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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to take my 4 yr out at 8pm?

45 replies

unlucky67 · 20/02/2011 15:31

My DP really likes football and wants to go out to watch the football on Tue nights.

DD1 has brownies that night and I have to pick her up at 8pm.
If he goes out I have to take DD2(4yo)with me (in the car) - we would be out about 30 mins getting back at approx 8.20pm.

AIBU saying that I don't think DP should go?

OP posts:

Underachieving · 20/02/2011 17:08

Your 4 year old doesn't go to bed until 8.30pm, often 9pm, you get in from picking the eldest up at 8.20. Unless I'm much mistaken that gives you time to get the little one to bed, your issues seem to be...

That you feel worn down by your children playing up.
That you feel worn down by a lack of committment to parenting by your partner as the one night of the week he chooses to go out is the one night when there's hard work to be done.I don't think it's even an issue about if you should take your 4 year old out at 8pm, I think it's an issue about feeling as though you get all the work dumped on you.

I think you should let him have his Tuesdays but get the ballance back in the relationship by insisting that you also have a named night of the week off. On that night, whether you go out or stay in, you are totally unavailable for any housewife/parent/partner duties whatsoever.

tazmosis · 20/02/2011 17:14

Where does it say that her 4 yr old doesn't go to bed until 8.30pm or 9pm?

The op has implied that her DD goes earlier than this and gets overtired if kept up late.

Or have I missed something?

foreverondiet · 20/02/2011 17:20

I have the same thing if DH is home from work late on a monday with brownies. I don't mind taking my 4 YO as he refuses to go to bed before she gets home, its the baby that is a problem as he goes to bed at 6.30pm!

So just for once a week YAB (a little) U.

Your 4 YO can be in Pj's had story, teeth brushed all ready to go bed when you get in.

I am going to ask neighbours son (aged 14) to come round for 20 mins.

caughtinanet · 20/02/2011 17:27

OK, I see your DD2's bedtime is 8.30-9pm so I don't see where the problem is. You say you get back from the Brownies at 8.20 so that seems enough time.

Is it just that you don't think you should have to pick up every week while your DH is out ?

If he's just not prepared to help then the question is whether you think Brownies is worth the hassle.

I can see its annoying but still don't see where the problem is exactly.

Original poster

unlucky67 · 20/02/2011 19:57

The problem is it wakes her up and when she gets home she is wide awake and together with DD1 being hyper - she didn't get to sleep last time until nearly 10pm...we both had a miserable time.
Look out the window - this is just about leaving for brownies time ...then imagine it is pouring with rain and freezing cold - I don't want to go out - never mind take a small child out (and the car isn't just outside the door - we have to walk up to the road)...
She is also getting to the stage where she is getting tired earlier (DD1 at DD2's age was in bed by 8pm it is just trickier when they have an older sibling and I am (usually) on my own..)

DD1 loves Brownies..to make her give up so he can watch football? Would you make your child stop doing something they loved so you could have a soak in the bath/read a good book/go to the pub etc etc? It wouldn't enter my head...

OP posts:

Original poster

unlucky67 · 20/02/2011 20:05

BTW I do the accounts for the Brownies. We can't start any earlier because ballet is on in the hall and some of the brownies also do ballet...we did used to finish at 8.15pm and shortened the time to make it a bit earlier but it does normally run over a bit.
I do know most of the other parents but they have their turn shares in place...as I did before the older ones left at Christmas ...the only person it would be an advantage for is me...and then only until Easter and most of them live in the opposite direction...

OP posts:

macdoodle · 20/02/2011 20:10

Oh well, as LP this is a common thing for me, as I have a big age gap, a almost 10yr old and a just 3 yr old. DD2 gets dragged round everywhere in DD1's wake, we do bath and pj's in between pick ups and drops offs, its a pain yes. Even DD1 bless her realises it, and has promised when she is older she will ferry DD2 around
Actually am not sure if YABU or not, as single parent I just have to get on with it, and TBH when my XH was around I did anyway as he was mostly in the pub and the resentment, anger and bitterness almost destroyed me, so maybe you need to talk to him about priorities and family. Personally I would never put up with that again. I prefer to be by myself.
On the other hand if he is mostly a good guy..........

foreverondiet · 20/02/2011 20:32

Ask the brown owl to send round an email asking for a brownie rota for pick up - then you'd only have to do 1 in 3 or 4 and this could be a good compromise with your DH - he only has to miss football 1 in 3 or 4.

alemci · 20/02/2011 20:41

yes the rota thing is a really good idea. I used to always do lift shares with people and still do with scouts.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 21/02/2011 07:43

If you can't arrange the rota (which sounds like a really good idea & I bet there will be parents willing to do it) then I think your DH is definitely BU.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 21/02/2011 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saffy85 · 21/02/2011 07:53

YABU. My mum was on her own with no car and used to take me aged 4 to get my sister from Brownies in the buggy dressed in my pjs with a coat over them as I was too tired to walk at that time. I survived.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 21/02/2011 07:59

I'm not sure, I have dc's a similar age and usually DH is around on the night that dd has browies or whatever but it also wouldn't bother me too much if I had to take the younger 2 out with me.
It is all about compromise for me TBH but then DH and I both compromise, if he ahd something that was only on Brownie night even if it was going to the pub then I would ust get on with it because he loves football and he can't change the night it is on and I can't change dd's Brownie night.

compo · 21/02/2011 08:01

Yanbu op
I wouldn't want to go out in the cold darknights either withmy four year old
evenings are for relaxing
and the wine gets opened at 7pm round here after bedtime, not the front door

RealityIsKnockedUp · 21/02/2011 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 21/02/2011 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Francagoestohollywood · 21/02/2011 08:12

8 is hardly the middle of the night, there is a vast portion of the world population who is having dinner at this time.

However, I do agree that if your d's bedtime is considerably earlier than 8, it is a big inconvenience for her. Your dp should either pick d from Brownies and then go to the pub, or wait until you are back from picking her up and then go to the pub.

specialmagiclady · 21/02/2011 08:13

When I first read the OP I thought the dp was at least going to watch the football live - at a match. Which I think would be ok. But at the pub? Er... no.

Unless he arranges - and pays for - an alternative.

(Above with cross voice).

Below, with reasonable voice:

Darling, I think it's a great idea that you have a social life. But we have this problem. You normally are here for DD2 - so who's going to do that? I'm doing the Brownie run so I can't. But anyway, I'm off to be terribly busy doing something else. Maybe give [name of local teenager] a call and see if he/she can cover the gap. I bet he/she would be grateful for an extra fiver a week.

Anonymousbird · 21/02/2011 08:19

Difficult one, my DC (6 and 5) are in bed at 7.30, though possibly one night mid week stay up til 8 (though in PJ's and absolutely ready for bed).

Have her ready for bed and straight in when you get home. Take her a blanket and teddy to settle with in the car and just carry her in at 8.20?

saffy85 · 21/02/2011 08:19

Ahh I see that now reality. It's early and I've had a baby doing the macerana on my bladder half the night

That's a bit out of order OP. If he wants to fuck off to the pub that particular night he should find a solution to this problem. (cough up for a babysitter, find someone who can definately bring te older girl home from Brownies etc)

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