Inlaws are driving me crazy

[Tezbean]

Sorry, I think this is going to be a long rant.

I've always found my inlaws exhausting - the moment you get in the house the questions start and I feel like a performing seal.

I first met them in the summer of 2009 and then it seemed ok. It was natural they'd ask me lots of questions about my life and my family as they wanted to see if I was right for their DS.

Unfortunately once we got engaged it got worse. We had a short engagement (thank goodness or I would have killed my FIL) and got married in July 2010. We did all the planning ourselves so there needn't have been any stress for anyone else but the way my FIL went on you'd think it was his wedding. Every time we visited there was a barrage of questions/demands
"are you having a line up" - repeated frequently as he didn't like that I said no
"can I have a list of every person that is coming, exactly how you know them and how/if they are related to you"
"what wine are you serving"
"what hymns are you having and in what order"

Once the wedding was over I thought that was it but now I'm pregnant and so it's started again.

"Are you finding out the sex because if you are then we don't want to know and you mustn't tell us?"

"I assume you'll be giving up work"
"I hope you won't be one of those pushy mothers who try and get their child to read and count before they start school - that's what school is for"

Again this was mainly my FIL.

It's really tricky as they don't mean anything by it but they are so different to my own family who leave me more to my own devices which is what I prefer. I am finding it increasingly difficult to hold my tongue and am worried that I'll flip and that will make things really awkward for my DH. I think it's only going to get worse as with the last grandchild they phoned my poor SIL twice a day from the due date (she was 10 days late) and insisted on coming over the moment she went into labour.

I think I just need to get this off my chest but I'm also someone has some words of wisdom!

First thing is to give them a false due date, add 2 weeks on
Dont tell them when you go into labour
Tell the midwives you want no visitors when in labour and for a few hours/day after the birth ( or whatever time you feel)

repeat many times DH ad I havent discussed that yet

and breathe
and some more

Yes do not tell them the baby has been born in order to give yourself a breather......I did this when I got to number 3....because I couldn't face the pitching up and staying all hours when I just wanted to either sleep or feed the baby.

You can say that the Dr said you weren't to have any visitors apart from DH

I haven't told my parents I'm pregnant for much the same reason. Mum was a nurse, midwife and health visitor over her career. I'm dreading it.

Although, when we got engaged and the questions started coming, I told her to write them down as they came to her, and when she had 5 she could email me. She was pretty good at sticking to this.

I think one man's "Why can't these people leave me alone?" is another man's "Wish they would involve me a bit more". Pity if you feel they're interfering, but maybe they're just trying to show an interest.

Absolutely agree with edinburghlass - there was another thread recently about a DIL complaining because her in-laws were going away shortly after the baby was due - I feel a bit sorry for ILs (and parents) - what are they meant to do? It doesn't sound as though your ILs are that obsessive, just being interested.

Very good idea to give them a due date at least two weeks later than expected - hopefully you can then say 'surprise - baby arrived early'.

Agree with the late due date thing.

You need to practice smiling and saying 'Oh thanks, I hadn't thought of that. DH and I will think about it'

Be polite and dismissive, and just pepare yourself each time you have to see them for the crap they will come out with. They can't control what you actually do, no matter what they say.

Definately don't tell anyone when you are in labour.

Expect the level of interest/inteference to tripple once your baby is born.

If they are being to nosey, try asking them questions instead/changing the subject.

Be nice to them. You will be very grateful for babysitters soon.

My kids love their Grandparents I am so glad we made the effort to include all (6) of them.

The late due date thing is absolutely genius!

I think all the questions about what will happen once your baby is here are easily dealt with by smiling and saying 'well, I don't know how I will feel yet - we'll see'. If they keep pushing, you just say 'that's for me and DH to decide. We will let you know when we have'. Presumably your DH is supportive?

Also, maybe get your DH to have a quiet word and tell them that you are very tired etc and need some peace and quiet before the baby comes.

And buy an answerphone and get used to not answering it before the baby arrives. It is perfectly reasonable not to answer the phone if you don't feel like it/want to talk to whoever it is.

Talk to your DH. It's very important that you and he agree together what you want and then present that as a done deal to ILs. Make it clear to him now that you don't want visitors until x days after the birth. You need to establish what your boundaries are now, before the baby is born.

Remember that you don't have to answer the phone. Get caller ID if you don't already have it. Any questions that you don't want to answer, just say 'we haven't decided yet, we'll let you know'.

Not sure what the problem is?

They are not acting negative or hostile or rude even.

Ps Children also ask a lot of questions, so brace yourself.

start as you mean to go on (the longer due date and answer machine ideas are pure gold btw) the questions/opinions will definately increase when the baby arrives. A hundred fold. Gently and deliberatley take control now and nobody gets hurt.

They sound a lot like my in-laws. I'm afraid you might need to be a bit blunt because in my experience, this is the only way they'll get the message. Don't give in to the barage of questions. Just give a minimal response i.e. don't feel obliged to give them a full answer to everything.

"Are you finding out the sex because if you are then we don't want to know and you mustn't tell us?"

"I assume you'll be giving up work"

"I hope you won't be one of those pushy mothers who try and get their child to read and count before they start school - that's what school is for"

These statements all seem pretty negative and hostile to me, iscream. So what if the OP wants to find out the sex, return to work and teach her kid to read? It's really not the kind of thing you ought to be dictating to a new parent before the child is even born!

PILs used to say to me 'I hope you won't be an overprotective parent and will let her stay overnight with us'. As I had an EBF baby who wouldn't take a bottle and screamed if I was out of her sight for a second, it was sod all to do with being overprotective as it happened!