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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset left alone while I am bleeding and pregnant?

18 replies

ssQQ · 22/02/2011 13:55

My pregnancy (5 weeks) was a surprise to everyone, more so because I'm 35... Sadly my OH's parents went mental about it - you'd think he was 17 - and he has been absolutely devastated. I have tried to cut him some slack but I am hormonal and scared and questioning everything right now.

Having had a rubbish week where he could barely speak, he went away for the weekend to sort his head out and talk to friends. Unfortunately on Sunday morning I started bleeding - but through a succession of situations including choosing to go and pick up a new iphone, see other friends and getting a puncture, he only came back to see me 12 hours later. I was distraught. We then spent the whole night in A&E - and he was kind and useful.

This morning I started bleeding again, more seriously, and he chose to go to work, as he said he couldn't let the person he was working for down (she is a musician doing a showcase for Decca... important I know). Again I am devastated, not only to be bleeding but also to be alone. He thinks that lots of women bleed in early pregnancy and there's nothing he can do about it. He says he would come back if I needed to go to hospital - but I need him now.

Am I being unreasonable to expect/hope for a bit more? I am questioning the whole relationship right now. If he isn't going to prioritise me now, is this a massive mistake?

OP posts:

ginnybag · 22/02/2011 13:59

YANBU - it's all new and you're understandably scared beyond measure. He should be with you and, forgive me if I sound harsh, you need to speak to a medical professional.

Get him home and get yourself to A&E! Good luck - hopefully it'll be nothing to worry about and you can have a wonderful pregnancy.

As for his parents - worry about them later. They only have the power you let them have and they're so not your issue right now.

oldwomaninashoe · 22/02/2011 14:00

I am sorry you are going through this. Personally I don't think there are many men who realise how distressing bleeding in pregnancy is.
I think you should just concentrate on yourself and your need at the moment.
Get a cab to A&E or your nearest EPU.
Your are hormonal and need to look after yourself don't start stressing about the state of your relationship X

ShowOfHands · 22/02/2011 14:05

Oh dear. While what he says is true that bleeding is common and there's nothing he can do about that, it doesn't change the fact that you want and need him there.

Do you have a good friend who can come and be with you?

I'm so sorry. I know at 5 weeks a scan won't show anything. Have they taken bloods? What is the bleeding like? Are you in any pain? What were you told in hospital?

abenstille · 22/02/2011 14:06

poor you, yes he needs to prioritise you. My Oh was also a bit distant when we first found out, but got more used to it as the pregnancy progresses and loves her to bits now. I do think the responsibility of it really hits men at first. You need to have a heart to heart with him, and yes get yourself to the hospital - can they do an early scan to test for a heartbeat for you? Try to relax, and grab a friend if he really can't be with you. good luck

Chil1234 · 22/02/2011 14:14

YANBU to question the relationship. The pregnancy may be a surprise but's he's acting like a big kid. What kind of grown man in a long-term relationship (husband? partner?) needs to go away with friends to 'sort their head out' when a pregnancy is announed?

Look after yourself because it doesn't sound as though he cares about anyone but himself. You really see people for what they truly are in a crisis.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/02/2011 14:16

I think the fact that he has gone to work when you're bleeding is ok - he is right that he can't do anything and work commitments should be kept IMO.

I'd be more worried about his reaction to the pregnancy. It isn't totally clear from your post whether he is devastated that you are pregnant, or devastated at his parent's reaction?

You are right to question the relationship - if DH had been anything other than thrilled when we conceived then I would have been questioning things.

Do give your GP a call though - here the EPU won't see you without a GP referral so it isn't worth just turning up.

Fingers crossed that everything is ok.

Mumi · 22/02/2011 14:16

It's not a case of letting the musician down. I'm sure that if he'd turned up to work saying "my DP is at home pregnant and bleeding" she would be aghast that he wasn't turning around and going straight home.

Never mind him anyway, please get yourself to A&E to get this investigated.

