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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want an apology from "D"H?

10 replies

Bogeyface · 22/02/2011 21:03

although I am well aware that the chances of getting one are the same as me winning the lottery on the day that I magically lose 3 stone and get a proposal of marriage from George Clooney.

He knows I am struggling alot with my SPD, to the point where I now cant leave the house without help. I am trying (and failing) to find wheelchair hire so I can go shopping or just round the block with someone. The pain is constant and getting comfy in bed, nigh on impossible. I also suffer with insomnia although thankfully that seems to have improved slightly. This week he has alot of late shifts so I am "not on your own with the kids all day, you can lie in and I can do most of the stuff that needs doing" his words.

Last night he came to bed at 2:30am, waking me and yanking off the duvet that I had spent ages getting right so I wouldnt have to move again then said I was over reacting when I called him inconsiderate. I used that word, inconsiderate, not WANKER or TWAT, which is what I was thinking!

Get woken by the kids going downstairs and watching TV waiting for DH who said he would be "down in a minute". I go for a wee and DH by then was back asleep. I got collared by ds2, fair enough, so went and sorted out breakfast etc. Realised we were out of milk, shouted DH, no reply. Sent dd up, said he would be "down in a minute, but he's gone back to sleep Mum". Put the back pack on, got my sticks and hobbled to the shop and back. It was nice actually, to be out of the house, but fucking agony. I made sure I slammed the door on my way out. He was up when I got back saying "Why didnt you ask me to go" Angry

He sat on his arse all morning watching what he wanted on TV, then got ready for work and left. I put the dinner in the slow cooker, got the kids lunch and did a load of washing. When I asked for help I got "yes, in a minute"

So when he rang about an hour ago to "see how I was doing" I told him, in no uncertain terms how my day had been and promptly burst into tears, mainly out of tiredness but also out of sheer frustration that he talked the talk but didnt actually fulfill his promises. So he got stroppy and I hung up on him.

He will do what he always does when he is in the wrong and sulk, not talk to me until I push it and then eventually may give a grudging apology that takes all of his effort.

I have saved his portion of dinner even though I was sorely tempted to bin it, but I wont waste food! He is a thoughtless arse occasionally but generally pretty good with doing stuff. He doesnt need to be asked to do a load of washing and understands that doing laundry includes drying it and putting it away too. He will clear up after dinner, make lunch, always makes the kids packed lunches, will do bed time etc without being asked. All the things that alot of women have to nag their OHs to do, he does without being asked.

So why, when he promised that today he would specifically help me out, did he do the opposite and actually did less than normal? And act like I am the arse?

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 22/02/2011 21:06

honey, YANBU, I have no answer to give you, but it's just shit for you and totally unfathomable as to how he could even see that he's being remotely helpful.

Would it help to write a list of the bare minimum that needs to get done that you need help with?

Acanthus · 22/02/2011 21:06

He has been inconsiderate, yes, but is he finding it hard supporting you at the moment? No one is going to agree with this, are they...

Hassled · 22/02/2011 21:08

If this is a one off day of him being a bit of a twat then I think it's probably your hormones/tiredness talking and you need to calm down a bit. We all have days of being a bit of a twat.

If he's always full of promises he doesn't deliver then you need to sit him down and have an unemotional, logical sort of talk. You did X and it made me feel Y, etc. No tears or blame - just cold hard facts.

Bogeyface · 22/02/2011 21:08

Acanthus, I think part of the problem is that pain is invisible. Perhaps he just doesnt get how bad it is.

When he isnt here I have to get on with it, and it fucking hurts but the kids dont stop being hungry jsut because I am in pain. I have been in tears doing things (they do help, bless them but they cant cook a dinner!) and I wonder if he thinks it isnt that bad?

OP posts:
Acanthus · 22/02/2011 21:12

I think that is probably a really good point. Have a good talk with him, but maybe not today? Much sympathy to you.

curlymama · 22/02/2011 21:23

Yanbu to be upset and need his help, but it sounds like generally, he does his best.

Maybe he doesn'y understand how much pain you are in, but that would be hard for him. He can't truly understand in the proper sense of the word, he has never had SPD. You are much better off finding solidarity from others that genuinely know how much it hurts and are capable of understanding.

All he really needs to know is that you are in pain and need his help as much as possible, him knowing the exact degree of pain you are in won't really make much difference.

You both need to remember that this is a hard time for both of you, and not try to score points over who is having the worst time. You both need to support eachother.

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/02/2011 21:32

I think you need to be more clear on what you need him to do, him saying he'll help implies he knows intimately what gets done each day and what goes into it. I very much doubt he has that firm a grasp on the day to day running of your home.

You need to organise this cover/help/pulling his own weight with as little what would be percieved as nagging as possible. How about this approach, it involves going backwards to go forwards.

Calm yourself and adopt a sympathetic face.

Say to him, today didn't really work out as well as it could have done, and I feel that I didn't let you know properly the ways in which I absolutely need your help. I know you were prepared to do whatever I needed, but I don't think I communicated how you could help me. so here goes...

Present a list of things that need to be done daily and highlight those tasks that you really can't do anymore, then those that you really struggle with.

Identify the tasks that you can manage, and then divvy up those that are left between you.

Be firm, delegate. I had SPD and it was like a kick in the fanjo, but no-where near as bad as you have it, you have my utter sympathy.

PorkChopSter · 22/02/2011 21:32

Firstly, British Red Cross for the wheelchair. It's under medical equipment hire on their website. Then buy some size K tubigrip and cut enough that you can have a double layer from under chest to just above knee. Get onto GP for appropriate pain relief. Then, I don't mean to be harsh.... but don't be a martyr. Don't enable your DH to be a tosser. Talk as Hassled said. Good luck.

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/02/2011 21:33

"Maybe he doesn'y understand how much pain you are in, but that would be hard for him."

see my post above... Grin A Swift kick in the fanjo ought to give him a clue...

Bogeyface · 22/02/2011 22:02

Thanks all.

I have talked to him about what I can and cant do, but today he just seemed to have turned into tosser number one. I can take him having a twatish day, it doesnt happen often, but its the fact that i am in pain and upset and I know he wont apologise that gets to me.

If I had behaved like that to him I would apologise straight away, but he wont. Surely thats not too much to ask is it?

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