My son is my world, I spent a long time just him and I. We went to so many places and did so many things. He was my best friend and we shared so many laughs. He loved to play, dance, sing and was so happy.
I remember the first time I held him I promised I would make sure he had the best life I could give him and that he would want for nothing. I promised him that every scrape and bruise I would kiss better. I told him about the world, I told him it could be a cruel place but while he has me he will always be safe.
I remember his big blue eyes looking up at me as I spoke to him and I felt all my dreams had come true.
He began to grow and we became so close, he and I, me and him, me and my shadow, my mini me.
I don't know what changed or when I saw the difference. but they were there, I didn't like them, I wanted my little boy back, the one who laughed at our silly games and songs. I wanted to be able to pick him up in my arms and swing him like I used to but he didn't like it anymore.
I wanted to lay in bed with him on a Sunday morning watching rubbish and eating junk.
I didn't want to sit up until 6 in the morning and then go to bed to be woken just 2 hours later.
I wanted to scream, cry and shout.
But what would that have done for me - nobody believed me, they all said I was worrying over nothing, it was a phase a passing time in his life.
He stopped laughing, and would scream so loud, he would not eat properly anymore.
He didn't like to sleep.
I wanted to fix what was wrong so I said he was naughty, I knew he wasn't but I could cope with naughty.
I didn't want anymore children none would be my baby the way he was, or give me the love he did, I didn't want to replace him or the memories I had of when he was my baby boy so happy. I never wanted anything to get in the way of those memories.
They were my memories I didn't want to share.
I remember holding him and going down the slide "more mummy" he would cry as he laughed so hard.
Jumping in puddles, playing wars, playing dinosaurs and so much more.
Sitting together and not saying a word but the 2 of us would laugh at nothing inparticular we just did.
He went but was there, the same but so different.
His happy blue eyes seemed so sad, I wanted to fix it so very much but couldn't find the way.
So i focused on his learning at which he excelled, and showered him with attention so i didn't think I failed.
I miss my baby as he was, I don't know where but somewhere he got lost.
Now I have a young man who has his ways sometimes just sometimes its almost like those days where we laughed for nothing just not quite the same.
I do have a baby well a little boy now, he hasnt taken those memories away they will be there to stay.
But My special boy, my number one, he will always be my baby.