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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that parents are not always pure in their motives for helping in the classroom!

50 replies

littlebylittle · 17/02/2011 19:49

Had coffee with some parents this week who seem to know and share an unnatural amount about the ability, reading levels etc of other children in their children's classes. Made me glad that for now my dd's school seems to have enough reading help without parents.

OP posts:

Kerrianne · 17/02/2011 21:02

Howdoo for goodness sake they're only five years old. Many of the 'horrors' of today will become the lovely children of the future. I can't believe you'd engineer your child's friendships in that way.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/02/2011 21:04

I think all parents should be banned from the classroom, there's no place for them there and parents need to let their children be, away from them, it's normal and healthy. Is it that some parents just can't let go?

howdoo · 17/02/2011 21:06

Yes, I'm for REAL. FFS.
When someone can tell me what is wrong with encouraging friendships with "nicer" children, then I'm ready to listen.

notnowbernard · 17/02/2011 21:08

It's your judging and labelling of them at 5yrs old which is off, IMO

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/02/2011 21:10

howdoo... but the parents of the 'nicer' children may not rate your DCs as ones that they would want their DCs to mix with. Why not let them make their own friendships without interfering and manoeuvreing?

PlasticLentilWeaver · 17/02/2011 21:11

Let's hope that howdoo's DS class mates are more discerning than wanting to hang around with someone who is being pushed in their direction. Their parents may after all have been helping out and have similar thoughts about keeping their children away from someone who requires a role model in his friendships at 5 years old.

FWIW, I helped out once as I thought my DS would like me to. He has asked me never to do it again, as it made him too sad when I had to leave without him.

ImFab · 17/02/2011 21:11

LyingWitch - it isn't about not being able to let go, it is about trying to help and support the teacher when she has a class full and not enough staff to help. At our school there is 2 TA's for 3 classes so every 3rd week the teacher has no help for a lot of the time.

Kerrianne · 17/02/2011 21:13

I help out a lot in the classrooms but hardly ever my own kid's classes. Infact hardly even their year. It's nice to get a feel and understanding of what a school day is like for my kids. I did a full day once and was shattered by the end of it.

For the first time I could fully understand why mine were so tired when they came home.

FreudianSlippery · 17/02/2011 21:15

I've heard teachers can tell when the motives are dodgy and will try to move them elsewhere.

I am actually waiting for CRB clearance so I can help at my local school. But my motives are pure as my DD won't be going there!

WhensBedtime · 17/02/2011 21:15

Howdoo, I suspect you may get a bit of shock down the line when your children are old enough that you have no influence on who they are friends with.

I have two DC. If you saw each of them in the classroom, you would judge one to be "nice" and one to be a "horror". I believe it to be an important part of the growing up process for children to be able to decide who to be friends with AND to learn to be sensible even when other, less well-behaved kids, are acting up.

FreudianSlippery · 17/02/2011 21:16

Well actually they aren't entirely pure I suppose as it's really to ease myself into a career, but still, at least I'm not doing it to fuel gossip!

notnowbernard · 17/02/2011 21:17

I am sure parent help is invaluable to a teacher

But I feel it should be in a different class to your child's

And Howdoo - you do know that your DS will mix with whoever he bloody well wants to as he gets older, don't you?

You won't be abe to helicopter 'keep an eye' on things for that much longer...

DownyEmerald · 17/02/2011 21:24

I help in dd's school - in fact in her class.

I was a bit surprised that I wasn't "inducted" at all I must admit. But I don't gossip. It's interesting to see what the other kids are like, but actually in getting to know them all better I've liked them all more.

I do it because:
they asked for help for reading
I enjoy working with children - in another life I might have been a teacher (both my parents were and found it tough so I never considered it)
I work part-time and I like to be busy on my days off.
It's a lovely school, and they are all lovely, and it is great to have a little more knowledge of dd's day - she isn't one for sharing!

squaresausage · 17/02/2011 21:27

Actually, I'm sure most teachers would be fine without parental 'help'.
If I displayed Howdoo's attitude towards children (ie labelling them, nice/bad) then I'm sure as a parent she would be the first to complain.
I personally think your sort of influence in a classroom would be destructive. Teachers are trained to bring out the best in EVERY child.
Jeez - I teach secondary kids, how can you be so judgemental on 5 years olds!

