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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have wanted to slap this busybody?

63 replies

Mahraih · 18/02/2011 18:03

DS is 8 days old, and we are having building work done in the house. Nothing major, but it was a bit loud. DS has one FF a day (otherwise BF) so at FF time I thought we'd escape to the coffee shop just round the corner for a bit.

In the middle of the feed, a woman came and sat down opposite me. She didn't say hello, just, "Is he yours?"

So I replied, 'yes he is'. I shouldn't have engaged, but people love babies and I assumed she was going to coo or something. She looked sceptical and then proceeded to ask about my racial heritage, DP's race, all the while looking from me to DS and back again.

I'm mixed race and DP is white, so DS is very pale. But his features are pure me. I don't even know why I answered the woman, perhaps because she was firing questions at me at such a pace and I was in shock.

She then leant forward in an intense way and said, "Is that your breast milk you're feeding him?"

That's when I cracked and said, "Could you stop asking questions please, it's rather rude." She didn't say anything, she fixed me with an icy stare for about ten seconds and then stood up and left. She hadn't been there when I arrived and didn't get a coffee before leaving!

I have no idea what to make of this! I feel angry, ashamed for FF (although I know I shouldn't be), and also worried as this was one street from where we live. What if she appears again?

I called DS who said she is a crazy. But she didn't look crazy per se, just intense. If something like this happens again, AIBU to get really angry with her/the perpetrator?

OP posts:

Honeybee79 · 18/02/2011 18:52

Congratulations on your new baby.

Please ignore the local nutter. And please don't be ashamed of ff!

tomhardyismydh · 18/02/2011 18:53

sounds to me like she had learning difficulties or autism.

reluctanthomosapien · 18/02/2011 19:03

I have mixed race children who are much lighter (and waaay more attractive!) than me. Am constantly asked whether they are mine - the default assumption being that I'm the nanny, I suppose. I wonder if your nutter lady thought you were a recalcitrant nanny poisoning madam's baby with evil formula, or something.

reluctanthomosapien · 18/02/2011 19:05

HowFuckingRude, my sister was wisely informed by an elderly neighbour that her DC would be a "retard" because he was born out of wedlock. Oh, the wisdom of age......

AliGrylls · 18/02/2011 19:14

Whole incident sounds weird. Something like that would shake me up a bit.

ChippingInFanciesCheeseOnToast · 18/02/2011 19:17

You had me at DS is 8 days old, and we are having building work done in the house

It takes all kinds to make the world go around! Pay her no attention. When you've caught up on some sleep she will seem less frightening and just plain nutty. Don't let her put you off going to the coffee shop.

Feed your child the way you see fit and don't wory about anyone else!

Ooohhh you are very young and very pretty What a lovely age to have a baby :)

Original poster

Mahraih · 18/02/2011 19:18

Kerrianne - good question. I'm probably focussing on the breast milk bit, because I've had years of getting used to people - people who should know better in most cases - asking intrusive questions about my race.

I'm not used to people making judgements about how I choose to look after my child, and that's the bit I'm insecure about.

My mum had the 'is the yours/is she adopted' questions about me, so I expected that bit, to an extent.

OP posts:

kerala · 18/02/2011 19:18

Very unfortunate that you have a nutter experience when you are dealing with a newborn baby!

DH had one at a bus stop once. He was standing there minding his own business when a well dressed elderly lady came over and hissed in his face "you should be ashamed" in a really aggressive way. He was quite upset about it and he hadnt just had a baby. Ignore.

Original poster

Mahraih · 18/02/2011 19:22

ChippingIn, I keep meaning to pop one up, will do it now :)

Oh, I feel much better - glad I wasn't overreacting. If she ever does talk to me again, I won't be such a weed.

"Why do you need to know that?" is an excellent solution.

OP posts:

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo · 18/02/2011 19:27

Congrats on the baby, and for making it to a coffee shop after 8 days! I had barely made it out of my dressing gown at that stage...

I agree, this was a random person who had some issues that you did not cause, nor need to be concerned with. IME having a baby with you/being pregnant makes you slightly more prone to approaches like these. My take is that people assume that you are the caring type, since you are visibly in a caring role, and therefore less likely to tell them to piss off. I think you handled it very well. Don't let it put you off going back to somewhere so handy, please!

kerala · 18/02/2011 19:53

Oh and if you are in coffee shops with newborns in London be suspicious if anyone does get too close to you. I had my purse pinched out of my nappy bag in Starbucks once obviously I was a great target being focussed on the baby and sleep deprived .

