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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is a really nasty generalisation re lone parents?

50 replies

elastamum · 21/02/2011 13:06

Just seen this comment regarding us LP's on another thread I hav been reading

'nice things don't happen to them other then when they get pregnant with another child from a different father to the others'.

Am gobsmacked

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 21/02/2011 13:34

NoSuchThingAsSociety, I must admit I would be wary of getting involved with someone who had been married 3 times. It could be that he wasn't good at taking the rough with the smooth, or that he had poor judgement/ had rushed into things.

Otoh, I wouldn't rule him out completely. He might have been unlucky, or the relationships could have ended because his wives had cheated or something.

People will draw conclusions, that's true. But sometimes they are not fair conclusions and we should look at individuals and see why something has turned out a certain way.

The thing that would be my main concern is how a person has behaved as a parents. I would view a man very badly who had loads kids he couldn't afford to support and who made no effort to see them once a relationship was over. A man who was a good father would be viewed in a more positive way, even if he'd had a lot of failed relationships.

adamschic · 21/02/2011 13:36

Also meant to add, why do you think you are superior having only one man impregnate you. Has your ex had another family?

mamadiva · 21/02/2011 13:38

My mum has just had her third divorce.

I have 3 siblings, only 2 of us have the same dad. But that's only because they are twins :o

My brother and I are closer than a lot of full brothers and sisters I know.

It nakes no odds to me nor should it bother anyone else if there are children by different fathers or several marriages.

bristolcities · 21/02/2011 13:39

IloveTIFFANY is the point your trying to make that you would rather be a lone parent with the possibility of having two different dad to as many children than be in a crap relationship for the sake of keeping up appearances and not fitting in to a negative stereotype?

adamschic · 21/02/2011 13:47

Also to Fabbychic, not that it's relevant but afaik and I've had to think about this because it has never occurred to me to question it before, but all the lovely ladies that post on the thread have children by one father, just like yourself. Not that we would care if they had 5 DC's by 5 different fathers, just stating we are not representative in your stats.

Sorry but this mumsnetter has really riled me and I'm on my lunchbreak and my boss (oh er) keeps walking in, hence cutting my posts short.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/02/2011 13:47

I don't think it makes a difference to many people now but perhaps it's confusing and sad to some children, particularly where the father of one is a 'good dad' and the father of another isn't. Where there's a difference in fathers, how can it not hurt a child? :(

I don't think it's fair to say that it's nobody's business how many children are born to how many fathers... it matters to the children and they have a right to feel an equal part of the family.

I'm gobsmacked that fathers aren't made to financially support their children from birth to 18 years old. If they don't, they shouldn't be allowed to have more children at all, with anybody. There are feckless men about who don't care but there are also feckless women who aren't that bothered either.

GypsyMoth · 21/02/2011 13:49

Keeping up appearances? Never, because I don't think that is ever true.

And yes posie,i feel damn good that I got out of an abusive relationship!! I'm proud I did it,and can offer advice to women in similiar positions. I am actually astounded by the amount of CRAP some women put up with!

Glamour · 21/02/2011 13:50

im a LP and just take that comment with a pinch of salt, yes i do plan to have more children in the future, so obviously my children would have different dads! and nice things happen to me on a daily basis.

if someone has some kind of chip on their shoulder about being a single mum then thats their problem not mine

GypsyMoth · 21/02/2011 13:50

Adamschic.........which mumsnetter was it? Any clues?

mumbar · 21/02/2011 13:51

I'm a lone parent, have been for 5 years. Yes it would be lovely to meet someone, have more DC's, (who will have diff dad to DS!) BUT I can assure people my life is full enough. Its a dream not a be all or end all.

ThePosieParker · 21/02/2011 13:52

There's no need to be smug that some women are putting up with some god awful stuff is there?

Well done for getting out though, some of us really don't have the courage.

GypsyMoth · 21/02/2011 14:01

Maybe smug is wrong word.

But some women bleat on that they won't go in a hostel/they will lose their 'lifestyle'/don't want to lose their precious house or upset the in laws....... Yet in the same post they reveal awful abuse, not only of themselves, but their children too. And won't do a thing about it because they are scared they will lose out on a Biden filled wardrobe, or some such materialistic excuse.

