To not enjoy weekends?

[minxofmancunia]

In fact to actively dread them?

I'm with dd(4) and ds(17m) two days a week, I don't mind this, I chose to do it I can deal with it, sometimes I even enjoy it a bit. Then i work-bloody hard- the other 3 days. Then it's the weekend which are invariably about dds ballet classes some party or such like, drudge drurge drudge round the house doing boring s*t only to watch dull as s*te tv in the evenings.

There's no "break" no respite. It's more of the same. I know I sound ungrateful, I should enjoy "family time" but I can't get any enthusiasm up for it. I smile through gritted teeth and try to be positive.

The loss of my weekends has been one og the most significant things that's made me miserable since becoming a parent. I know I should be grateful, I know I chose this, I just never knew how bloody relentless the boredom and drudgery would be. Doing the hang round with other familes thing makes my teeth itch, everyone just goes on about children.

I feel like I have to actively claw back anytime for myself. I admit I'm selfish and tomorrow I have booked in a few activities for myself (gym am and buying jeans pm, ON MY OWN). Dh has seen his arse a bit but tough. He's out tonight and going on a bike ride with his mates tomorrow.

I really can't accept that weekends should be "all about the kids", does that make me a horribly selfish mother? If i don't get to do my own thing I hate life.

When i say to other parents I'm determined to keep at least one day at the weekend free of childrens parties/activities/playdates so me and dh can have a bit of time (separately) I get the whole raised eyebrows bit.

I'm not depressed, on the very rare ocassions me and dh have had a whole night/day "off" I'm elated, giddy as a kipper! Don't get me wrong I adore my dcs, I want what's best for them just sick of feeling so miserable and resentful every single bloody weekend. I've tried to "get used" to this for 4.5 years, and I'm not doing.

YANBU, but you aren't too far away from having a little more time to yourself. When your oldest starts school and your youngest can go to pre school or something, weekends will start to become more about quality family time instead of just more of the same stuff you go through in the week. It adds a bit more structure, which helps. And then you will be able to start leaving them at activities and parties and the like, I promise, it won't be this relentless forever!

I know this doesn't help with your immediate situation but it does get easier as they get older.

I'll second what curlymama said, and add can you get a cleaner so that you don't have so much housey drudge to deal with?

minx, could have written your post!

YANBU, and tbh, i find even when i get some 'me time' (hair appointment? Forgot something at the shops?) i find i feel guilty or 'in debt' to my 'mum time' (iyswim?)

What really really winds me up is when if I have been out for more than a couple of hours dh will always get his mum up to help

YANBU. I've felt like this for many years but tbh I put to down to being a lone parent. It's not about selfishness, it's about sanity as far as I'm concerned.

You will no doubt get a lot of uber-mummy-raised-eyebrow treatment by those who think that you should be delighted to sacrifice your every waking moment but ignore them! :)

It DOES get easier, honest. Mine are teenagers now and I'm beginning to claw some of my old life back at last.

pisachio, you and your dh sound like you have a good thing going! Can you send your dh round to train up mine? I'm not sure i could say of dh that he 'relishes being able to look after them by himself for long periods of the weekend'

Thanks for your replies,

We do have a cleaner but there still seems like loads to do!

DH seems ok on the surface about me doing stuff but he does do the martyr bit when I get home . He's a really enthusiastic parent, embraces it all wholeheartedly whereas I've always always struggled massively with the loss of time and independence.

he does admit I'm like e different ( better) person and Mum when I come back from a weekend away. I'm so completely irritable the rest of the time. I have a hen weekend and a weekend in Bristol booked soon and I'm literally counting the days.

Also when I do do stuff at the weekend it's always alone, which is fine. I just don't seem to have many close friends (although I know loads of people) to call on anymore...

YANBU. I have an issue in that my DH works 8 out of every 10 weekends (and sometimes this involves him working night shifts) which means that I'm on duty 24/7 with DD (4.7) and DS (9 weeks). Before I went on mat leave, all my time was either spent at work or looking after children mainly on my own. DH doesn't shirk his parenting responsibilities, but I don't think that he quite got the fact that his working pattern meant that I never got any time to myself. This mat leave has got round some of that, and I'm lucky that many of my friends are either SAHM or work aprt time so it means I do get out the house and some adult company, albeit with DS in tow. However, I can forsee it getting worse as DS gets older, before it gets better.

