or is my Mum?

[Mirabelle77]

I moved last year a few hours drive away from family and friends. I now have 4 month old , dh moved for work same company, better salary.

Obviously big decision while pregnant and included a cross over period while I remained in our house and he worked away for 4 months of pregnancy.

I did have my reservations but wanted to support my dh in his career and thought we should make the best of it

My mum was diagnosed with cancer in a few years ago , she had an op , and after got the all clear.

She came to live with me for 3 weeks while I nursed her until she could go back to living on her own.

Also last year she had an op and I stayed with her away from dh while 7 months pregnant and looked after her for a week and half.

I have always been there although sometimes she likes to portray me as selfish and immature?!

Anyway we have decided dh is going to try and get work back where all family and friends are.

I told my Mum who instead of being pleased said , well when I told people you were leaving even friends of friends said they can't believe Mirabelle is leaving you after all you have been through ?! I think she meant that's what she thought!

Even though I had moved and was pregnant dh still took her to and from the hospital and I stayed alone and looked after her. I would struggle now with ds to look after her and him anyway.

At Christmas I was back up , but she didn't invite me over and refuses to visit here except for when ds was born and left halfway through suddenly saying she was leaving as she didn't feel welcome, leaving me sobbing on the sofa!

I don't doubt cancer is awful and she has gone through a lot but I keep repeating the friends of friends comment in my head. She obviously thinks I should always be around her due to the fact she had cancer , was it out of order for me to move away in the first place even though I returned to look after her as normal ?

no i dont think you have been U it sounds as though you have been trying to support her and do as much as you can, if your dh had to move for his career thats just one of those things, its not as if you did it to spite your mum. i think she is being a bit childish about it, although understandable that she's upset to not have you near but she should be more understanding

I think your mum is being incredibly childish. YANBU.

So she listens to friends of friends instead of her own brain? Sounds a bit playground behaviour to me.

YANBU.

Is she very old? In my experience old people become very selfish.

She is being very self-centred IMHO. I have a mother like this; whenever she wants to express her own criticism of me she does it under the veil of other people's supposed comments to her, which is cowardly I think as it keeps her at one stage removed from expressing her own opinion which I could then challenge.

I have come to the conclusion that however much I do for mine and run round after her, it will never be enough. The more I do the less it is appreciated, whilst if my brother so much as picks up the phone the whole world gets to hear how wonderful he is.

You sound like you have made a huge effort to support her and maintain your relationship despite the miles. It's time to focus on what's best for you and your immediate family as no matter how much you do for her she will always expect more and you will be left feeling both bitter and guilty at the same time.

Yanbu. My mother had cancer 10 yrs ago, has my father around full time (he took early retirement) and she still does it to me now. Bugs the bell out of dh.

Do what is right for you and your family.

What is/was your mum like when cancer is taken out of the equation?

Is she always demanding and critical? If so then the cancer wont change that, but has given her the perfect reason to justify (in her head) what she says. "I knew she was selfish, she moved away when I was ill" etc..

If she isnt normally like that then it is likely it is a side effect of the cancer, perhaps frightening her and making her more needy. And lot of people when they are frightened, hit out at those closest to them. My mum is exactly like this. She wants us all there for her when she is worried or frightened, but is absolutely vile to us and then gets even more frightened and vile when we back off!

It sounds like she's using her friends as scapegoats to get her opinion across, because she knows it's U.
Not visiting you over/leaving mid visit could she be trying to punish you for moving away?
Or, sorry and I could be reading it wrong - did she actually feel unwelcome whilst visiting you and has decided she doesn't want contact any more? Could she feel like a burder and is trying to remove herself?

Bogeyface, I hate to say it but my mum seems to be the worst person to her cancer as she loves playing the victim and getting things her way , obviously she did have cancer so why shouldn't she be looked after but I know she is very, very particular on how she likes things done. I just keep a lid on my feelings eg making her porridge , I got it right on the fifth attempt, I would keep my mouth shut and accept the thickness may not be to my liking!

