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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this mum just didnt care she upset my dd in an attempt to pasify her own dd.

18 replies

tomhardyismydh · 18/02/2011 19:24

My dd nearly 5, was invited to tea and play at a school friends house. this is the third time she has been invited by this little girls mum and the third time it did not gone ahead as other mum cancelled.

unfortunatly these things happen but I will not make concrete plans with her again.

this morning her dh dropped thier dd at school and said mum isnt well so will have to cancel, no problems at all, one of those things, but I can your dd instead, thanks but I best check, ill let her know you offered, but have arranged my mum to pick up so ill get her ring you.

I explained this to dd, who was fine and accepted this. was disapointed and asked if friend could come to us intead. I explained we will see what happens after school.

After school the girls mum was collecting, she appologised that she was still unwell. still fine with this an offered to take her dd home to save any disapointment, she was adamnet no thank you.

The girls at the door together seen it was mum picking up and very excited shouting yeah your coming to tea, oh great your mum is better.

I collered my dd strait away and explained no she was still a bit poorly we will do it another day.

my dd started crying, again these things happen and Im willing to deal with an upset child. but she just kept saying to her dd we will see. so this little girl is screaming in my dds face that mummy is better you can come, whilst im explaing and consoling and telling my dd to stop making a fuss etc etc and reinforcing that its a no. the other mum done nothing to make clear to her dd that it was not going to happen, nor to get her out of our faces whilst I was trying to calmly deal with this sitaution. she just kept saying we will see and saying sorry to me.

AIBU to think she was just avoiding her dd being upset by saying we will see at the expence of my dd.

I was so embarrased at this as it caused a big scene at the school gate. I wish I had just said something to her.

OP posts:
ragged · 18/02/2011 19:28

yanbu.
Very strange the whole thing.

princessparty · 18/02/2011 19:52

If she was still feeling unwell she was probably just taking the line of least resistence

tomhardyismydh · 18/02/2011 19:53

it was very strange ragged.dds teacher even looked over and called dds name to stop being naughty, a tongue in cheek kind of way, but that just made me very aware that all eyes must have been us. The problem was I then had to walk half the way home with them. I just walked in silence quite lost for words tbh.

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 18/02/2011 19:57

If she was feeling ill then she might not have had the strength to deal with it properly.

BooyFuckingHoo · 18/02/2011 19:59

i dont understand. what should the other mum have done?

tomhardyismydh · 18/02/2011 20:01

Then surely if it was that she was so unwell she should have just taken her dd and went home instead of just allowing her to scream in dds face. I get that but surely to the expence of a small child an adult should be able to deal with such a situation.

The fact she didnt deal with it just made it 100 times worse all round.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 18/02/2011 20:02

I think you should just put this behind you - it sounds really quite dramatic and upsetting - and don't make arrangements with this mother again.

If your dd is keen friends with this little girl, then arrange for play dates at your house only but with another little girl she is friendly with so that if the mother is unable to allow her daughter to attend, your dd won't be too disappointed.

Meanwhile, I wouldn't jump to conclusions. The mother may be really quite ill with anything and may, however foolishly, make plans one day when she's feeling ok and then regret it when she's feeling terrible.

WinkyWinkola · 18/02/2011 20:03

She didn't calm her own dd down. Yes, that was a mistake. But she might have been really taken aback by her dd's behaviour. I know sometimes I find myself stunned by my dcs behaviour!

JamieLeeCurtis · 18/02/2011 20:03

I do see what you mean. It isn't helpul to anyone to be wishy-washy. c Many children this age can't cope with ambivalent messages when they have been looking forward to something.

What she should have done is say directly to your DD and her DD - I am really sorry but we'll have you next week (or something). Maybe it was because she's ill, maybe she is wishy washy. If she is, she's going to have a demanding child on her hands....

JamieLeeCurtis · 18/02/2011 20:05

I'm not sure why she didn't take up your offer to have her DD. I suppose you offering (was it in front of the DDs?) gave the DDs false hope as well (though I don't blame you for offering)

JamieLeeCurtis · 18/02/2011 20:07

It's all a bit of a storm in a teacup though, at the end of the day. I remember pick-up time is a bit stressful with this age group. Everyone is tired, hungry and emotional. You have to be on your toes.

tomhardyismydh · 18/02/2011 20:08

I walked my dd away when I realised how this was going to turn out and they followed us.

I didnt have a problem with her cancelling this as it does happen and unfortunatly my dd will have to learn to manage situations like this, but I would rather take a firmer stance, easier said than done when you are not unwell. But I was most annoyed that she made no attempt to prevent her dd from making this worse.

both girls were disapointed and upset her dd as much as mine I appreciate that, but I think she should have just gone and left us to it.

some people just dont like saying no to thier children, which IMHO does not do them any favours.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 18/02/2011 20:09

I agree

tomhardyismydh · 18/02/2011 20:10

no I offered this morning there dd had gone into class but my dd didt hear this and then offered I offered before the girls came out. so no they didnt hear.

OP posts:
ChippingInFanciesCheeseOnToast · 18/02/2011 20:12

No matter what else is going on she whould have just said to both of the girls 'I'm not feeling very well so we are going to have to cancel today, I'm sorry, we'll see how it goes next week'.

Though - it seems like there is more to it than her not being well if she didn't want her DD to play at yours. Maybe there's something happening that she doesn't want to talk about and just wants her DD at home. If she asks again I would say 'Yes' but not tell DD until after school.

tomhardyismydh · 18/02/2011 20:13

I agree chipping that it may have been down to something else, or maybe that she would just have rather got home dinner baths done and early to bed with little disruption as possible if she was unwell.

OP posts:
GloriaSmut · 18/02/2011 20:31

It may well be that her dd was playing the classic "School Gate Emotional Blackmail" trick. Sensibly, it didn't work but I wouldn't be too harsh on someone who isn't very well and almost certainly just wants to get everyone home with as little disruption as possible.

curlymama · 18/02/2011 21:03

I agree that there is probably something else going on behind closed doors that you just don't know about. I don't mean anything sinister, just normal problems that people have that make them not want to entertain other people's children, and would make them less able to deal with little things when they come up.

I would try not to judge, invite the child back to yours, and leave it a few weeks incase there has been a problem that has then been resolved.

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