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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my dp to tell our ds off (sorry this is long)

10 replies

crazybubbasmummy · 18/02/2011 01:21

dp works in the city and is often stressed with work he also does a second job/hobbie from home which takes up most of his time, but feel i have to just deal with this is it does bring in an extra income which is moe than i could earn and means i dont have to work and can stay at home with my ds!

our ds is often hard work and quite hyproactive (3 years old) especially when daddy gets home, but daddy has to work as soon as he gets home and ds has just learnt to deal with the fact that he cant speak to daddy when hes working (which does make me sad cause ds is sometimes disappointed but i try to play with him more so when dp is working so he doesnt notice)

i am pregnant with baby2 so dp is working extra hard to get more money for new car and baby stuff

sometimes when ds is being had work i tell him off for things he shouldnt be doing for instance butting in but i never snap i always tell him politely a few times then warn then tell him off properly and send him to his room if he carries on and on

but dp seems to just snap all the time at him when ds is obviously just seeking some attention from daddy and it breaks my heart but i dont say anything to dp cause i know hes busy for a reason

today ds has been such a good boy i could burst with pride and i could honestly not fault him one little but, and tonight dp snapped at him and ive told dp that he is out of order and needs to start talking to our son like a human being, that our son compramises alot of his time so he can work a second job (which i have asked him to give up and ill work but he enjoys it also and it makes him happy and he doesnt want to)and that our ds never know when he is allowed to talk or play with daddy and he needs to sort it out

we are now in seperate beds and i feel awful incase ive made him feel like a bad dad when i know he is trying his best with giving us nice things but also angry at what poor ds has to put up with him

no matter how hard i try and what i do with ds im never as good as daddy, he idolises his daddy :(

OP posts:

autodidact · 18/02/2011 01:28

awww. Sounds very tough. I think this is quite a common problem - strains of modern life and all that- and you're absolutely right to challenge your husband because he's out of order and too much of that kind of snapping will damage his relationship with your boy. Hopefully he'll have a good long think and apologise and change a bit. Hope things do get better. Don't let him make you feel awful- you did the right thing.

alicet · 18/02/2011 06:55

YANBU. My dh had a dad who worked round the clock like this and also snapped at himin this way. There is also more to the story amounting to emotinal abuse but suffice it to say that as adults he has a lot of issues about this and the relationship with his dad will never recover.

Stand up for your ds

blackeyedsusan · 18/02/2011 06:57

Poor ds, it sounds like it only wants to have some attention. Where does dp work at home? could he shut the door when he is working?

your dp is missing out on a lovely son, they are not young for long!

mummytime · 18/02/2011 07:22

You and your DP need to discuss work/life balance. On his death bed will he really regret not earning more or not spendign more time with his son. You children are only little for a short while and its better to go without cars/holidays than to miss in IMHO!

My DH did do a MBA part-time when my eldest were very little, and this did involve Daddy working at home and not having much time. But Daddy did make time to spend with them, and it was definitely time limited.

Good luck on resolving tis one.

ErnestTheBavarian · 18/02/2011 07:45

if he wants to keep the 2nd job he needs to work out a plan that builds in fixed time alone with ds.

Yes, it is a huge shame for ds to not have his dad there, or grumpy when he is.

But you are now pg. You must alos be exhausted, doing the majority of everything else by the sounds of it. You are being placed under a huge strain. DP need to commit to taking ds every day, even for half an hour to give him the attention he deserves, and the break you deserve, And more at the weekend. Say every Saturday morning just dp take him swimming.

The money might be useful, but there is more to life than money. Sounds like the money is an excuse for him to do everything that he wants and dump everything into your lap.

And is you want to go back to work, you should. Difficult I know now you're pg again. But he shouldn't get to keep his hobby 2nd job job cos he likes it, at your and your ds and your new baby's expense. Souns like he's getting all the fun and calling on the shots and you get all the work.

Out of order to come in and not even play with ds a little bit.

You talk only about how this impacts on ds. Are you not resentful or angry? I am on your behalf!

Chil1234 · 18/02/2011 07:46

I'd suggest that you think of something they can do together, without you, at the weekend. My own Dad used to work shifts and it meant I never saw him most of the week. But we used to go swimming together on a Sunday morning, left my Mum behind with my baby brother, and we had lots of fun and those are some of my happiest memories. Weekdays few people are in the best of temper but he could make up for it by having something that they do together, even if it's just for an hour or two....

BTW... 'Work' is one thing because we all need to make a living to survive, but 'hobbies' shouldn't precede children.

catzcream · 18/02/2011 07:56

Your DP is being VU.

This cannot be allowed to continue, it is so very unfair on your DS.

You both have to sit down and in a non confrontational manner discuss where you both are and how you are both feeling. Your DP sounds stressed too, so I dont think you are alone in this.

For boys, dads are especially important IMO and your DP has to start spending time with your DS. The weekend activity suggestion is a good one, can they do swimming/ football together? Will be a godsend when the baby arrives.

But either way, if the second job has to continue then it does so after some quality time has been spent with your DS

solooovely · 18/02/2011 13:55

Everyone snaps sometimes so I don't think that is the end of the world at all. You obviously have a lot of patience and are able to stay calm but not everyone can. Your DH is not you! He will react to things in his own way.

I do however think you were right to say something but I think it should have been tactfully done, rather then to slag off his parenting skills.

I also think he needs to make time for his son. Can he spare 15 mins when he gets in from work? If not then the 2 of you might need to sacrifice the extra money because at the moment he has no time to spend with his child and what is more important?

ErnestTheBavarian · 19/02/2011 12:38

Tactful? Clearly he needs a major kick up the arse!? He's totally taking the piss and needs waking up to his responsibilities to hs wife nd child, which aren't purely financial

FabbyChic · 19/02/2011 12:45

Without the financial support where would the family unit be? In the shit.

The OP understands why he does it, but I feel she does not understand the pressure that her dp is under to provide.

She says she will work but what then of the child care?

Her Dp needs to set aside an hour a night when he comes home where he relaxes and spends time with his son doing nothing else.

Surely losing just one hours work wouldn't be that bad.

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