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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send my ex-step dad a congratulations on your divorce card?

29 replies

nannyl · 21/02/2011 16:20

He entered my life when i was 15

told me to my face (at 2nd meet) how much he dislikes me, and how he loved my mum more than me...
told me how i was unwelcome in his house
told me if i was his daughter i would be on the streets
made it very cleer how he felt about my dad supporting me and my sister through school.... he thought it was discusting that we were in full time eductaion, when we hadnt even reached legal school leaving age
made up a load of crap about my dad
banned my mum from seeing me
when i nearly died in a serious road accident (was a pedestrain hit at 50mph!) wouldnt visit me (or let my mum) for a week... and when he did all he could do was moan about his camera
he has followed / stalked me and our hous(to the point where neighbours called police)

made mine and my sisters lives hell.
he was nasty and two faced bully and acted differently to everyone else

he made my mothers life hell... he suffocated her personality, and made out she couldnt leave him.

he violently attacked me.... gave me 7 bruises, and strangled me... my mum had to remove his hands from my neck.
Tried to emotionaly blackmail me, as always worked with my mum "You go to the police and Ill kill myself and your mum will be miserable for ever as it will be your fault!" (My responce, "go kill yourself, see if i care and then my mum wont have to bother divorcing you"... and next time i saw him "Oh i thought youd be dead by now?")

(I did go the police, he was arrested spent time in cells and was convicted of assulting me ... I have therefor ruined his life [ yes its on any crb check...

he has been so so so nasty.... we have had so many nasty arguements (but he only turned violent on me once) and always made out that my mum was his now.... and how she always would be, and she would and could NEVER divorce him.

Hes a nasty spitelful bully

anyway after 15 years my mum has finally seen the light, and even though he wont "let her" she is just weeks from being legally divorced from the vile man

my mum is happy again

I have promised to not contact him UNTIL SHE IS DIVORCED (so as to not complicate it and give him any ammunition to slow it down etc)
I have been very restrained and not contacted him at all.

Anyway i want to send him a congrats on your divorce card, just to piss him off cheer myself up.... the man is vile.

Will be short and sweet.... how happy my mum is.... how happy i am, and that im having a baby and being a SAHM, (something he hates, and will really irritate him that i dont have to work!)
How well my sister is doing.
how well my grandparents are (and can he refrain from harrasing them and barging in there house univited in future)

Im sure he'l throw it in the bin...

BUT this man has made my life a living hell, and nearly ruined my relationship with my mum forever (which i swear WAS his genuine wish and intention)

and it will make me feel better

More of a ha ha i told you she'd divorce you!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 21/02/2011 16:22

Tempting as it would be, lol... no, I wouldnt.

MaryBS · 21/02/2011 16:23

I did something similar to my ex-SIL who put my brother through hell, I was in my teens at the time. Only I sent her one entitled "in the loss of a husband". She completely flipped and her mum phoned my mum to complain. It made my brother's week though!

Original poster

nannyl · 21/02/2011 16:24

oooh "loss of wife" Even better

OP posts:

pjmama · 21/02/2011 16:24

Don't stoop to his level. Just be glad your mum has seen the light and thankful this piece of shit is finally out of your lives.

Timbachick · 21/02/2011 16:31

Much as I want to agree with pjmama and say don't stoop to his level I would be sorely tempted by marybs's suggestion and send a "loss of wife" card ... absolutely inspired.

I would, however, if you decide to send the card, not put anything remotely informative in it - no details of pregnancy, sahm etc. He is out of your lofe and doesn't need any information about you at all - all it would be is ammunition.

P.S. Am happy for the upturn in yours and your mum's life with the departure of such an overbearing bully.

MadamDeathstare · 21/02/2011 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twit · 21/02/2011 16:35

He sounds alot like my ex step mother.
I really understand why you want to, but I wouldn't do that, at least wait for things to calm down, you don't want to make things harder for your mum.
I hope you and your family have fun making up for lost time.

MadamDeathstare · 21/02/2011 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker · 21/02/2011 16:35

Why you want to contact him? He sounds appalling. He doesn't get to know how scared you've been, how angry you are, how hurt. He just doesn't get to know because you and your mum won't be letting him in - literally or emotionally anymore. He is dead to you - not just dead, obliterated. (If wishing made it so ) So he gets no attention from you at all. Don't feed his ego and don't waste your time on him in anyway.
If anything is needed then see a solicitor and get them to write on behalf of all family members to say contact of any sort is unwelcome.

yogididabooboo · 21/02/2011 16:38

Whilst i can understand your motives it would be childish and antagonistic.

do not send anything

Twit · 21/02/2011 16:39

I agree with MadamDeathStare, the best punishment for some one like him will be you all getting on without him, he probably won't be able to comprehend how your mum can survive without him.