It sounds like you are over committing your time to doing parties/playdates etc, so why not keep some days free and decline invitations. Doesn't sound as if you are enjoying it - so don't do it.
My DP gets a bit stir crazy if he's indoors too much and if I want to go to the gym - he's more than happy to look after the DD, he'd like me to go more often, but thats another thread.
Also, and this is much easier said than done, maybe you could relax your standards at home a bit and not spend so much time cleaning etc? I set myself a slot of time, or a specific task to do, but if it means say the bathroom doesn't get cleaned until the next day (or so..) then I'll live with that.
Your kids are at such a time demanding age, that you are bound to be feeling spread thin.

beamur thanks for replying, I do need to get less het up about the house, it's always a bloody mess even if I do stress about it all the time!

I think part of the problem is the winter, I hate being indoors, the dcs do too. I can't wait to get outside go for walks, start planting and gardening. All of us cooped up indoors every weekend has frazzled my nerves to shreads, I'm v much an outdoor person but have reynauds so can't tolerate the cold!

I wish I'd arranged an evening activity for this weekend with a friend, it might feel a little less monotonous then.

May i refer you to another thread (can't do links, you'll have to take my word for it ) where mountain warehouse have a sale with about 80% off stuff with free p&p: if you hate winter, get some warm coats and get thee to the park (and sit on a bench with hot chocolate while dcs run around)

Varyingdegree is referring to this thread

Are you following me?

There have been evenings when I've got home from work, cooked (or just eaten) dinner, cleared up, sorted out post, got DD to bed (and so on) then looked at the sea of small toys on the floor, the pile of ironing that needs doing (and so on) and thought sod it, it will still be there tomorrow.

If I put all the toys away, they'll all be back out again, so tonight (and many other nights) I don't bother.
Going outdoors is great - there's fewer opportunities to make the house messy!

Minx YANBU and I totally get it. I have also struggled massively with loss of independance since becoming a parent. I was 38 when I had ds so had a good old run at living my life however I chose beforehand which included heavy socialising, drama, lts of holidays etc and being a parent nigh on ground it to a halt. Same as you, I adore my ds but find it difficult to reconcile being a parent and being "just me".

I laughed when I read how "elated and giddy" you felt when you had some time, I felt exactly the same. Even going to a cafe on my own was like I had "escaped" and I revelled in it.

Thankfully, I've still managed to persue some hobbies and I do get more than my fair share of me time as does dh. Works on holiday as well,we spend all day playing with ds, all eat together of an evening, both put him to bed then we take it in turns to go out for the evening. Helps that we know a lot of people where we holiday (in case people think we just trawl bars solo!)

Minx, I've recently name changed, but I recall you are an RMN like me.

I so so get it. I can't give and give to other people, I need that me time to recharge - to be a good mum and to be a good parent. You need to emotionally recharge - it is essential. Our DD's are roughly the same age, she has started school and I now have one day a week just for me. I could work another day, but I need it or I would lose myself in everyone else's needs. Weekends do not have to be all about the kids. You know that really, it is just every other misinformed bugger that is making you question yourself. Go to the gym and buy your jeans - you deserve it! I hope your DH is supportive in this?

YANBU I can partly relate to what you say. Things like having a quick coffee on my own at a local cafe have become precious & rare pleasures while in the past I wouldn't give a second thought to having a coffee.

I don't think there's an easy solution tbh except time passing. Your youngest is 19 months yes? That's a tough age, very soon it'll get easier.

And then when they grow we miss their little baby feet :). You can't win.

@minxofmancunia hi, I realise this is a very old thread but on the off chance you might see this - did things get better? I also really dislike weekends at the moment. Littlest kids are 2 and 5, and every waking moment of the weekends are spent tidying up the total devastation they make of the house, listening to them whine scream and fight, stopping my 2 year old doing naughty / dangerous things. I actually long for Wednesdays when I go back to work (which makes me feel terribly guilty). Please say it gets better lol

Oh and I do actually get a fair bit of time to do things with friends / on my own. Not sure husband really likes this but I would literally lose my mind if I didn't carve out that time. Doing things as a family is stressful and often not worth the cost / effort :(

I also used to get the raised eyebrows when I would say similar things when mine were wee. If I said, “Well, it’s not ALL about the kids is it?” in regards to not self sacrificing every free moment to devote to their whims.

I positively annoyed a few people when I boldly admitted I had refused to let ds2 join the local football club because I didn’t want to spend every weekend transporting him to matches and standing at the side of a pitch. He only wanted to go because his pals were going…he’s not sporty otherwise. I couldn’t care less about football, doesn’t interest me. So I said no way. My weekends are too valuable.
That put the wind up some…especially when I defended myself by saying my free time counted for something too and I didn’t want it to be bound to a football club. You’d think I had committed and act of cruelty. It actually made me laugh.

Anyway yanbu.

See also: dancing. Ridiculous amount of commitment from parents (ok, mums) - shows, rehearsals, costumes, fundraising events etc. These hobbies are a logistical nightmare.

So yeah…football and dancing can get in the sea. Soz like.