Original poster

ssQQ · 22/02/2011 14:17

They did a scan early yesterday morning, and saw a sac, but nothing else as it's so early. I feel like there's no point going back again so soon... And NHS Direct says not to bother unless the bleeding gets much worse or I am in a lot of pain. I am trying to relax and be calm but everything is just such a mess. I am in a certain amount of pain, more than last time, but I don't know what is too much, and in any case if I am losing it, there's nothing anyone can do...

OP posts:

hanreeoak · 22/02/2011 14:48

Sorry for all that your going through at the moment, I had early bleeding with dd1, and was distraught. My bf (now husband) went out clubbing with our friends while I stayed at home alone terribly upset with him. He also went to work the next day. My point is tho now dd1 is 7 and I have a great husband, I think at the time he just did not understand how I felt and also did not know how to cope with the situation.
Hope all goes ok for you.

pink4ever · 22/02/2011 14:52

Sorry op but can you give us some more information? Why are his parents annoyed at pregnancy? What has yur being 35 got to do with anything?. Is he a similiar age because not normal for a grown man to go away to "get his head together". Personally I would be furious that he had left me alone,bleeding and scared.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 22/02/2011 14:52

YANBU I'd be questioning the relationship too. He may not be able to physically do anything but he could be there to support and comfort you.

Original poster

ssQQ · 22/02/2011 15:02

I am 35 - I figured that at best I might have a family one day after a good deal of trying. I certainly didn't think I could get pregnant with one lucky (accidental) shot. I am afraid - particularly after the last week's events - that this will be my one chance at motherhood. Which makes the worry of bleeding even worse.

My OH is 27 and we have been together for 9 months, living together for 2. He is currently a student, having gone back to college to study for a Masters degree. His parents seem to be upset that I have 'trapped' him into this, that it is too soon etc etc. Being let down by them has really upset him - but not exactly been easy for me either.

None of his behaviour is what I would have expected, knowing him for a few years as a good friend prior to being together.

I feel like a hormonal disaster area, with so many enormous questionmarks hanging over everything.

Thank you to everyone for letting me vent and caring enough to reply.

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/02/2011 15:03

ssQQ if you are in pain and still bleeding, please go to the hospital.

I haemorraged at about 9wks and thought it would pass and stop itself eventually, it didn't I was literally close to death, passing out, having to crawl on my knees to stay low enough to maintain BP.

There ARE hormone injections that can be given, sometimes they work, sometimes not, but the medical professionals are assuming you are not alone.

You don't get much time if it starts to go seriously wrong, please go to the A&E where someone can keep an eye on you.

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/02/2011 15:05

I was 38 when I had my DS, all my losses have been after, my sister was 37 when she had her DD, and lost one before.

don't write yourself off yet honey. This one may still be viable, don't give up.

Don't give a second thought about the P, we can deal with him once you are stable one way or another, right now, the only thing that matters is your health.

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/02/2011 15:07

Oh yes, meant to say, Dsis split up with her ex aged about 35 and met her now H and had my DN last year...

pink4ever · 22/02/2011 15:11

27 and he is devastated at his parents reaction? Sorry op but that in itself would ring massive alarm bells for me!(27 should surely be mature enough to tell parents to mind their own business?).
I really hope that things work out for you.Please go to hospital asap if bleeding is heavy.

foreverondiet · 22/02/2011 15:17

Well you say he was kind and useful in A&E. There isn't much he or you can do. I'm sure its very distressing and upsetting but don't write him off. A surprise pregnancy puts a lot of strain on even a good relationship, give him some slack. IMO I think its ok he went to work, I'd let my DH go under similar circumstances if he would otherwise be letting someone down.

re: age - 35 not so old and can have "accident" at any age.

Also IMHO 5 weeks is early to tell people (esp those who are not likely to be keen on the idea).

I really hope this works out for you, but I think the stats are that almost half of all pregnancies end, most at 5-6 weeks.

Panda1234 · 22/02/2011 16:34

ssQQ - get a referral to your nearest Early Pregnancy Unit, either through your GP or NHS 24.

As well as a scan, you can get your hcg (aka pregnancy hormone) levels monitored. They should double every 48 hours; presumably if you've had a scan already then your bloods should also have been taken?

I know how scary bleeding in early pg is, but I wouldn't be too hard on him for going to work.

I hope it all works out ok for you.

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