PaisleyLeaf · 17/02/2011 21:39

I help in school. My original motive was selfish - I was just totally gutted that DD had to start school at all, so wanted that connection and it it really helped and reassured me about what happens at school.
I still help now that I'm over that because I enjoy it. I like being involved with the school The kids are great. I never gossip about it.

porcamiseria · 17/02/2011 21:42

YANBU

I'd hate that personally

am already hating the school run shit and DS only at pre-school playgroup

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/02/2011 21:45

ImFab... Maybe some parents have pure motive but, from eading the posts here, nobody seems to want anybody else to interact with their DCs ever. I don't think parents have a role in the classroom, too much scope for back-biting, breaches of confidentiality and general competitiveness.

PaisleyLeaf · 17/02/2011 21:50

Half the payed staff at DD's school have children in the school. I guess that would have the same scope for competiteveness etc then?

NormanTheForeman · 17/02/2011 21:55

In our school, as well as not being allowed to help in the same class as your child, you have to be CRB checked (if you are a regular helper) and also you have an induction etc in which it is stressed that anything which goes on in school "stays in school" as it were.

So, although I don't help out in ds's class, I may see (during the time I spend in school) what happens with some of his year group with regard to behavioural issues etc, or overhear what some staff may say in the staff room (I am often there long enough to need togo there to get a cup of tea etc, which i s fine with the school).

Obviously, there is no way I would repeat anything I have seen or heard in school to any other parents, unless it was general public knowledge anyway.

If I did, I would expect to be called in by the school, and told I was not welcome to help.

ImFab · 18/02/2011 07:39

Same at our school, Norman.

And while teachers might manage fine without any parental help I do lots of things in class that might not get done.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 18/02/2011 08:10

I am in two minds about this. When DD was in Y1 I helped at her school on Friday mornings.
We lived in Bangkok then and the school was really well resourced, with each class up to Y3 having a TA and someone for the ESL children. A lot of the mums only went in to find out where their children were in the rankings and to find out gossip about the teachers.
In Switzerland, I never helped because the school, despite charging ridiculous fees, was totally under staffed and, I felt, relied too much on parental help.

Acekicker · 18/02/2011 09:03

Christ, if I thought someone was helping out in DS's class to get to know the children better and orchestrate their friendships I'd be complaining to his class teacher like a shot!

That is such an abuse of the position you're in. I'd rather that my son had someone hear him read less often than him be used as a 'front' for a manipulative and deceitful parent.

The only thing that reassures me is that coming from a family of teachers I know that they do generally cotton on to those who do this kind of thing and it will be dealt with.

Also - seriously, who gives a fuck what level other kids in the class are at, as long as your child is happy and making progress?

HeavenForfend · 18/02/2011 09:12

Perhaps I'm living in a bubble, but at my dds' school there is none of this competitive parenting/wanting to know which kids are on which level crap. I've never, in the 4 years I've been involved and helping in school, encountered anything of the kind.

I help in both dds' classes, never discuss anything with anyone but DH (except perhaps to comment generally on an activity they did) and have no interest in making comparisons between my dds and the other children.

I enjoy helping and the teachers value it. Indeed, it is very clear to see that being heard reading more frequently has made a huge difference to a lot of children's progress.

MurkyTurkey · 18/02/2011 09:31

I love helping out in class. I help in DDs class and find its invaluable to know what she is doing and also how much the terminology has changed, number sentences anyone!

I would never influence DDs friendships though, as if you could.

She recently has taken a shine to the naughty boy in class, even the teacher commented that maybe it would be best if it "fizzled out"

I asked if it was in anyway affecting her behavior, the answer was no.

They now have a really lovely friendship.

KnittedBreast · 18/02/2011 09:34

I would love to go and watch my child at school for a day, id love to see how he interacts with his peers and how the teachers can keep him behaving well and obeying instructions! I would really love to watch him doing PE- so cute I imagine!

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