Laos , ds was only 3 weeks old when she came down from cleaning upstairs and said she was leaving. I was stressed out I was struggling to bf. My mil was here the week before she said I was more ok than her who cried every day when her dc were babies.

My mum felt she wasn't helping but all she did was clean and never held ds, she hasn't seen him since he was 1 month old, it's all a bit weird, also she won't be called grandma etc as that makes her feel old( she is old)! She left saying since her cancer diagnosis she is very sensitive, I was pretty sensitive with a new baby and no friends or fam, so the ond time I needed her support she upped and left!

seem to have killled my own thread, bump!

Part of treating cancer sufferers is to teach them to ask for assistance and this makes them selfish, imo your mum has more than enough self obsession already and has lost any empathy for you. You needed pampering yourself when you were pregnant and you have every right to expect HER to help you with a new baby - not the other way round.
Why are you even thinking of getting your dh to leave a good job and return to your home town so that you can look after your Mum when you need all your energies to give to your family and dh.

What about him? This could make him resentful for the rest of his days, you are married now (in a relationship/whatever) and committed to him. This sounds old fashioned I know but you come as a pair (just imagine if he had a demamding parent too). Grandparents jobs are as child minders if they are inclined that way, and whatever age she is she's a Grandma, she's not your responsibility any more. Your Mum is a grown woman not a dependant, and she is taking advantage of you while you are fragile and vulnerable with the baby. You don't need this pressure - TELL HER - and get back to your own life and do whay you want to do!
Get in touch with Macmillans, they have help and advice for carers and relatives of cancer sufferers - they might be able to suggest something.

Your Mum sounds like a juvenile nightmare. In a similar way to my MiL although she blamed her own son for ruining her life by moving to another country.
Don't feed her fantasies, but do as Rach said and contact a cancer organisation for some advice.
Your Mum can't keep on about a diagnosis for which she had treatment that happened so long ago.

I'm amazed at the responses, I thought most posters would think I'm selfish and not sympathetic to her needs.

Rach we don't want to move back to look after my Mum. We miss his parents and our other friends and don't really enjoy the area we are in.
Also dh now realises he wants to change jobs but needed to move to find that out.

My mum goes to a Macmillan group already , she is back at work now as had a small op in Nov that she only told me about a week before as she didn't think I would be of any help as just had ds.

She doesn't need physical help as such it's just her whole mentality and she seems to use it as an excuse when it suits her. I can only imagine how I would be if I had cancer but I don't think I would use it to excuse myself and I would put my childs need first if they needed me.

You haven't lived in your place long. Have you ever moved away from "home" before?
It is well known that people moving go through certain stages. Basically you can start off excited by the new place and new opportunities. Then after a while this wears off and you start to spot the faults. This is not the time to move back. As oddly enough the same thing will happen when you get back to your original home (you will start off happy and then start spotting the things missing compared to where you moved to). heres a website on it
I would suggest that you look at your new location and start to get to know other Mum's. Go to toddler groups, try a baby swimming class, even do an evening class. Get to make new friends, especially on the Mums network. Really give this place a chance.

As to your Mum. She does sound sad, but I don't think you can really change this. Do make sure she is being looked after (MacMillan etc.), but it doesn't have to be, and probably can't be, you. Friends of friends may say all sorts of things but it can be a) they are bitter themselves, b) they are just agreeing with her, c) she is misinterpreting what they say.
You can't live your whole life listening to what other people say. Sometimes you just have to go for it, however scarey it is.

Mummytime I have moved before just not as far. I have made friends etc been to groups , it's not the same as family. I didn't know what a life change having a baby was. Eg if I want dh with me when I have next baby who can look after ds? Nobody! I don't know anyone well enough to leave him. Also if moved mil would provide free childcare so I could work
part time. I know about that feeling I actually don't hate living here but I would be happier if we moved back. Also dh feels the same way and would like to change job. It's all a bit of a headache wish we had never moved.