) Anyway. Even if he isn't convicted, don't CRB do that thing where they send a seperate envelope detailing information not actually on an official record?

The thing is, its only 2 that you know of he has abused. There could be more, he's hardly likely to admit it.

YANBU. I cannot get over your sisters reactions at all. But then there are people in families who are like this wrt to abuse. At least you have other people in your life if you do want to cut them off, and you are totally justified in doing so.

My grandad abused my aunt, she admitted she would never leave her DD alone in a room with him but she still visited him as she was hoping to be left something in his will , she wasn't and never would be, he didn't give a damn about his family. When I found out, I didn't see him again but I only ever met him about twice in my life anyway. Luckily the wanker became paralysed and died a good few years ago, couldn't have happened to a 'nicer' man, he was a bastard to my nan.

My MIL was also abused by her dad, didn't stop her seeing him or her children. I asked DH once how he can talk about his grandad like he does (occasionally says "oh me and my grandad used to do such and such", not very often though) and he says he didn't know until he was older he hasn't associated him with what he did to his mum. His nan apparently ignored what had happened.

I was also abused by my dads exP's new BF. He is now friends with my sister on FB but I'm not sure if she knows what happened. She was younger and I don't want to bring it up tbh. I want to tell her so she can defriend him but I don't want to bring it all out again and I'm afraid of her reacting the way other people do, plus I was 15 and I'm not entirely sure that other people see it as abuse IYSWIM.

I just don't get why familes do this.