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Original poster

Should I move back home following split?

17 replies

OhWesternWind · 20/02/2011 20:52

This is more of a WWYD sorry.

Here's a quick history. Ex left us very suddenly around a month ago, no real explanation and little contact since. I am on my own with two dcs age 5 and 8. We live in the Midlands and originally I come from Lancashire and I'm thinking seriously about moving back there.

Pros of moving
We would be near my mum who the children and I all love. I want my mum Smile
My mum could help out with childcare
My mum would be company for me
I could help out my mum as she gets older, something that worries me a lot as she has no-one nearby.
The town my mum lives in is lovely and in a wonderful area
There is a superb grammar school in the town
We could have a dog (something the dcs have wanted for ages) and share care with my mum
We would be away from emotionally and physically abusive ex

Cons of moving
I would have to find a job in Lancashire - yikes, no self-confidence for doing this. Big point against.
Selling/buying a house
I don't know many people in Lancs apart from my mum and some other more distant family so it would be a whole new start in many ways.
It would be more upheaval for the children
We would have to move fairly soon to let the children settle in before the move to secondary school (dd is in Year 5 in September)
The house we could afford would be smaller and not as nice as the one we have now.

Pros of staying
We are in a familiar place/house
We have some good neighbours and friends here
The children are settled in a nice primary school
I have a good job
We have all our routines, clubs, friends ie a settled life here

Cons of staying
It would be difficult to keep the house on as it needs a lot of work doing and there is a big garden which takes a lot of time and effort to keep looking good
There is an issue looming about secondary schools as the ones round here are not good
We are near ex who will continue to play his games with (me and) the children as long as he's able
I don't have any family here to give support - I do have friends but it isn't the same

So, what would you do? What should I do? This is really doing my head in as I can't make my mind up one way or another at all. As soon as I start thinking one way is best, I think of a lot of reasons why I should do the opposite! Help please!

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 20/02/2011 20:58

Hmm I think in your situation I'd move. The upheaval at their age will be relatively shortlived and you can rapidly build a new social network. Plus if their dad has just left, having Nana around might be really nice for them.

Mind you, I did something similar and it did work for me, so others might think differently: after my parents split my mum and I moved in together whilst I was studying and I paid her rent. So we were actually living together.... but it worked really well and provided valuable support when we were both unsettled.

Good luck :)

RevoltingPeasant · 20/02/2011 20:59

Plus, you can find a job, you just have to be not too picky flexible.

stoppinchingthedummy · 20/02/2011 21:01

I think only you can make this desicion , I lived in a lovely place in lancashire- clitheroe ,when i was 11 till i was 17 :D Any way thats irrelevant to you ,if you feel the support from your mum outwieghs the other things then do it. The children will settle in new schools very easily ,kids adapt and house size isnt as important imo as your happiness ,for you or your children's sake. Hope that made sense im super tired tonight :)

readywithwellies · 20/02/2011 21:01

I would go, but bear in mind, it may not be very easy to sell your house. My house which is in a good condition has been for sale for 8 months and has had two viewings and no offers.

thefurryone · 20/02/2011 21:01

Sorry you're having a hard time at the moment. I would say that it is still early days to be getting used to a new set of circumstances, and emotions will be very raw. I would suggest that you hold off from making any life chaning decisions for a few months and stop putting pressure on yourself to do so until things have settled down a little.

Would it be possible to have an extended visit with your Mum (thinking maybe a week or two) in the meantime, you'd be able to get some support from her and maybe check out some of the practicalities of moving?

parakeet · 20/02/2011 21:04

You poor thing.
I would move so your children have their grandma nearby.

parakeet · 20/02/2011 21:05

Also it sounds like you might have to move anyway when it comes to secondary school time.

2rebecca · 20/02/2011 21:11

If your husband has just recently left then I see no rush to decide to move.
I would leave things for another few months until you are settled down after the separations and then decide.
Also if you meet a new bloke will you want your parents popping over all the time?
Getting good jobs isn't easy at the moment and the kids will be coming to terms with 1 change without having several others (new house, new school, mum in new job ?further away from dad so not seeing him much) thrown at them.

Chocolocolate · 20/02/2011 21:17

Any chance your mum can come and stay with you for a while?

Original poster
OhWesternWind · 20/02/2011 21:26

Hi RevoltingP - good to know something similar has worked for your mum and you. It's time like these that family is really important. The job thing is a real biggie though!

Dummy - not at all irrelevant as by an amazing coincidence it's Clitheroe that I'm talking about! Small world. Did you find it easy to settle in there moving age 11?

Wellies - yes, I don't know how the practicalities of selling the house and all that would work out. But tbh that might have to happen whichever area we stay in as financially I am unsure what will happen and if I can afford it.

FurryOne - that's a good thought and it's something that has crossed my mind too. But it is now that the children and I really need some help and support.

Parakeet, they would love to have their grandma nearby and we (as a family) almost moved back north a few years ago but it didn't work out as ex's parents chose that time to move 2 miles away from us here. So it's something I have been thinking about for a long time.

Rebecca - oh I know, you're right!!

Chocolocolate - my mum has been great and has been down to stay with us several times already, and is here again Tuesday. But I feel bad dragging her up and down on the train all the time and I know she is finding it hard financially.

Oh this is so difficult! My heart says one thing and my head the other.

Thanks for your replies so far, it's really interesting to know what other people think.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhWesternWind · 21/02/2011 12:11

Shameless bumping - would really appreciate your thoughts!

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 21/02/2011 12:16

I'd move for the new start and a more positive outlook for the future.

Original poster
OhWesternWind · 21/02/2011 13:07

Thanks Fabby, it would be good to make a new start away from all the memories that this place has for us. Some are good but a lot are negative due to the problems we have had with ex over the years. It would be lovely to put some distance (literally) between us. I would sleep a lot easier at night not having to worry about bumping into him in town all the time!

OP posts:
MamaVoo · 21/02/2011 13:22

I'd move. I was going to ask whether your mum would consider moving nearer to you, but I think being away from your abusive ex is important.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

babyapplejack · 21/02/2011 13:24

I'd go back to Lancashire. Your kids can get new clubs, would have thought that the youngest particularly will make new friends easily.

Original poster
OhWesternWind · 21/02/2011 13:43

Hi MamaVoo - we have asked my mum if she would consider moving and she won't. She has lived there for around 40 years and it wouldn't be fair to ask her to uproot herself at her time of life. Thanks for your good luck wish! I need it Smile

BabyApple - thanks for that. I think the children would settle fine, it's me really that might have the problems as I'm not a person to find it easy to make friends.

I think I really want to go. If I found a job there I would go tomorrow. I am going to talk to my mum tomorrow when she comes down for her half term visit/help out.

OP posts:
Slambang · 21/02/2011 13:52

OK - so toss a coin. Heads you go. Tails you stay.

You toss..........

.... it's tails. You're staying.

So how does that feel? What's your gut reaction? Relief? Disappointment?
Now, imagine your life in 3 years time having stayed. What's it like now? Does the future feel good?

Then try it the other way round. It's heads. What's your gut reaction? What does the future look like now?

I think you probably know the answers already!

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