re pressure from Inlaws...

[idreallyrathernot]

... to spend approx £500 every 6 months or so visiting DHs grandmother abroad.

My Inlaws expect us to do this - it isn't really an option not to. I really resent it.

I know it makes an old lady very happy, but it's a lot of money. We have to stay in a hotel and DS is a toddler, so we all have to go to bed when he does.

Am I being mean?

YANBU

I would feel irritated by it by it too. I would think a trip once or twice every two years would be acceptable. Afterall, it wasn't you that chose to move so far away from the family base. Someone else making that decision and then expecting you to pay £1K/yr, have the hassle of travelling and using up precious holiday time really is a bit much. I say this as the person who is always expected to do the travelling and find my own accomodation (I am the one away from the family base). I find that a real chore at times so I can only imagine how much more of a chore it would feel if it wasn't even my decision.

You say it isn't an option not to go though so I guess it would be more productive to find ways of looking forward to it more/making it cheaper. Not quite sure how though...

"People who are on holiday dont go to bed at 8pm when they take a toddler. The child quite happily sleeps in a buggy while the parents enjoy an evening out" - squeaktoy you may have exceptionally placid children who happily sleep in a buggy when in a restaurant, but it is certainly not always the case! I would put the thought of DS sleeping in a buggy together with pigs flying to be honest

"It isn't an option not to?"

Really?

In that case I'd report the ILs to the police for blackmail and threatening behaviour!

Am I the only one who cannot see why a perfectly articulate woman doesn't just say "No, I'm not going.", with or without the explanation that she doesn't want to/it's a drain on on the family's resources? This is nothing to do with the in-laws! They don't run your life. Is it really that hard just to say no?

Am I the only one who thinks that by the same token the OP's husband has every right to say no too if he wishes or to tell his wife that actually his Nan means a great deal to him and that he will continue to visit her whilst accepting that as the lady is his grandmother the OP has no interest in visiting her and shall no longer be doing so?

Am I the only person who doesn't see why the OP won't compromise by trusting their son's own father to take him on these visits alone - even if her DH only takes DS once a year and goes alone on the other occasion? Yes, I'm sure she'll miss her son but it's not exactly a weekly occurance in the care of a stranger, is it?

Finally.... thank god I'm not the only one who would give her eye teeth to see her Nan again.
Edinburghlass, I feel your pain. :(

I wish that my grandmother was only £500 away.

I think it's quite reasonable to say no, you can't afford it and it's too much for your DS. Your DH can go on his own, you and DS can join him once in a while.

What karma said.

You're not made of money. What you're really afraid of here is the emotional fallout if you try to impose change. Was it her decision to be abroad? I recommend Skype, but she may be opposed to that idea.

'Tis a matriachal society we live in, to be sure. But does she have a history of emotionally blackmailing family?

My advice (glib though I realise it is) is not to let her.

Have a chat with DH, voice your concerns. Remove the emotion from it, and look at your finances together. I think there should be a holiday budget for the year, and that you should only be visiting her every other year. Do something with your family on alternate years (or just the 3 of you), otherwise there's an imbalance here.

If she offered to finance it, would you still resent going? If so, for you it's not just the money, but also the time and energy involved.

It's OK to initiate change, even though she won't like it. There are other ways to stay in touch with her.

Also, really consider DH taking your DC alone at least once, and see how that is for all of you. Depending on the distance, it doesn't have to be for more than a few days?? And then you can have some time to yourself to luxuriate in selfishness.

They 'may' thank you later. Don't worry, they'll come home and be thoroughly grateful to see you!!