to think this is very confusing

[cantwatch]

This is going to seem like a very strange post and believe me I don't know what to think. It's like some storyline from Neighbours or something. I just received an e-mail and have never had anything like it.

I was friends with a girl last year who to put it bluntly wasn't nice. In fact she was vile to me. She was a mutual friend so I only saw her a handful of times and when I first met her she was always in tears so I was sympathetic. Anyway, her behaviour grew worse and worse. Every time I saw her I'd be told 'who the fuck do you think you are' over the smallest things. If I went round to her house there were always wierd rules like we all had to sit with the lights off. I thought our mutual friends really liked her so I kept up with the friendship until she was just too rude one time and I broke ties. (It was only after a few weeks) It was a bit awkward with the mutual friends but when I asked them about her recently they said they weren't friends with her either because she was starting to threaten to attack strangers when they were with her.

I was quite shaken by her behaviour and relieved not to see her again. I really felt I'd been bullied.

Anyway, I just got the strangest e-mail from her all this time later apologising saying they found a huge brain tumour and that that had been the cause of her behaviour. She said she had thought I was lovely and hoped I didn't think it was an excuse. She's been having treatment the last few weeks so back to her old self.

Now I've never received an e-mail like this IN MY LIFE!! I believe her about the brain tumour and I also know they can alter behaviour. But really, should I believe this?! I saw her being very abusive to her boyfriend and really never saw much pleasant behaviour from her at all. Wouldn't there have been flashes of vileness interposed with the real, nice her if this was the case? I should reply out of politeness but have no idea what to say!! I think if she suggests meeting up I'd shake just at the thought. But maybe she's happy just to apologize and leave it at that.

I appreciate this looks like the oddest post. It's like a soap opera or something. It's not every day that someone says this to you. I've namechanged but I can pm a regular I know if you want to 'verify' me.

jeez. I'd be polite but non commital "Good to hear from you, I wish you all the best in your recovery" and leave it at that.
I was "friends" with a such a gal at uni, she was quite disturbed I think, having meltdowns when a cute guy walked me home, threatening suicide on a friend's 21 st party...

Gosh; can any of your mutual friends shed any light? If her story is true, then she's had a hell of a time of things and must have been quite brave to send that email. But I'd want verification first....

I'd also find out what the other mutual friends know about the subject and take it from there.

Poor girl if it is what really happened though, and good for her for getting in touch with people I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to do that kind of thing.

I've heard of similar things happening with tumours. Pressure on the brain altering behaviour. Visit her and ask to see some paperwork as proof. If she's not lying and she's better she will probably understand you wanting evidence. Might want to go with somebody else though.

The brain tumour could be a real possibility and the root cause of why she behaved in such a vile way. It would all depend on which part of her brain was affected but if it was the part controlling her personality then her behaviour may not have been representative of the real her at all. My first thought when I read your post was that she wasn't well and possibly has some form of mental illness.

Her email may actually illustrate the real her and I would say she might deserve the benefit of the doubt. Imagine if this was you. How horrified would you be if you had behaved in such an awful but uncontrollable way. And then imagine if all your friends ignore you despite your apologies because they felt angry at your vile, weird behaviour that was actually caused by an illness.

Of course if she is vile to you again then I would say cut all ties but this could be plausible. Good luck

Thanks for replying and believing me!!
I feel sorry for her if it is all true; she must be mortified. I will write that I am sorry for her in my reply e-mail. Having a brain tumour must be terrifying.

I will e-mail the mutual friends. One is moving in with her boyfriend next week so I imagine she's a bit distracted. But I will be very interested to see what they say.

I think you are overusing the word "friend". Go and see if she has a shaved head with staples in it, should be fairly easy to spot.

There are two possible outcomes, one she is lying and two shesctellibg the truth. Only you can decide if it's worth taking a chance.

Thing is I genuinely don't want to see her again, even if she is lovely now. I was left feeling pretty shaken the first time round. It took me a good 6 months to relax if I was going somewhere I knew she might be.

And also what if she's just had something like radiotherapy? I knew someone else with benign tumours who didn't ever have them surgically removed. Although I guess this girl could have; she doesn't specify what the treatment was, just that it's been going on the last few weeks.

She should have some kind of paperwork from a hospital.

Tricky one - do you think if you see her and she is nice it will help to eliminate all the old demons about her previous conduct?

I'm not sure Notalone. I'm still sitting here just thinking how strange the situation is and wondering how the hell to reply to her e-mail. At the moment seeing her again seems impossible, I mean why would I want to!?

But then if she suggests it I need to find a way to say no that is reasonable. It makes me wary because she was always so quick to turn, that I'm scared that if I phrase it wrong I'm going to get a pile of abuse thrown back at me. And last I saw of her, she was physically threatening to attack people for looking at her the wrong way in club toilets (she's 36).

Tiggy, I'm not sure if I can say 'go on then, show me the paperwork.' Maybe if I wanted to see her. But if she's just trying to apologize I don't really want to get drawn in to that level of communication. Although it would be fascinating on one level to see proof!! It's certainly a very strange situation.

But eliminating old demons would be nice, I meant to say. But I'm not sure I dare risk it and I don't think of her nowadays. It was a situation that shook me up at the time and took me time to get over, but I don't spend time thinking of her now. It's only because of the fact this e-mail came out the blue that I'm mulling it all over.

I think I'll be sympathetic but very brief in my reply. I can't see there's any other way to approach it. I'll say thank you and move on.

I guess you can only go on her written communication for now. If she remains humble and apologetic or just "nice" then perhaps one day you may feel that you could bear to meet her in a public place. Maybe you could reply saying you are sorry for what she has been through and ask a few basic questions about how she found out, how she has found treatment etc. The way she replies may well make you feel more at ease and able to make a more informed decision about how to proceed