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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH to come home on time

9 replies

kitkey · 22/02/2011 19:10

WE live in London (south east) DH works in an office in central London. He leaves for work just after after 8 and gets to work just after 9 (1hrs commute) He says he can leave work at about 5.30pm but he without fail gets in most nights at 710 -715 indicating that he does not leave on time. There are always excuses for this and I'm sure he has a lot of work to do and deadlines to meet but I really need him home as early as he can get home - I have a 3.2 year old and a 21 mth old to put to bed, the tidying to do and our meal to make. I am 9 weeks pregnant and really suffering with sickness and tiredness. He has a colleague at work who;s wife has recently given birth. I asked if he went home on time and he said "of course he has got a newborn" I cried my eyes out at this as when I had a colicky refluxing newborn and a 17mth old he STILL came in a after 7 despite me begging him to come just 30mins earlier. He does have stressful busy job BUT he also is a smoker and smokes a lot, so I know he has to leave the building (not sure what floor he works on) and smoke and he probably has at least 5 a day. He time management skills are terrible but why can't he do this one thing for me until I feel a bit better I may be being U but I am so pissed off.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 22/02/2011 19:13

Im sorry you are feeling so low, but in this current economic market, those who have jobs have to work twice as hard to keep them. If he was seen not to be keeping up with his workload it is of course possible someone else could take his job.

He is lucky to have a job at all.

Your husband leaves work at 6, that is only a half hour after the time he is supposed to leave, he is half hour later, trains take longer in the evening.

He is not hours later than you want him to come home, but 30 mins. Surely that is no big deal.

And I have to say Im sick of the smoking bashers.

Is he not entitled to respite during his working day?

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/02/2011 19:42

If people leave an office bang on time every day, it gets noticed. I know he has an excuse, a good one, as it were, but on some level, people with kids get bashed too, for time off, kids sickness, holidays, having a life...

If he works until 5.30, it'd take a few moments to shut down and sort himself out for the next day and get his stuff for the journey home.

As fabby says he's half an hour later than he technically could be.

I appreciate you feel like death, and that makes the day feel like an eternity, but he sounds like he is doing his best, and it's a tough old climate out there, if he lost his job and you have 2 small DC and another on the way, it'd be disastrous I'm sure.

springbokdoc · 22/02/2011 19:53

Sorry I know that this is really frustrating (currently on mat leave and clock watch till hubby gets in if I've had a tiring day with screaming colicky DS.

But I commuted to work in London and sometimes it can just take an age at peak times. waiting for the fricking tube... waiting for the fricking tube that actually has space... Signal failures... etc. etc.

I can understand your thoughts about his smoking but it is a break (which he does deserve) in the same way as if he stopped to have a cup f tea.

I know this isn't what you want to hear. Hope your sickness improves

jbells · 22/02/2011 19:53

i just wanted to say i know exactly how u feel DP should work 9-5 and the commute can vary between an 30 mins and an hour depending on liverpool city centre traffic a lot of nites he hasnt been getting in till near on 7 and i have been in tears with 22 month old DD not giving me a second and the fact that im 28 wks pg and i wont lie it has caused arguements so i completly sympathise with u. however i like u know deep down that they are (hopefully) trying there best to get home asap and i do afta ive relaxed and calmed down feel like im being unreasonable. sometimes i feel like he just doesnt understand how tiring my day is with the house and DD from 7-7 is a long day alone with children. im waffling now in short i know how your feeling but theres not a lot that can be done try and just sit down and tell him if its possible for him to get home any earlier u wud really appreciate it.

Original poster

kitkey · 22/02/2011 20:16

I guess I'm being U. I suppose I feel more pushed to get home on time when I know DH is with the kids. I am a nurse and I hardly ever take a break in the 8 hrs I am at work but I feel it is a break to be at work - I get to pee in peace with the door locked. I only work 2 weekdays (kids at nursery) and 1 weekend day (DH has kids on own) and I feel bad for him on that day knowing how tiring at relentless it is dealing with under 5s rather than adults so I rush home. Think my hormones are making me unreasonably angry with DH tonight.

OP posts:

jbells · 22/02/2011 20:23

im with u on going to work is like a break, u get to have breaks in peace, tea in peace, quiet time, and toilet breaks in peace, dont think men realise the magnititude if these lil things that u tale for granted when u can do them on a day to day basis

notheroldie · 22/02/2011 20:31

KITKEY Isympathise with you entirely.
Spending a day with small DCs is very hard work and being pg doesnt help matters.
I had a run-in with my DH about the same thing, he said hes be home at 6, it got later and later til after 7 and the DC 3 & 2 were desperately tired and I wanted them bathed and in bed, but he also expected a meal ready. I often left it in the oven and said tough! But then he wanted to spend time with the DC and they were just irritable, screaming and a nightmare. I put my foot down (hes self employed so its up to him so he no bloody excuse not to be back) and things improved for a while.

I really hope your DH can try a bit harder, esp as you are making the effort not to leave him any longer with your DC than is reasonable. (why do we make the effort I wonder??)

I know its hard, and you are allowed to feel hormonal, miserable and pissed off whether you are pg or not! Try and talk again, and explain to him the efforts you make to be home on time, so he doesnt have to struggle. best to get this sorted before it gets too much for you.

All the best. x

Glubs · 22/02/2011 20:49

It's really hard to leave work on time every day. I often get fined by my childcare because I'm late but I can't just walk out of a meeting or leave a task unfinished.

In my experience, the more you nag him, the less likely he is to come home on time.

Bramshott · 22/02/2011 21:41

This is so hard.

I used to feel similar about my DH, but TBH, only because I was (at least subconciously) expecting him to be in at a particular time - which was the earliest he could be home, leaving on the dot of his official "finish" time - which was never going to happen!

These days, I just don't expect him back at a particular time, although I always let him know how delighted I am if he's home early.

OP - if you are a nurse, do you realise that it's very different in an office that somewhere with a designated "end of shift"? Just because it says on most people's contracts that they finish work at 5pm, doesn't mean that anyone really gets to leave the office then. Most offices have an unofficial end time, which can be at least an hour later - aside from special circumstances like having a newborn at home etc.

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