my parents have disowned us all (long, sorry!)

[kate45]

I have posted about this before, my mother has alcohol issues and is narcissistic and my father isn't much better, last year they snubbed my eldest dd by trying to get out of seeing her at her birthday, to cut a long story short they told her a load of lies (which they later admitted to!).

Dd was very hurt, I wrote and asked them to apologise to her and this resulted in an abusive letter from my mother (to me). I replied, along the lines of I still felt they should apologise to dd, and said that despite all the bad feeling they should not think this meant I wanted to stop them seeing their gc, however since then we have heard nothing.

They did send cards to dds when they both started school in Sept, and money to dds for Christmas and younger dds birthday. On each occasion I sent a thank you note. A few weeks ago it was my birthday and I didn't even get a card, which was not lost on my eldest dd (nearly twelve).

It was my fathers birthday just after that so I sent a card from my dds (written by me). He then had the cheek to email me and tell me they should write their own cards!! The truth is that the eldest didn't want to even send him one, and the youngest is too small to write to him.

I replied saying that at least I had made the effort to send a card and pointing out that my mothers refusal to apologise and then to speak to any of us again since last April, has effectively completely destroyed their relationship with their gc, one of whom barely remembers them and the other is really hurt and angry.

Should I try and mend this, or should I just cut my losses? I am truly at a loss to understand how my parents can be so cruel to my dds. And should I ask them to stop sending money for Christmas and birthdays if that is our only contact, or just take the money?!

Take the money.Its what I do.Have barely spoken to my mum and one of my sisters in 3 years(disowned because I wouldnt take their side" in row over inheritance.
They send cards with cash in for birthdays and my mum comes over at xmas with bundles of presents(practically ignores me) but my two youngest dont even really know who she is now.Sad but her choice(never ever told her she couldnt see dcs).
I feel the cash/presents are the least she owes them and me(was not a good mother, an issue that she has always tried to blame on others).

Thanks for the reply, sounds very like our situation, I cant even begin to understand how people like this tick, and I am upset for my dds, they have no grandparents on dhs side as they died before my dc were born.

take the money and put it in savings for your girls or let them spend it on things tehy want.

kate45-my inlaws are no great shakes in the gp department either(though they would deny this!). Go on and on about how much they love gcs but hardly spend any time with them(oh apart from we go to theirs EVERY sunday and they then moan because dcs get fed up as they have nothing to do-apart from sit and watch tv for hours. Babysit once a year,in summer hols when am at the end of my tether and then think of the cheapest place they can take them(even though they are loaded). Could go on and on but appear to be hijacking your thread!.

It's sad that your eldest now knows what gits her GPs can be. My dd rarely visits her dad's mum. It's her choice though as she's 16.

sorry, only just seen these replies, thank you for the advice, I had thought about trying to find some kind of "surrogate" gps but it isn't that easy unfortunately. Maybe I should let the kids do the thank yous, it at least gives us the moral high ground!

I don't see my mam - haven't for 4 years. Initially after the fallout she seen my DC - but after a few months got bored of making an effort and on Christmas Eve decided she didn't want to see them anymore. They were devastated. I begged her to change her mind but never got a reply.

She still sends them cards but each one annoys me - whats the point in pretending you care twice a year? Luckily my DDs are old enough to understand she's a nutcase and now don't want anything to do with her. But for the first few years it massively upset them.

She doesn't bother with my deceased brothers only daughter either - or the son of my adopted brother. Some people just aren't worth the effort. I have tried to sort it out with her but now I just think think shes never going to be the mum/GM that me and my daughters want/need so why bother?

I can't imagine ever ignoring my own DC (they're 15 + 13 now)- or my GC. She wasn't even talking to my brother when he died!! I just thank her for showing me how not to be a parent! - if I ever became capable of being so cruel to my own DD I think I would do myself in. Its supposed to be unconditional (I have hand on heart never done anything to my mum, its all in her head) we have never had any security from my mum. We (me and my DBs) have grew up knowing you either agree or you're out - and all of us were kicked out before we hit 15.

I'd say, if you think she could be the mum and GP you and your DC deserve give her another chance - but by the sound of it she can't so whats the point? I have only recently decided to not make anymore effort with my mum and seriously a great weight lifted off me. Some people are just draining.

Ladela your situation sounds so similar to mine, I am heartbroken for my dds but I have never had a good relationship with my mother so in a lot of ways the silence is a welcome relief. I agree that the cards twice a year seem so pointless, but on the other hand as they send dds money I think sod them, we'll have the money!

I can't comprehend how any mother can be so cold and as you say, at least I have a role model in how not to parent! I also have been brought up along the lines of "our way or the highway", I just never thought they would visit the same misery on their gcs, but anyone who is a crap parent is more than likely not going to be any better a grandparent I suppose.