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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is MIL?

27 replies

GeraldineAubergine · 20/02/2011 09:56

MIL has not seen DS ever since he was born. Its his first birthday on Monday. She hasn't sent him christmas crds or gifts etc and has been really disinterested. We had a little party for him yesterday, MIL was in same city (lives within UK but far away usually) but said that she was too tired to attend the party. She says she will come on Monday, his birthday, but I have told DP I'd rather she didn't, as I have made plans to go to the zoo, and for lunch and she will ruin it as she is not easy to get on with. She could come any other day this week.
AIBU in that if she hasn't bothered to see him so far it won't make any difference to her if its not actually on his birthday and that its not fair for her to dictate what we should do (she wouldn't go to the zoo and is, if i'm honest, not so much fun). DP wont tell her as he will be worried he will upset her. I think she has hurt his feelings and mine too, so I don't care.
When she does come round I'll make her dinner and be nice to her as always, I just don't want to entertain her and change all my plans at the last minute.
Also I know it makes no difference to DS that its his birthday, its more important to me (hes pfb :))

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 20/02/2011 09:58

I wouldn't change my plans, but I would offer an alternative with a smile on my face - even if it was forced. Grin

How very odd she must be, never coming to see her DGC.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 20/02/2011 09:59

Defo don't change your plans, just tell her what you'll be doing and when, I very much doubt she will want to do any of it. Add on an alternative such as a home cooked dinner on x day/s

WriterofDreams · 20/02/2011 10:00

I wouldn't budge an inch. After ignoring your poor son for a year there's no way she should now dictate when she sees him. Just tell her sorry you have plans on Monday and any other day will do. I am also shocked that she has never seen her grandson.

Rhadegunde · 20/02/2011 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 20/02/2011 10:01

tell her you are busy Monday and it is not convenient.

Simples.

Lizzywishes · 20/02/2011 10:03

Ring or text her and say 'on Monday we will be out from x to y o'clock, but you could come round for a cup of tea at z o'clock. Or, if you prefer, you could come any other day during the day.'

Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 20/02/2011 10:06

Thank you all for your replies. MIL is a very stern no nonsense sort of lady, I am dreading seeing her tbh as she is always really rude to me, but thats a different story. I think you are all right and I'll stick to my guns, but persuading DP to tell her this will be a challenge.
I found it really sad, mostly for DP, that she didn't want to meet DS before, especially as my own mum died a few years ago, I know she would have been difficult to stop though had she been alive :)
I feel better for writing this down, as I really wish DP would stand up to her and tell her how mean she has been and to stop being so rude as well.
I might ring her myself and say I have ,made plans for Monday and can't wait to see her on tuesday.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 20/02/2011 10:13

You need to take this in hand and contact her to say it is not convenient, but you want to arrange a date that is.

Bring out your own 'no nonsense' self, and be very factual and firm.

Hope you have a good day on the little one's birthday.

ConstanceFelicity · 20/02/2011 10:15

Yanbu at all, but your DH should be the one to tell her. It's not difficult: "I'm sorry, we've already made plans for that day, but any other day is fine."

NotAnotherNewNappy · 20/02/2011 10:16

YANBU. Never ever change your plans (or more importantly, your children's plans) for somebody who is known to let you down. Who's to say she'll actually turn up on Monday?

Text her yourself then take DC to the zoo. We took DD to the zoo for her first birthday, it's a lovely age for it - you'll all have a brilliant time and it will be a very special memory [smil]

NotAnotherNewNappy · 20/02/2011 10:17

[Smile] !

thumbwitch · 20/02/2011 10:19

Agree with all the others - tell her you already have plans for Monday, sorry they can't be changed, no, but you'll be happy to see her Tuesday or any other day this week.
Enjoy the zoo - but be prepared for her to decide she isn't going to bother her arse to come any other day.

Still - it's not as though she's fallen over herself to get to know her DGS, is it? strange woman.

Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 20/02/2011 10:27

I'm glad its not just me who thinks its a bit weird she didn't want to see DS. I feel embarrassed when people ask about his grandparents and like I have done something wrong. Imo Dp should tell her how much she has upset him rather than placating her all the time, but there relationship is quite old fashioned and so he wouldn't dream of it. I had a more open relationship with my parents and we would tell each other when we had hurt one another.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 20/02/2011 10:27

their not there Confused

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 20/02/2011 10:32

Tell your DP you are going to the zoo on Monday with your DS for his first birthday, you will be leaving at X o'clock and back aroung Z o'clock. He can come too, he can tell his mum the plans, or he can not. But that's what's going to happen. If he doesn't tell her, she'll turn up to either an empty house or one with just DP in it.

Sorted.

Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 20/02/2011 10:36

Grin FakePlasticTrees

OP posts:
spidookly · 20/02/2011 10:47

"Also I know it makes no difference to DS that its his birthday, its more important to me (hes pfb)'

Celebrating the first anniversary of parenthood is worthwhile - the 3 of you having a nice day together is something you will always remember.

Don't let someone who is a stranger to your son spoil that for any of you.

saffy85 · 20/02/2011 10:58

YANBU why should you change your plans for anyone even a GP if they show little interest in their DGC?

Have a lovely time at the zoo on DS's actual birthday and be fake nice to MIL another time Smile

squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 11:01

Have you never offered to take the child to see her?

Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 20/02/2011 11:13

It's true squeakytoy, I haven't visited her, but have offered twice. Dp also gave her the money to fly over when he was born and she didn't come. This has happened twice.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeraldineAubergine · 20/02/2011 12:06

She just called and said she will be round in an hour. I'm off the hook :)

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 20/02/2011 12:33

Hurrah! best go and get the hemlock tea ready then Grin

blackeyedsusan · 20/02/2011 14:13

Don't change your plans. you will resent dp/mil for it if you do. some men have no backbone when it comes to their mothers. H does. he is now seeing rather a lot more of her than he expected because he wouldn't put his children first. I am sure they really like having h living with them now.

< see i am grumpy too and probably biased too>

blackeyedsusan · 20/02/2011 14:14

H does NOT have a backbone... puts his needs first over children, not seeing the children much either.

WinterLover · 21/02/2011 12:46

Il swap MILs with you if you want Grin I can't get rid of mine despite living over an hour away..

Definately stick to your guns! Your DS won't even know who she is, if she couldnt be bothered to come to his party you definately shouldn't change plans! Grin