I have a feeling this won't be the last you hear from him either if he has stalked you before, so do all take care.

Original poster

nannyl · 21/02/2011 16:41

i dont think he'l be able to do anything to me as i have moved 250 miles away.

he didnt stop mum doing anything per se... but did stop her (or at least try to) from doing anything with me!!!!

My mum had LOADS of friends before meeting him, who became his friends sort of, but now mum isnt with him they dont see him anymore...
some of their friends were his friends and their partners and apart from a couple (who took some of mums possesions from his house and passed them onto mum so she didnt have to see him, (she knew if he saw her he'd probably make her stay / go back, so hasnt seen him and wont ever see him again)

she also has a lovely new man who is just a million times nicer than my step dad! We like him, he likes us, we are hinestly happy again and i never thought we would be!
(would have been quite tricky as my baby would NEVER have met my step dad, making family events tricky, luckily that is no longer an issue)

OP posts:

Original poster

nannyl · 21/02/2011 16:43

(he doesnt know where i am and never will)

My sensible head says dont..... but it will make ME feel better, and after the crap he has put me through id just like to stick a final 2 fingers up to him!

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 21/02/2011 17:04

Send the loss of wife card, why not. At the end of the day he lost, I would put in it 1-0.

Ha ha ha

pinklaydee · 21/02/2011 17:07

I'm so glad for you and your mum that this man is out of your lives. All the best for her future happiness!

Original poster

nannyl · 21/02/2011 17:09

ooooooh

what an even better idea!

and no info about me and my life / family...
(which im sure he'l here on the grapevine of life anyway...)

just the in your face that i won in the end... ...

yes yes yes.... even after he attacked me (and my mum went bac) in one of our next arguements, he made it clear how he could do anything, and she would NEVER leave.... ie had had attacked me... and she was still there.... (just to prove that she would never leave.... im sure he was proud of it!)

GRRRRRRR what a bastard!

OP posts:

ratspeaker · 21/02/2011 17:22

Tempting though it is, dont do it.
Dont give him the satisfaction of knowing he's provoked any emotion in you at all, that's what he's sought to do since he first met you, to provoke you and see your reaction
Dont reward that
Spend the money on some wee treat for your mum

Maybe a congratulations card for HER

Make the divorce about her new life

ladela · 21/02/2011 17:43

I wouldn't just incase there is any repercussions from it, though I would be really tempted. Remember a life well lived is the best revenge - leave him to rot in his misery and you enjoy having your mum back. People like that only see things their way anyway - he'll read the card and will no doubt moan to anyone who will listen how justified he was with his opinion of you. He knows you've got your mum back and he'll be spitting feathers - revenge enough I think.

Tanith · 21/02/2011 17:55

My love, even though you are more than justified, even though you have the sympathy and understanding of probably everyone on here (a major achievement!), please, please don't risk this evil man coming after you or your mother. From what you say of him, I wouldn't do anything to further antagonise him: he's going to be wound up enough as it is.

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/02/2011 18:29

Don't waste your time, energy or life on him, he's taken so much of it already.

Send your mum the biggest bunch of flowers you can afford and a bottle of bubbly if you can stretch to it! Tell her how proud you are of her, and that this is one of the happiest days in your life.

Congratulations from us all to YOU, Nannyl, you sound like you have been through horrific experiences, but have come through them all and are still kicking ass! You got your mum back! Yeay!!!

Silver1 · 21/02/2011 18:35

Walk away.

And if in a few years when the euphoria has worn off, don't be too surprised if you feel angry at your mum for putting you through all of that. He only could be that way because she enabled him to.

GiddyPickle · 21/02/2011 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maelstrom · 21/02/2011 18:47

"don't engage with the crazy" is the best advice.

You can dance on his dead body, but if he is such a bad person, sending such card will bring more misery to you and your mum. Do you want him to stalk your mother too?

Help the poor woman and keep her safe by leaving this madman alone. Going through a divorce is a dreadful task, you don't want to make it even worse for her just to get some satisfaction, do you??

mayorquimby · 21/02/2011 20:18

much as he deserves it and tempting as it seems don't.
As others have said engaging the crazy will only encourage it and instigate more crazy behaviour.

tubsandedward · 21/02/2011 20:22

Don't do this, he sounds like a madman. Do not put your mother at risk. If you taunt him, who knows where it might end

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