ChippingInFanciesCheeseOnToast · 18/02/2011 20:03

He is beautiful - he takes after his Mummy :)

'Why are you asking?' it is an invaluable phrase

I bet you are back in your size 8 jeans looking far too fab and that's why she asked if you were his Mum

thefirstMrsDeVere · 18/02/2011 20:09

Doesnt sound like she was anti ff to me. It seems more like she thought you were feeding someone else's baby your breast milk!

I have been asked very sternly 'whose are those kids!' erm mine. 'they cant be' I am white kids are mixed but this was in London, its hardly unusual.

My SIL is black and her kids look white. She has been chased round a park by someone determine the kids werent hers!

thefirstMrsDeVere · 18/02/2011 20:10

He is yummy btw

smokingnuns · 18/02/2011 20:14

oh dear, this is the beginning of people's weird comments about your kids if they are a different colour to you. My kids are mixed race and quite dark and hardly anybody realises they're my kids - the shock when the truth comes out is a picture! One woman asked me how long I'd had them - "I gave birth to them" I answered, not quite getting my footing in time. That's the thing, you are taken so much by surprise that these weird comments go too far before you are able to cut them/the person off. You'll become quite practised after a while and a lot of it will glide over your head. The weird lady sounds like she may have learning difficulties or something along those lines. Well done btw for getting out 8 days after the birth of your baby () and congratulations.

lospolloshermanos · 18/02/2011 20:15

what a nutcase

atswimtwolengths · 18/02/2011 20:30

Have to say, OP, you're beautiful and your baby's gorgeous too.

reluctanthomosapien · 18/02/2011 20:30

I wish I had the balls to do any of the following:

If a stranger grabs your baby bump, or asks the sex of your unborn child, say, "I'm not pregnant, you know, you're just assaulting me".

If a stranger asks you if your child is yours, say, "No, I stole it".

If anyone asks you what's in the bottle, say "Pina Colada".

It's always what I wish I'd said, rather than being all conciliatory and apologetic.

I hate how everyone thinks they own you just because you are with or have a child. I had a 15 minute cross examination today at lunch from a bloke at the next table demanding to know why my children are not bilingual. All very well meaning and interested, he was very pleasant, but I had to make something up to placate him, whilst trying to control my toddler and persuade the baby to eat.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 18/02/2011 20:34

smoking I have had that for 19 years! Except about DC3 who apparently is the 'image' of me. That is lovely but odd as he is not my biological child

Shows what a lot of old bollocks it is really.

MadamDeathstare · 18/02/2011 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkthechaffinch · 18/02/2011 20:39

I'm white and ds (9) is mixed race and people often assume he's adopted.

I didn't realize how much people stared and remarked upon ds when he was a baby and toddler until I had dd (white) who has always received much less attention from the generel public.

I used to enjoy the attention ds received when he was a toddler, at one point, living in a rural SW town, I could hardly walk down the street without old ladies stopping me to coo at him.

Original poster

Mahraih · 18/02/2011 20:40

ChippingIn, so not back in my jeans! I'm actually wearing DP's jeans, thank god for big-boned men...

Interesting how many people seem to have been confronted by strangers outright asking if a baby is 'theirs' or not! You'd think, particularly in London, that people would realise that it's possible to be mixed race.

We'll see how DS ends up, colour-wise. But either DP or I will have to deal with the comments, and a 'strange man' with a child is probably worse than a woman

atswimtwolengths thank you

reluctanthomosapien - am writing those down!

OP posts:

DSM · 18/02/2011 20:50

Mahraih - just peeked at your profile - you are beautiful! As is your gorgeous little DS. What a cutie.

I was 22 also when DS was born, it's a nice age to have them I think.

Ignore crazy lady, and well done for being so polite. I get it now and again as I am very dark; hair, eyes, colouring.. But DS is a blonde haired blue eyed boy. People often seem to think im a babysitter.

Don't know why other people care really!

Kewcumber · 18/02/2011 20:59

Oddly DS who is a different race to me and who looks nothing like me but I have rarely been asked if he's adopted (he is!). People rather diffidently ask me where his father is from - in all truthfulness I can say "kazakhstan". Never goes any further than that as they are too busy trying to decide if Kazakhstan is a real country or if I am taking the piss.

chipmonkey · 18/02/2011 21:23

Mahraih, the mad old bat must have some visual impairment because your ds is the image of you! You are both beautiful, by the way!

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