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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my friend to apologise when her son has been bullying my son?

20 replies

iwantskinnylegs · 17/02/2011 18:19

My son has been bullied at school by my friends son. The school are aware and steps are being taken. My friend and I used to talk every day but since this happened she hasnt contacted me, not even to ask how my son is - he was physically assaulted. I feel really angry with her that she thinks so little of our friendship by not contacting me. It's been over a week. I don't like the idea of falling out over children but I have to put my son first. I am thinking that maybe the friendship has ran its course now, we have been becoming distant over the last year, and that maybe I should just cut her of now and be done with it. Any advice?

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 17/02/2011 18:21

She is probably very embarrassed. You could approach her and see how things progress. If both mothers are united and supportive then this will help with the bullying issue.

PixieOnaLeaf · 17/02/2011 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BoysAreLikeDogs · 17/02/2011 18:21

oh dear

I think that as school is dealing with, as indeed they should, she is leaving it to them

don't go through life making assumptions that folk will behave to you as you would to them - you will be sorely disappointed, many many times

[sagagious]

roadtrain · 17/02/2011 18:23

Agree that she is probably mortified.

However, if I was in her position and afraid to speak to you, I would have at least sent an apology by email and depending on the age of the boys, got him to write a letter of apology.

rickymummy · 17/02/2011 18:23

She could be embarrassed, maybe.

Were you friends before children? I am on the verge of losing one friendship because her youngest terrorises one of my children, and she won't/can't see it. We meet as adults, but I have quietly stopped all playdates etc.

atswimtwolengths · 17/02/2011 18:24

If she's anything like the bullies' mums at my children's school, she won't be mortified at all - she'll be busy blaming everyone else.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 17/02/2011 18:27

Agree with the others, puck the phone up.

Original poster

iwantskinnylegs · 17/02/2011 18:31

Thanks for your replies....to be honest she thinks the sun shines out of her son and will never admit that he does anything wrong - when he is around my house (the boys used to be friends) he is incredibly annoying, running around like a loony and slamming doors etc etc but I put up with him cause he is my friends child. There has been other instances when I have phoned her and asked her to have a word with her son but she always manages to turn it round and ends up blaming the situation on my son.

I did send her an email when I found out about all this which factually told her what had been going on and to ask her to have a word with him - I couldnt bring myself to ring her because I was too upset and would have lost my temper. She has never replied and I don't see why I should contact her, surely it is up to her to contact me.

Dont get me wrong my son is no angel but he is not a bully. By the way they are both 11.

OP posts:

PixieOnaLeaf · 17/02/2011 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

eons26 · 17/02/2011 22:18

Maybe she doesn't think it's all her son's fault? Just a suggestion.

onceamai · 17/02/2011 22:23

Sorry but you will never be best friends again with a woman whose son has bullied your son and the school has been involved. Move on - not your fault, not yours it's just that our children's friends aren't necessarily the children of our own friends.

create · 17/02/2011 22:32

I think if I got an email from a good friend telling me what a nasty piece of work my DS was I wouldn't be in any hurry to reply/speak to her.

You might consider it "factual" but I expect she knows/has heard another version. An e-mail in that situation was never going to help. I understand that you didn't want to speak to her at the time, but what did you hope to achieve with that email?

Horrible for your son, but I think if you were expecting her to be all over you with appologies you were always going to disappointed. You think it's straught forward - her son did a terrible thing, but she won't see it like that at all (whether that was the case or not)

pointydog · 17/02/2011 22:48

You are unlikely to get an apology.

Accept the friendship has ended.

Wotznotnow · 17/02/2011 22:51

what pointydog said

Carrotsandcelery · 17/02/2011 23:38

She hasn't done it to your son. Her son did it. I would expect the apology from her son - probably instigated by you I grant you.

What sort of reception is she likely to get if she does phone to apologise?

I contacted a Mum recently to apologise for a minor thing that my ds had done and she was cold and unforgiving. It left me feeling very angry with her. My apology was genuine at the time but she could have been more gracious.

The mum is possibly fearful that you are too angry and she will get a hostile reaction if she raises the issue.

Al1son · 18/02/2011 00:21

When a friend's daughter bullied DD1 for 2 years I tried to talk to her about it and was told clearly to leave it to school.

I did leave it to school but when they moved school it escalated. This friend ended up really angry with me for believing my DD because the sun shone out of her DD. She was so angry with me for getting the head involved that she cut me out of her social circle and three years later can still barely speak to me.

So her child bullied mine and she is angry with me.

It's not even worth getting into the conversation. Move on. If she gets in touch with you and is civil that's fine but I wouldn't bother if she doesn't.

eons26 · 18/02/2011 23:26

I was accosted in the playground recently by someone I considered to be a good friend. She accused my dc of bullying her dc.

She reprimanded my dc (and me) in front of all the other parents.

It was actually for something (on one occasion) I believe to be normal playground behaviour and really trivial. Apparently my DD chased her DS and he didn't like it. According to my DD he never asked her to stop, he wasn't upset or crying. He was laughing. He then went home and said my DD had bullied him by chasing him.

I actually would prefer that friend had referred it to school - as it is she has just taken the word of her dc - not a balanced view - not investigated - just condemned my dd in a humiliating public way.

Whilst I appreciate my dd can sometimes do the wrong thing, I know that the other dc can be bullying and spiteful himself and has been on numerous occasions. I have let it go as I deemed it normal trivial playground behaviour.

Meanwhile all the parents in the playground, after our very public dressing down, for OMG chasing someone are thinking my dd is a child to be avoided.

I am not suggesting for a minute that for your dc, having been injured, action should not be taken.

But my point is that there are two sides to every story. Maybe she feels her dc wasn't treated fairly, maybe she feels you approached it in the wrong way.

Said mother came up to me today and said very cheerily "hello, how are you". Words can't describe how angry I feel.

Whatever, she is probably very upset and hurt herself. You cannot expect to redeem a friendship once this has happened.

Carrotsandcelery · 20/02/2011 16:52

eons I sympathise - something similar although not the same has been happening to me recently and the mother stands beside me every day in the playground and makes chit chat. It is so awful. It is not in my nature to be rude but I would rather not pretend she wasn't unreasonable and mean. I hope the majority saw sense and know that kids are just kids.

activate · 20/02/2011 16:56

2 sides to every story

you can bet her child has a different side to it

and then you send a factual email? care to share it here?

carabos · 20/02/2011 18:38

My DS2 was seriously injured when playing at a friend's house with a group of mates (not a bullying incident but definitely carelessness on the part of one of the boys -not the host boy). My DS ended up in hospital and nearly lost an eye. The parents of the culprit (both doctors) who we have known through school for years, never picked up the phone to see how my DS was and never mentioned it since. Weird. Just guilt I guess and maybe the mpther of the OP's DC's bully feels the same.

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