to be unhappy with how my friend returned baby clothes?

[choceyes]

One of my closest friends had a baby 3 months after I had my DS (they are now 2.3yrs and 2yrs). At the time I gave her lots of DS's outgrown clothes as she had a boy too. I gave her a big pile of newborn clothes, which she did return after using. Then I gave her a big bag of 3-6 month clothes.

Around the time her DS turned 6 months she moved from England to her home town of Ireland. I kind of expected her to have given me the clothes back before she went but she took them with her. I was happy about it cos I knew that she would be making trips back to England as her OH has family here.

When I gave her the clothes we weren't decided that we were going for number 2 and told her that it doesn't matter, she can keep the clothes as long as she wants, no hurry, cos we are not planning a baby anytime soon.

but I got pregnant unexpectedly and now have a 6 month old DD.

Last year when I was about 6 months pregnant when we talked and she mentioned that she had sent the clothes by post 3 weeks ago and had i received them? i was quite bemused by this as no I haven't received them and I wasn't expecting her to have sent the clothes by post. She had used her mum's free posting service from work. it was send by normal post and not tracked.

The clothes never reached me.

Am I being unreasonable for

1. being upset that the clothes have got lost. they were quite expensive clothes (PFB!) and I was looking forward to using them for my DD.
2. Thinking that she should have sent the clothes by tracked mail, or even better brought it to my house on one of her visits to England (she visited me a few months after she moved).
3. Thinking that at least an apology is in order. She has never apologised for losing my stuff, not even when I texted her saying how upset I was at losing them.
4. thinking that she should offer me some money towards new clothes?

I probably won't take the money, but it would have been nice to have the offer. I certainly would have done so if I did what she did. I would be mortified at the loss. She said that she will apply for compensation from the post office...this was nearly 9 months ago now and still haven't heard from her about it and even then the compensation money wouldn't have covered what I lent her.

I'm sad to have lost a good friend though over this. we still keep in touch via FB but we haven't spoken since April last year.

I agree with lockets I have clothes that have been worn by 4/5 different siblings/cousins/friends and are still perfectly wearable.

If I pass clothes on I don't expect to see them again but I have had people give them back if they don't have anyone else to give them to.

Its a shame this has happened and the only thing you can do it learn for the future and be more specific when you lend something or stop passing things on which would be a shame as its a great way to a bit for the environment.

I am also at the thought that the clothes would all be ruined and worn out after one other child wearing them. What on earth do you people do to them?

Loads of DD's clothes were hand me downs. They have since been through 2 other babies - and the unisex stuff has been through 3 -, and are now back to me again as I am pregnant.

Before I lent out anything the first time I picked out all the stuff that was remotely stained/shrunk/stretched and put it in a rag collection bin. It was only a handful of things, mainly really cheap vests.

Everything I got back was in good condition too. OK some of it might have had to be thrown away, but most of it is perfectly fine.

I had an understanding with one friend that the clothes would come back after use, as we were TTC. I didn't with the other, but she gave them back anyway, which I was pleased about. She also gave me some other stuff that wasn't originally mine.

To be honest, if a friend had lent me loads of clothes, then I would certainly lend/give her some in return if she later became pregnant - even if they weren't the same ones she had lent me. It's a bit one-sided otherwise, isn't it?

YABU.You say yourself you GAVE her the clothes

You're choosing clothes over a friend?

Why give them to your friend in the first place if you were wanting them back? Seems a bit strange to me lending out baby clothes, either you don't want them any more or you do!

Shineon it's 2 different op's, maybe check before you call someone a troll?

I have a friend who does this and its a pita. Her ds isn't much bigger than mine now so it won't go on for much longer. For the last 6 years she has given me bags of stuff, I put it in the loft and 6 months later give it back. I can't be arsed with having to look after 2nd hand stuff as if its precious and remember exactly which bits came from her so they can be returned in pristine condition. Even though ds hasn't worn any of her ds's stuff since he was in 3-6 months she still complains that I have worn 'her' things out and got stains on and not washed them properly. I and grateful to have stuff passed on to me but not with all these conditions.

Anyway, YABU

"we weren't decided that we were going for number 2 and told her that it doesn't matter, she can keep the clothes as long as she wants, no hurry, cos we are not planning a baby anytime soon."

YABU If you said those sorts of things. Not fair to change your mind now.

You will have to eat your hat i'm afraid SOD as I'm not that OP with the cot - yes I have read that thread too.

I'm prepared to be told I am unreasonale expecting the clothes back, but I still stand that she has a responsibility towards the clothes and if she would have only apologised over the loss of the clothes I wouldn't have held this against her.

Anyway thanks for the replies. I haven't delibaretly ignored her or announced her friendship over. I have had 2 DCs to look after the last 6 months and have been have a very tough time of it, so no time to keep in touch with a lot of people. but I shall drop h er an e-mail and apologise for my behaviour.

I mean SOCD...not SOD!

YABU

Most of DS clothes where hand me downs. Mainly from my sister, I didn't label the clothes when she gave them to me and unless I see a photo of DN in them I wouldn't remember which she gave me!!

She was always planning a second child so we AGREED that all the clothes (including new things DS got) would be stored her her second child. She is now pregnant so the clothes have gone back to her. The ones that I brought for DS I don't care what she does with when she is finished - the ones that are good enough she will most likely give to someone else to use!

i thought the OP from the cot thread had a baby much younger than mine? also these are clothes from an older DS. The other OP only has the one, if I remember right.

Not the first tale along these lines I've heard. I don't think you are being completely unreasonable but others do - so you are in one camp and your friend is in the other (clearly a view shared by a number of people on here). You think she is careless; she thinks you are anal/why did you lend it if you expected it back etc.

I think it's unreasonable to expect payment for it though. I agree that you should let it go.

This is why I don't lend out lots of stuff if I intend to use it again, because I know I am in the same camp as you. I go through and the stuff I don't want (though which is still in good condition) I then give away with no expectation of receiving it back. Stuff I love and will use again, I keep. That way it doesn't get ruined or shrunk in the drier.

I don't think YABU. It seems to me that she never posted the clothes - that is obviously an excuse. I think that the onus is on the person receiving the loaned/gifted items to establish whether they are loaned or gifted. I have been very careful to refer to everything as loaned unless and until people have made it clear that we can keep the items. If I had done what your friend has done I would have offered to replace some of the clothes - perhaps not all of them as you have a DD not a DS. And equally I wouldn't accept money if offered if I was you.

This thread is making me chuckle as it reminds me of a woman on the school run that I don't know very well who came running up to me recently with a dirty snowsuit crammed into a Tesco bag for DS, saying "I'll have it back when he's worn it and pass it on to someone else". It's threadbare, looks like it's been worn by 20 kids, and has stains all over it. And the woman acted a bit like it was an heirloom or something.

OP, I think YABU, it always strikes me as a bit odd if people expect baby clothes back. I've given lots of DS's clothes away to friends and wouldn't expect them back. If you knew you wanted another baby at some point then you should have kept hold of them all yourself.

And I think you're being totally irrational falling out with your friend over it all, sorry.

People really expect them back?! Oh dear guess I've upset a few friends then because I've never given any second hand stuff back after using it either passed it on again or binned due to those horrible yellow poo marks which are impossible to get out!

If people want baby stuff back then they really should name it though. This indicates that they expect it back. I don't think I can remember where everything came from now, so it would be virtually impossible to split out stuff, but all of the named stuff has already gone back.

Around the time her DS turned 6 months she moved from England to her home town of Ireland

YABU - I know we are a small country over here but we are bigger than a town