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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to dump my observer

25 replies

mamateur · 22/02/2011 19:32

A couple of months ago a friend asked me if I would agree to have an observer, a post-grad student who needed to observe a mother and one year-old for a year. He comes once a week for an hour.

I don't like him at all. He refuses to speak to me at all.

He answers anything I say in a very vague way that implies he doesn't want to talk. I understand he is focusing and doesn't want to chat away, but he is really stand-offish and I find it a bit uncomfortable.

More importantly, he refuses to engage with DS who just keeps taking more and more things over to him, smiling at him etc. and he doesn't respond in any way, just does a stiff half-smile and looks away. DS has this person in the room who constantly rejects him. It's a bit weird.

If he arrives and DS is asleep, he sits in the dark room and watches him. Why on earth do that?

A friend of mine (the link, she also had an observer, met mine and commented how little she liked him). She spoke to the woman who had arranged it and she seemed very guarded on the subject. It's also weird he only needs a one year placement when apparently all the others are 2 years. It makes me think his previous placement was terminated.

DS doesn't have much routine, I put him down for his nap when he's tired but this varies depending on when he wakes. If he's asleep when the observer is due to come I text him to ask him to call my mobile to be let in instead of ringing the bell. He always rings the bell and has never mentioned my texts. I can't help thinking it's because he wants DS to be awake to observe.

I could possibly talk to him, but don't really know where to start. I could presumably ask the coordinator to find him a new placement, but this will presumably mess up his work a lot.

Would I BVU to do this?

OP posts:

parakeet · 22/02/2011 19:35

I think it's a big ask, even if the person was totally nice and friendly.

If you feel this uncomfortable with the situation, you have to stop.

Flisspaps · 22/02/2011 19:36

YANBU - what is it that he's doing the observations for?

Original poster

mamateur · 22/02/2011 19:42

He's observing mother and baby bonding.

Like it hasn't already all been written!

OP posts:

pjmama · 22/02/2011 19:44

Unless you're comfortable with having this person (presumably) in your home and around your family, then I'd have no qualms about asking for him to be reassigned. Presumably you're under no obligation and his work is not your problem?

TheMonster · 22/02/2011 19:44

I wouldn't be comfortable with him observing me and I would end it.

Hassled · 22/02/2011 19:46

Get rid. You should feel comfortable in your own home - the thought of some uncommunicative student staring at my child for an hour a week makes me shiver.

Original poster

mamateur · 22/02/2011 19:47

I think if he'd said he was not going to engage at all while observing I would have declined, because DS is very friendly and I hate it when anyone doesn't respond. I can't help it when we're out, but this is in his home.

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/02/2011 19:47

Oh god, do they still do that? I remember they asked in 2005 when I was PG with DS.

Why on earth did you agree to it... if you don't like it, end the arrangement.

edam · 22/02/2011 19:47

Gosh, I'd stop this arrangement without any delay. You are doing this man a massive favour anyway. You are not obliged to have anyone who makes you uncomfortable in your house.

Original poster

mamateur · 22/02/2011 19:51

OK, I didn't need much encouragement. I'll take the cowards way out and speak to his supervisor.

LittleMiss, I thought it would be interesting! A bit naive obviously.

OP posts:

ButterflySally · 22/02/2011 19:52

I don't think YABU.

However, I was just wondering, do you think because he is 'observing' he feels he isn't able to interact with you and your DC because by doing so, it changes the dynamics of what is meant to be observing? Not that I'm trying to find excuses for him, just thinking of possible reasons for his behaviour because it sounds odd! And even if this were the reason for his strange behaviour, he should have explained this to you from the start so you knew what to expect during the observations.

If you feel uncomfortable about it, then having someone in your house once a week for a whole year is a huge ask! Perhaps speak with the placement coordinator about the placement, what the observers are meant to do, how they are meant to interact and then perhaps highlight your concerns to them and see what they say in response.

TheCrackFox · 22/02/2011 19:52

He sounds odd and no, I wouldn't want him in my house.

ButterflySally · 22/02/2011 19:53

Sorry x-posts there. If you're really uncomfortable, I'd end it.

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/02/2011 19:54

I do recall them stating to me that the person would not interact, that they would merely observe, but it sounds like he's being overly enthusiastic for the voyeur observation malarkey.

Good luck mamateur, be brave and say it's not working out...

Lucyinthepie · 22/02/2011 20:01

Yep, knock it on the head now. Tell the supervisor you don't want any more visits at all.

Original poster

mamateur · 22/02/2011 20:13

LittleMiss, absolutely, nail on head there. They aren't supposed to engage because then it would become about the three of you, instead of just the mother child relationship - but he's taking it too far.

OP posts:

oopslateagain · 22/02/2011 20:17

Simply by being there he is changing your behaviour and that of your ds. If he truly wants to watch your interactions without any outside influence, he should do it by being completely unobtrusive - watching through a window or via video link.

He is never going to get good data when he is so obviously affecting your ds's behaviour. That is a good enough reason for him to end the observation sessions.

Original poster

mamateur · 22/02/2011 20:27

Very true, oops.

OP posts:

breatheslowly · 22/02/2011 20:49

Yup, get rid. I was pissed off that a woman in a supermarket queue didn't smile back at DD when DD tried to engage with her (perhaps a bit pfb). I can't imagine spending 1 hour a week with someone who didn't engage. If they really wanted to do an observation without engaging then they should use cameras.

oldqueenie · 22/02/2011 21:09

didn't you and he talk at the outset about what this would involve?
i am guessing he is some sort of child psychotherapy trainee... his task is purely to observe (ie not to interact / impose himself)you and ds together. Having said that observing a one / two yo is different from observing a newborn to 1 yo and i can understand what you mean about ds not being responded to feeling awkward. The text thing is weird, are you sure you have the right mobile number?!
Think you should talk with him. maybe at the end of a visit (when he has finished being in observing mode). It would be fair to try and communicate your feelings rather than just give up on this when you have agreed to let him do this. It will be a real pain for him if you just end this. hth.

cocoachannel · 22/02/2011 21:19

Even if he's not interacting to ensure he doesn't influence your interaction with your DS, he should have explained this to you very carefully in an initial briefing meeting.

YANBU- I'd definitely pull out.

breatheslowly · 22/02/2011 22:07

I don't think that watching you with your DS and a weird non-responsive person in the room can really result in particularly good observations as you are both likely to be acting a bit differently as the result of the strange situation.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 22/02/2011 22:10

You're doing this man a favour - presumably you are not getting paid or anything. If you have had enough, put a stop to it. He may basically not be very good at the job he's being trained for.

SmethwickBelle · 22/02/2011 22:15

It is natural to feel protective of your child, having a virtual stranger observing them so creepily.... shudder so yes give him notice with your reasons and he'll be getting an extra insight to maternal bonding in action!

VerylazyBecsy · 22/02/2011 22:19

@breatheslowly- maybe i should engage more with other people's babies. Babies always seem to look at me and smile, point etc but im frightened that parents will think im a weird baby snatcher or that they might not want their children to interact with strangers. I find it so uncomfortable and never know what to do!!

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