Not fitting in - AIBU or just paranoid?

[biryani]

Help! I don't seem to fit in with my DD's friends' mums and I would like some opimions on this. I am happy to be flamed - any advice would be greatly appreciated. I live in an urban area which is reasonably "nice" and on the face of it I should have loads in common with them. We have similar incomes, similar backgrounds and our DCs attend the same school. However, I seem to have a completely different outlook from them. I have always sought to to thoughtful and generous towards their DCs, I am always there when they want a favour and their DCs are always welcome at our house. I want a simple, uncomlicated childhood for my DD, and want her to grow up to be generous, thoughtful and to look out for other people. I am quite down to earth in my attitudes towards life, and would expect others to hold similar attitudes, given our similar backgrounds. However, I find the opposite to be the case. I find them cliquey and self-absorbed. Most have been able to cling on to their careers thanks to the (free) support of others. Most favour "activities" over just playing, at great expense. I cannot afford this lifestyle as I can only work part time. None of this would bother me but I feel that, as a result of my not fitting in, that other mums (and sometimes children) sideline my DD. She's an only child and loves company, but I feel that myself and her are looked down upon by these people. I'm not sure if this is just paranoia. Do I need to just get over myself? Am I jealous of their self-satisfied "niceness"? In short, am I BU? Thanks in advance for your comments!

I think it would help to look in different places ...difficult I know :)

I am originally a South Londoner ,I forced myself in to many different groups at my son's primary school to see where I would make friends also .

I think what we think we see in a group of women is never the whole picture .
What we think that group can offer us, is sometimes a big fat nothing !

My friends (before we left) came from all corners/cliques in the playground -my life was richer for it .

It is important to remember that just because one person has A-B-C boxes ticked ,nobody has everything .

Sometimes you will be just the right friend for someone ,and them for you :)

I hope you find some nice women soon -for you, and your little girl .

YANBU one little bit, you are just describing how it is today for many mums. Basically people are just not friendly, no matter how nice you are to their DC it will not make the slightest difference, also there is an element of snobbery which goes on, people take note of the clothes you or your DC are wearing (avoid Tesco brand you will be mocked), the car you drive (go for a 4x4 if you can), the area you live in (detached house preferably),even the shopping bags you use (avoid Lidls, Tescos & Asda) not many mums these days take you for who you are at the school gate, its a me, me, me world. Dont worry about your DD she'll be fine her school friends are unlikely to be as picky as their parents and she'll make friends, but not easy for you, understand where you are coming from.

I put mine in Tesco sometimes and would not DREAM of choosing clothing etc to please other people...if they mock me then it's just a reflection of their own narrow lives.

In fact I delight in not quite fitting in tbh.

[rebel Mum]

collettesmumtotally get where you are coming from too but ,so maybe she needs to try befriend those Mums who couldn't care less what carrier bags you have ?

Of course inverted snobbery is alive and well ,and it is not all as cut and dry as we may like .

My situation was tricky (in some respects ) I have a very( to some )posh-ish voice ...but we are quite poor lol !

What camp do I fit in ?

That is why it is important to try and make friends with all different kinds of women IMO .

It is highly unlikely that you won't make friends with women that also have lovely children too :)

It can be done ... maybe I am just a bit too positive ...I don't know ?

I dont fit in either doley...I'm quite common but my job is quite glam...media based...people are a bit when I tell them what I do....so I made y own camp!

I think it's really important to totally yourself...people can smell a fake a mile off.

Teenybitsad totally agree with you :)

Btw ,I am so not a snob ...just my voice lol !

Funny you should mention " your own camp " that is what I did really ,just had no way of explaining it lol !

Oh, I also used to have a very glamourous job ...blew all my money !!!

lol ! at the end of the day right ?

I can understand very well why you are worried.

I'm freaking out about my DD not fitting in when she starts her school in September.

We live in a 1-bed flat in a 'posh' area with £1 million+ houses.
I'm foreign, penniless and separated from DD's (abusive) father.

I'm doing master's at the moment so not working and my jobs prospects are very poor.

If I could afford it I'd move somewhere else despite living next to an 'outstanding' school but I'm stuck.

I'm really worried DD will be left out because of our financial situation

I completely agree with Teenybitsad.

Snobbery only works if you play the game. If you do your own thing and have confidence in being yourself, then people have nothing to measure you against.

Don't worry Farmazon...my DD's school is FULL of pony clubbery and ski holiday one-upmanship...we go camping but I fit in fine!

