What's 'better', in general?

[chickenlittlee]

..Putting up with a marriage for the sake of children or separating?

Separating.

An unhappy marriage is a bad example to set for your children.

You cannot hide it from them no matter how hard you try.

Better to have 2 happy parents apart, than 2 miserable parents together. And children KNOW if you're miserable no matter how much you try to cover up.

I'm with Ladythumb.

My parents divorcing was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Kids always know more than you think they do.

What do you mean by "in general"?

At a population level, intact families produce many better outcomes for the children.

But there are clearly outliers in both directions.

I think if there is no form of abuse and you are generally good friends you should stick with it.
If a marriage is just stale and you feel you have nothing in common, it is far better in my opinion to do everything you can to stay together as a family.

It depends doesn't it? Its not a simple question.
Which is better, living with a violent man/drunk/gambler/waster etc or seperating is quite easy.
Which is better, staying with a man I don't love but don't dislike in our nice home, or separating and live in a bedsit with no money...is not such an easy question.

And there are a million permutations of this question. Ceteris paribus, seperation is usually better than an unhappy marriage, but its not all about you either way.

Working hard at it so that you're no longer "putting up with it".

All marriages go through ebbs and flows, but unless there's something extremely serious that's not going to change, like abuse/violence, imho couples owe it to their children to try to work things out.

It's an old-fashioned view but I agree with Catherine Zeta Jones that you should put your husband before your kids - here because the first child of any marriage is the marriage itself.

If you can create a good relationship with your dh, then the rest should fall into place, despite the dc's best attempts to wreck it through the stress they put you both under.

buzzlitebeer: In my case, it is staying with a man I don't love anymore although I have been trying to, who has temper issues, doesn't respect my opinion/ideas, has pushed me once out of the room because he wanted to watch telly and I was 'nagging' him to change DS's nappy, slapped me once, shouts at me, grits his teeth and then snuggles up to me and plays happy/pretends that nothing happened.

With the situation you describe then the answer I would give is separating is better.

I wouldn't stick with anyone who thought it was okay to slap me.

Chicken - that sounds dreadful - he needs to tackle his temper issues, no doubt at all and he needs to realise it's not ok and he's breaking the law by being violent

Have you been able to talk to him about it and let him know you'll leave if he doesn't change his ways? Would he go to counselling with you to help sort it out?

Years ago I would have said staying for the children if you still get on. Having done that I would now say separate :(

Get out and fast. I wouldn't hesitate to walk/

Have you tried to talk things over? Counselling? Seeking help from other people is usually quite helpful- it could be just a case of him needing to mature and take charge of being a father....

It is not a easy option separating!! You have children togather, you will always be together whether is under one roof or not!

In the situation you describe I would think it's definitely better to leave.

In the past, I have made numerous attempts to talk to him, he listened once and promised to change, which obviously he didn't. After which, whenever I tried, he'd get mad if I pointed out his mistake, never really getting as far as what he could do to make up for it. These days, I don't bother with him.

I have been referred for counselling for pnd, but he is completely against going for relationship counselling as he thinks all is well. Really, what do you do with a man who thinks nothing is wrong?

from what you have posted i say separate. you want you son growing up with your DH as the blueprint for what it meas to be a good partner?

I'd leave in those circumstances. Unless there's a willingness on his part to seek help with his temper issues.

I have never felt so relieved in my life than the day I finally left my ex h.

I was a child in this situation - I say child because I was essentially robbed of this as I grewup and became jaded with life far too quickly as I strove to protect my younger brother from it all. It eventually went too far and we ended up living in council run b&b with every low life you can imagine while we waited for brain addled mother to decide to go back for round 2.

Don't put your kids through it, I have a terrible relationship with my mother now, a non existant one with my father, but a much better one with my therapist!!

The relationship you describe IS abusive, so no hesitation - separating would be better. Relationship counselling is unlikely to help with this situation anyway.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? You don't have to be in constant extreme danger for them to be able to help, even if it's just advice you need.

It's never good for children to be brought up within an abusive, disrespectful relationship. Never.

leave in this scenario.
better now when baby is small.

have you other RL support? friends, relatives?