to suggest to ex-h that he does not have free access to my house 12 months after we've split up?

[QueenOfLists]

I split with ex-h a year ago - I stayed in the house while he rented a flat about 5 minutes away. We have a 3yo dd and ex-h looks after her a couple of days a week while I'm at work. To keep the peace and make the split as pain-free as possible, I agreed that he could look after dd here rather than take her to his flat. Also that he could come round before I went to work so that we didn't have to wake dd up early (she usually wakes after I leave). He has a key and lets himself in in the mornings (he does knock at other times).

I do think it suits him - he doesn't have to buy food for dd because he uses what's in my fridge for her breakfast/lunch, plus he can leave all her toys here so they are not cluttering up his flat. He also gets to read my newspapers (I know that sounds petty but it bugs me!), watch my TV, fall asleep on my sofa (although he does that less now as he can't persuade dd to have a nap), even use my phone/computer (he usually asks first).

In return he does 'little jobs' around the house - actually that irritates me, as he's a control freak and I don't like being tidied up after - but again, I've not said anything because I don't want to have a row about it. He also occasionally mows the lawn in the summer - although only if I've not got round to it, and I'll admit that does sometimes save me a job, although I never expect him to do it and I'm happy to do it all myself.

Anyway, apart from the odd lawn-mowing, I've never really felt comfortable with him having such access, but like I said, I just wanted to keep the peace and be reasonable. I spent a long time biting my tongue and walking on eggshells when we were married and even now we've split up I'm still doing the same for fear of having a massive row and I don't feel as though he's properly moved out.

I'm now in the process of buying ex-h out of his share of the house, and he's in the process of buying a flat (not the one he's renting) about 10 minutes away. Would I be unreasonable to suggest that when we've both got our own homes that belong to each of us, that when we're looking after dd we do so in our own homes? And should I ask for the key back?

It would mean on the days that I work that either ex-h has her to stay over the nights before, or I go into work later after she's woken up - I currently leave at 7 and get back at 5 to miss the traffic but I could just as easily leave at a bit before 8 and get back at a bit after 6 - though that would mean ex-h giving her her tea.

YANBU. I couldn't think of anything worse than an ex having free access to my house.

I think that sounds like a good idea and itvwill be good for dd to stay over at daddy's, will give you an evening free too!

I think you've been remarkaly adult in all this. I would not like my DH to have free access to the house in the event we split up.
Y would not BU to ask him to adapt the plan you've outlined.
Good luck.

QOL's yes, I think that's a good idea. Once you have your own homes treat them as such.

My exh is far too familiar in my house and it really winds me up.

Thanks - sometimes it's difficult to know what's reasonable when you're in the middle of it, but that's reassuring!

YANBU it's great that although he irritates you the split has been fairly friendly, but it'll probably be better for your DD for things to be seperate as less comfusion for her.

If you haven't yet bought him out then the house still belongs to both of you at the moment, but once the deeds are transferred it's up to you how much access you give him.
I have a key to my exe's house but only go there with his knowledge and only to benefit the kids. Now the kids are older he could take back my key, but I suspect he doesn't as the kids tend to forget keys. The only stuff I help myself to in the house is tea and coffee and then only if he is delayed when taking kids back or at work etc.
If he had a live in partner I probably wouldn't need access at all.
We live over an hour apart though, if he's only 5 minutes away I'm not sure why he needs to be in your house, once it is your house.

depends. does he own the house with you? if he does YABU. If not, YANBU,

I think that asking for the key when the deeds are sorted out is probably a sensible way of handling the issue without making it seem personal. He'll have his own flat to look after your daughter in when needed, which is the way most separated parents handle it.

YANBU...just take him buying his own flat as an opportunity to set up a new routine. It's probably best for your DD that she gets used to you both living in different places as it may well cause confusion in the furture. This set up can't last forever anyway can it? What if you meet a new partner etc?!

It would mean on the days that I work that either ex-h has her to stay over the nights before, or I go into work later after she's woken up - I currently leave at 7 and get back at 5 to miss the traffic but I could just as easily leave at a bit before 8 and get back at a bit after 6 - though that would mean ex-h giving her her tea

That's a lot of faffing about. Why not just wake her at six and get her ready to leave with you at 7am? Other than that, it all sounds very sensible.

cumbria - the house has always been in just my name, but I'm giving him back a large chunk he paid off the mortgage so he won't have any 'moral' right as well has having no legal right. That's why I think this is a good point to clear things up.

Worra - that would be an obvious solution . It would be a challenge for me to be organised - I can only just get myself ready to be out between 6 & 7! but yes it's another option, and the more options I can present ex-h with, the less he can argue the toss.

Duna - exactly - I am currently on a couple of dating websites so that has crossed my mind!

my exh used to do this too, was very relieved when finally sold the marital home and got my own place so he didn't have to keep turning up unannounced...

Selling family home, taking myself off property ladder and will now have to privately rent, probably forever, for this very reason. Cannot afford to buy him out and although courts say I should not have to sell until youngest finishes education, Ex is obviously entitled to enter house when he wants.

I do understand this as his name is on the mortgage so it is his property but he is living with his new partner and refuses to take DD to her house.

Having him here just makes go into panic mode as he is a passive aggresive bully and feel like he is judging everything even down to whats in the fridge! So in answer YANBU to want to sort this out!

Queen

You do want to sort this out. My parents got divorced today but for various reasons it took about 5 years (I know!!). During that time, for much of it, my DF retained access to my DM's house.

For ages she was far too nice to say anything but I know it wound her up a treat and because of the dynamics of their relationship she found it really hard to say anything.

If I were you, I'd step on this quickly: it will be awkward and he may act put out, but it is far better than being in this situation in 5 years' time.

Plus, what will happen when one day he is doing 'little jobs' and finds your new fling's razor in the loo or a used condom in the bin? Get rid.

WeepinWillow - sorry you've ended up in that position. I do the panicky thing as well - I even hide any chocolate if I know he's coming round .

MrsRavelstein - it's a good point that if I'd moved in order to buy him out, I doubt he would expect to have a key to my new place and be able to come and go as he pleased. There should be no difference really.

x-post Revolting - sorry about your parents. Good advice - that it might still be happening in 5 years time - that's an incentive to sort it out.

Sorry OP and to all you who are going through this awful process btw, I omitted to say that earlier.

Onwards and upwards :)

ex-h has today offered to give me some money back after I've bought him out so I can "treat dd to a holiday". He says he's just trying to be nice. Is it me or is that just weird?

I told him we'd agreed a price and I'd rather just draw a line. He got a bit huffy about that.

And no, I've not yet suggested any stuff about him not coming round any more - was going to wait until everything had finalised.