We can't afford posh hols...our house is ordinary...but it's fine. The majority of people are nice..they only want happy popular DC...if you're friendly then you'll be fine.

Invite kids for tea aftr a couple of terms when you nkow who your DD likes..they'll come...and any that judge aren't worth knowing!

Teenybitsad, we moved to our house when dd was just 4. Initially she got lifted over the fence to play with the little girls next door, and vice versa. We live in a cul de sac, so as they got bigger they started going out front on their bikes, with someone keeping a watchful eye whilst cleaning the car/weeding the front garden etc and then a few more children appeared.

These days, there is a little group of them that is interchangeable at the weekends. They takes turns to visit each others houses and play outside when the weather is reasonable. As they are all little bit bigger, we don't stand watch over them all the time, but between us, we ALWAYS keep a vague eye on what they are up to. Going past the end of the road is strictly forbidden.

I am really lucky in living where I do though - the neighbours actually TALK to each other, and we had a street party last year. As we are expats, I was very pleasantly surprised that we are living in a proper "community" the likes of which I have not experienced since my childhood estate.

I don't fit in where I live & have given up trying to make friends. I often chat to lots and lots of people, but don't expect to move beyond acquaintance status.

So YANBU in one respect. I am quite convinced that DC's social lives suffers as a result of me not being well-connected to other parents. And it's very obvious that the most "popular" mums have children with the busiest social lives.

Can't see that I can do anything about that, though.

Ah, but do children really need these whirling, every-day busy social lives anyway? When I grew up I had perhaps one activity a week, went to primary school in a different town and so didn't see friends that much outside school and spent a great deal of time just hanging around. And read a lot of books.

Not only did it not stop me being sociable in later life, I also think that learning to be on your own is a good thing. Adam Philips has a good line about this, he says that if children aren't ever bored, they will never be able to know what they really want to do. All these busy children just know what their parents want them to do, and that's not much of a preparation for being an adult.

Teenybitsad

Thank you for kind words..

I know you are right but it's hard not to worry that your child may be unhappy. We just have to wait and see I guess.

I worried all the time about my DD especially at primary school, I found most of the mums had made friends earlier on at playgroups. At primary school at a lot of mum groups were already established. Also I found that it was not only the cliquey (snobby) types who made you feel unwelcome it was also the council house estate mums, they would gather in a bit circle near the school gate looking at every mum who walked through into the playground, I found these mums to be the most unfriendly & intimidating. It really is pot luck with mums, you have to be aware of what you tell them about yourself, gossip about anyone is rife in school playgrounds. My DD once told me that she could'nt take a Tesco carrier bag with her PE kit as other girls would laugh at her for being cheap and this started at the age of 6, had wear a certain make of polo shirt not Tescos, no wonder the groups of mums were divided. Lord help anyone who is remotely different. The next step is the designer bag, about the age of 13/14 this is really important for image & inclusion, its a sad sad world.

Biryani, Don't let this grind you down. Spend a bit of time thinking about where Your and DD's interests lie and pursue activities surrounding them. This may not cost much at all.

If she is interested in wildlife there are usually lots of subsidised local events where you could meet similair people.

Also art galleries, Church events, music festivals and museums. I know you want a simple childhood for her but if you widen your social circle a bit you stand a better chance of meeting families that you really get on with.

excellent advice serin

Hi byriani,

What do you mean when you say others get free childcare? who do they get free childcare from?

What I really don't get is why people have to get so involved with the mums at school just because they have a child? Why do you want to make that your mission to have to be good friends with the mums at the school gates? Hmmmm

Hi byriani,

What do you mean when you say others get free childcare? who do they get free childcare from?

What I really don't get is why people have to get so involved with the mums at school just because they have a child? Why do you want to make that your mission to have to be good friends with the mums at the school gates? Hmmmm

Christmas: by "free" childcare I mean that provided by GPs/relatives. The reason I feel I have to get involved with other mums at school is because I don't want DD to be left out.

carmen: I'm not suggesting for one minute that only certain people can be thoughtful and kind. The DCS are mainly great but the parents seem rather standoffish in the main, and cliquey, but having read the comments this seems to be common. Agree with onesandwich too-perhaps I shouldn't expect to click with random people I otherwise wouldn't meet. parakeet's point rings particularly true-when I was growing up there was never any suggestion that you weren't allowed to play with someone and we all sort of ran about as a gang, and parents didn't seem to figure. Some of us had structured activities such as Brownies or piano - but there was really nothing else to do, so we made our own fun. It didn't matter what we had materially or what our parents did for a living, we just got on with it. Schoolyard politics were simply not an issue.