Let me explain.
I have been watching Mad Dogs in which old friends are invited to a Spanish villa by their rich friend. The rich friend is a villain but that is by the by to the thrust of my thread. This rich friend lords it over them and says snide things to each of them in turn about how they haven't got on in life, they put up with this for the sake of their free luxury holiday.
My experience is as follows.
When I was about 18 I had had a really lovely day out with a close school friend whom I had known for 5 years (all the world at that age), we had an absolute blast that day and then she asked me if I would like to go with her to her family's holiday home over the summer holidays. Yes of course, I said that would be wonderful. I can?t tell you how excited I was by that invitation to spend even more time with my best friend was going to be amazing and I hadn't had a holiday for years it was especially exciting.
We returned to her home and she said to her parents how she had asked me. Her father simply said to her in front of me "You really need to invite your other friend X instead as you are going to her family's holiday home in Italy?
I was stunned, mortified and humiliated. My friend was like "oh dad!"
Nothing else was said. It was left up to me to say to her later that I had best not come then - which was me just politely clarifying that I had been explicitly dropped as I didn?t have a holiday or holiday home to exchange with her.
From that point on our friendship was pretty much over as we drifted apart anyway. The main factor in the friendship frosting over though was my utter disbelief at what had been said.
20 years later and I am still aghast at the embarrassment of it all and yet I do now feel I have come to some kind of understanding about what some friendships mean to some people.
I have seen similar things happen to other people.
A work colleagues parents had a very exclusive property on a Caribbean island. In the days before facebook - emails and mobiles this girl would get endless calls at work from "friends" about the property. Everyone wanted a free holiday and she was obviously very used to it and offered people mates rates instead.
Another work colleague went away to Bermuda to visit a friend. Turned out they weren't really friends and didn?t have a good time my work colleague had imposed herself on someone who had a holiday home there, cultivated the friendship for the explicit intention of having a free holiday.
A friend puts up with a dreadful sniping sister as the sister has a holiday home in France and they like to go there for a holiday. Same friend keeps a certain friend very close as they use her UK seafront cottage.
A friend recently told me about her school pals get together, they go to spain to one of the groups step fathers luxury villa, except one of their group has not been invited as she is "poor" and cant afford the fun they plan to have and cant reciprocate.
Dear me. Is this what it boils down to?
Deep down I still have a childish expectation of a friendship. I expect fun times, I expect understanding and support. I expect a meeting of minds and humour.
What I have discovered and especially during the transition to SAHM is some people don't want you for you, they are looking for an asset friendship - a friendship that offers them a clear commodity in return.
Usually its just a matching of childrens ages, but what I am experiencing is you are judged and if you are not matching in income, house size, holidays etc the friendship is dumped.
I just feel that the trump card in this type of toxic friendship is a holiday home.
Don't get me wrong, there are some real gems of friends that don't judge you, are there for you even when circumstances don't match up anymore as things change over the years - but these are rare and if you have them, keep them close.
Love to hear your stories and thoughts.