Been here too long, frustrated by it all!!!! Being a lp is difficult wether one or several fathers are involved, but it's preferable to being abused. And worse,some women don't see what is happening to them is actually abusive, they think it's normal!!!So no, not smug, just relieved I think!!

bristolcities · 21/02/2011 14:34

'Boden filled wardrobe' so um yes you are talking about keeping up apearences!

manicbmc · 21/02/2011 14:36

I'm a lone parent! It's bloody fantastic not having to put up with the passive-aggresive bullshit anymore or being made to doubt my own mind and feel crap.

I have no intention of having anymore kids though maybe I would feel differently if I was 10 years younger.

JustaNickname · 21/02/2011 14:56

I was with my partner for 5 years and tried my absolute hardest to make the relationship work. I can honestly say I he will never have another partner that was as good to him as i was. Now that the relationship has ended and I am now a lone parent to my son one of the things that has always bothered me is that in the future I would like to meet someone else and have more children but they would obviously have different dads.

At the end of the day as long as your happy, your children are safe and you know you tried your hardest to make a relationship work why shouldn't you move on and be happy in the future and have more children just because they have different fathers. Its pathetic that people would judge someone on this.

GypsyMoth · 21/02/2011 14:57

Bristol....... I had on particular mumsnetter in
Mind when I wrotethat rant!! Every excuse under the sun to stay with her abusive husband! I personally don't own boden garments!!! Lol

BooyFuckingHoo · 21/02/2011 14:58

"I am not sure what the statistics are, but if someone wants to refute MY statement can they do so with facts? Not assumptions."

so you post a vague assumption and yet demand that any counter argument be backed up with facts?

LadyOfTheManor · 21/02/2011 14:59

I wish someone would provide a link.

bristolcities · 21/02/2011 15:18

I didn't say you did IloveTIFFANY im not a Boden girl but each to there own. I was just highlighting the contradiction because i asked a question that could have been answered with a simple yes. And as it goes i agree with your round about way of saying its better for mum and child to be part of a lone parent family or have half siblings, step parents etc than in a terrible relationship for the sake of being the 2.4 family. I'm sure most people would.

I'm a lone parent and i cant think of anything better than meeting someone who restores my faith in men so much so i that could that have another baby.

adamschic · 21/02/2011 15:34

Thinking a bit more about this I would say that it's more likely that a woman in a current relationship would have 2 or more children by more than 1 father, so no good hiding behind stats that are a figment of someones imagination.

I'm a lone parent and love it most of the time, don't need to rely on a man for anything, but can still enjoy male company if I wish to, bloody great!

SashaFierce · 21/02/2011 21:20

adamschic

you discussed the thread in question in the LP section - fair enough - but in your discussions you implied that the OP was not welcome on MN because she is single and childless???

smokinaces · 21/02/2011 21:27

Glamour exactly what I was thinking.

I could sit here smugly thinking both my children are by the same father. However, I am only 28 and do not rule out having any more kids. Therefore I could well be 40 with 2 sets of children from 2 different fathers in 12 years.

Generalisations about single mums are like water off a ducks back to me now. Apparently we are all benefit scrounging, council housed, smoking, teenage, uneducated scum and the bottom of society.

Divorce and death can happen to any relationship. Lone parents are not all the same.

adamschic · 21/02/2011 21:28

Sasha, you are wrong on both counts. We were skeptical as to why woman without DC's would join mnet to start such a thread.

SashaFierce · 21/02/2011 21:36

What threads would have been acceptable?

I for one don't care if the story is true or not and I know that being a public forum, people will say anything.

Just because issues like that have been talked about before, it doesn't mean they will never come back again? Surely there wouldn't be anything to talk about if that was the case?There would have been an outrage if anyone had said the same on a DV or any other sensitive topic.

OP - YANBU the comment is hideous and should just be ignored

adamschic · 21/02/2011 21:54

We weren't being nasty just having a laugh about it. It was a few who were wetting their knickers over it that were nasty to us.

I did apologise to Boobjob when she came onto the LP thread, in the event that I was mistaken but she didn't respond.

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