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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate feeling like a hawk

12 replies

deliakate · 22/02/2011 16:57

DS is 19 months, and is quite used to being around other people, but it seems like lately, when I am there too, he is becoming aggressive with other children and I keep on having to get down with him to make peace.

I'm 6 mos preg, and since getting preg we've not been out and about quite so much, to groups and activities - but I do still make a big effort to go a few times a week to meet friends with little ones, or larger groups. DS also goes to nursery for 2 days per week (about 10-3pm), although I'm a sahm, as I found I wasn't getting any breaks, even weekends, as DH works so much.

He often grabs other children's clothes - often much bigger girls and boys - who sometimes get pissed off and shove him, and sometimes cry. He will also hit children in the face (obviously, this is not hard, but again, often makes them cry). Once he has done this, he sometimes tries to say sorry and give the child a hug. But understandably, most children don't want to hug him after that.

Am I making a mistake of thinking I can take him somewhere and let him play somewhere very near me in an area with books/toys whilst I have a chinwag with a friend. Should I be down there on the floor with him the whole time?

I have noticed that when he hits/grabs, I go rushing over and explain to him not to do it/tell him off. So he's getting my full attention at that point. But I can't really do otherwise, because the other mums of course don't want him upsetting their DCs.

I know its pretty normal toddler behaviour, and I've heard the advice is to just remove him from the situation, not waste breath on explaining about making people "sad", apologising etc....... But how does that work in practice????

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TuttiFrutti · 22/02/2011 17:14

This is normal 19 month behaviour. I was in your position a few years ago and I really feel for you, but I don't think there are any magic answers.

No, you shouldn't be down there on the floor with him all the time - you need time to chat to your friends too, and this is important. But you have to accept that from time to time, you will have to intervene because he will behave "inappropriately", ie in a way which will annoy other children and their mothers, but which is totally normal for a child that young.

He is too young to understand about consideration for other people, so don't waste your energy going into long explanations to him. This will just make you frustrated because he will appear to be listening but will do the same behaviour again 10 minutes later.

Bear with it. It does get better.

deliakate · 22/02/2011 17:47

Thanks for your message. Lol at "apppear to be listening". I get lots of big eyes and a few repeated words, and convince myself this means its sinking in!

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JohannaM · 22/02/2011 17:51

I don't agree that 19 months is too young to understand consideration for others (albeit in a limited form).

Nor do I think hitting and grabbing are "normal" toddler behaviour.

Why not try withdrawing him for a few minutes next time he hits another child or makes a grab for their toys? This should help him to understand that there are rules that have to be followed and certain behaviour will result in being withdrawn temporarily from "society".

I suppose an old fashioned light smack on his behind is right out? Shock

TheSecondComing · 22/02/2011 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deliakate · 22/02/2011 18:17

I wouldn't smack him, no. The time out/withdrawing him from the situ seems like the only thing he'd prob respond to. But where would I take him? Somewhere to sit with me for a few mins, which he would probably enjoy? Strap him in his buggy for a couple of mins? (Got that idea from Tanya Byron in the Times here women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article4653770.ece
There isn't always a convenient place to "confine" him safely so he realises he's missing out through what he's done.

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JohannaM · 22/02/2011 22:08

How about strapping him into his car seat, locking the car door and leaving him for a few minutes? You wouldn't need to go away just make sure you're out of his range of vision. It may be a pain in the proverbial for you but eventually he should get the message.

NotANaturalGeordie · 22/02/2011 22:17

You probably do this already, but I found that making a point of noticing good behaviour really works - 'ooh you played nicely with him' or give unexpected hugs/kisses 'just because' - this will hopefully reduce aggressive attention seeking behaviour. Good luck with the new baby.

squeakytoy · 22/02/2011 22:21

How about strapping him into his car seat, locking the car door and leaving him for a few minutes? You wouldn't need to go away just make sure you're out of his range of vision

I think that would be terrifying for a child. :(

I would rather a tap on the bum or back of the hand, and make the child sit down away from the others and not be allowed to play with them if he cant play nicely.

PedlarsSockpuppet · 22/02/2011 22:25

the hawk phase is a pest but doesn't last long

be ready to whip him away to the other side of the room/parry a blow with your forearm quickly

impulse is great and empathy skills still in early stages at 19months

and fgs no don't abandon him in the car, even for a few minutes - am truly boggling at the idea, bloody hell

JohannaM · 23/02/2011 12:56

squeakytoy: Why would it be "terrifying"? This is a nineteen month old who recognises that when people are not within visual range it doesn't mean they've "disappeared". For a child of 6 months old such an experience may be distressing because at that age the child has yet to make that cognitive connection.

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 23/02/2011 13:42

when DD got too rough as a wee one we used to say "gentle, gentle" and softly stroke her arm/cheek/leg. This worked really well as we could then use "gentle, gentle" as a verbal cue when we saw she might potentially be rough with other kids or us (or was around little babies or cats for example) - she could understand to lighten her touch/use soft touch etc.

deliakate · 23/02/2011 14:57

Yes, gentle is a big word for us too. I think he gets what that is. He just doesn't know it also means no pulling etc.

The car thing wouldn't work anyway, as we very often go out on foot, and even if we'd driven, it would be a major hassle to get him up and outside to the carpark each time he's silly.

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