Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in hating my mother?

26 replies

gael1985 · 17/02/2011 14:54

My mother and I have a fairly tenuous relationship. I haven't spoken to her in the best part of 4 years for various reasons. I got to a point where I felt it was necessary to distance myself from her influences. The constant emotional, psychological bullying and her judgemental nature was just unbearable.

So I'm now 10+4 weeks pregnant, really excited Grin as its my first and thought it was better she heard it from me rather than from one of my 4 brothers. Unfortunately her reaction has been less than pleasant. Far from being excited at the prospect of a grandchild she emailed me to get in touch as soon as possible as "this child has far reaching consequences for her". And was concerned at the fact that "I'm not married and did I even know who the father was?" etc.... "I should consider moving back home for the sake of the child!"

I don't know what I expected, maybe just a congratulations would have been nice. Angry

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 17/02/2011 14:57

You poor woman. YANBU for hoping for something nice from her. This seems to completely reinforce the fact that distancing from her was the right thing to do.

Are you aware of the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships topic. Lots of support there

Congratulations on your pregnancy

DooinMeCleanin · 17/02/2011 14:58

YANBU. Stoopid woman. Your mum that is, not you.

Congrats on the pregnancy.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 17/02/2011 15:02

She sounds like a total cow.

I hope you intend to continue not having her in your life.

I'd love to know what the far reaching consequences to her are of you having a child.

Bloody nutter.

(her not you Grin )

squeakytoy · 17/02/2011 15:05

Send her a message saying there wont be any "far reaching consequences" because she wont hear from you again.

I do hope you partners parents will be more supportive and look forwards to their grandchilds arrival.

:)

GiddyPickle · 17/02/2011 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaadRobot · 17/02/2011 15:07

Well I will say something nice: Congratulations on your pregnancy! Smile
YANBU, I have mother-issues too unfortunately.
I think you did the right thing in breaking the silence to tell her, but I think if it were me, I'd be keeping the distance again now.
And the way she asked if you "even know" who the father is was just bloody rude!

Asteria · 17/02/2011 15:08

Congratulations Grin
Whatever you do don't move home - if she really feels the need to help with the baby then let her come to you (and then go home again asap!).
This child does not have far reaching consequences for her at all - she is just turning this around to be all about her. It would be a shame for your child to never know it's grandmother - but you must allow her in on your terms, not hers. You do not need her eroding your confidence at a time like this.
Just keep reminding yourself that this is her problem, something/someone has made her like this and it is highly unlikely that any of her complaints with you are genuinely from you being at fault. It is most likely that she is projecting her own insecurities and issues onto you.

I am just coming out of 3 years of therapy to fix the damage caused by my similarly messed-up mother - so if you want to moan about her anytime then pm me!

Original poster
gael1985 · 17/02/2011 15:32

I thought I was being a little hard on her... There is a lot of history of domestic violence in her marriages. She was the victim but is now the perpetrator. It's highly unlikely that I would ever return to such a corrosive environment with or without my child.

GiddyPickle Given that I'm 25 and I moved out when I was 18 and never returned home...

I have to say I love my mother- she's my mother after all. But I find it very hard to exclude her from my life and I fear this will be even harder with the arrival of my little one.

Asteria I've also thought about going through therapy. I just hope that I'm a better mother than my mother was to us.

Thankfully my BF soon to be fiance's parents are wonderful grandparents, I'm sure they'll be delighted.

Thanks for being supportive...just needed to rant. Smile

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 17/02/2011 15:34

gael- having a child will undoubtedly bring up all sorts of stuff about your own childhood, and then about how to manage if you decide you want your child to have contact with your mum. Therapy can be a good idea.

BettyCash · 17/02/2011 15:56

Best of luck - it's hard to shut parents out so I hop she mellows out. Look after your boundaries.

And congrats!

LadyThumb · 17/02/2011 16:08

Since joining Mumsnet I have managed to work out most acronyms etc........but could someone please explain to me what 10+4, 38+3 etc. means when talking about pregnancy?

JamieLeeCurtis · 17/02/2011 16:09

10 weeks, 4 days

LadyThumb · 17/02/2011 16:13

Ah, thanks Jamie! In my day it was 'just over 30 weeks' or 'nearly 21 weeks'!!! How accurate things can be in this day and age!

GabbyLoggon · 17/02/2011 16:15

you aren,t alone gael;

writer John Osborne did not get on with mother. (but still sent her money.;) "Gabby"

MumPhD · 17/02/2011 16:35

I am 40 and have an unreasonable mother. She still makes me feel like a naughty nine year old. I love her but do not like her :-( She is always critical about how I am bringing up my daughters! You just have to remember that you are the mother of your child and she can be part of that child's life as long as she follows YOUR rules.

supersewer · 17/02/2011 20:47

congratulations - find a friend who can substitute - who needs mothers!!!

mine told me I had ruined my life when I informed her of my pregnancy (even though it was within a very happy marriage!!)

Eglu · 17/02/2011 20:52

YANBU. Congratulations on your pg. It seems you can not expect much from your Mum. At least you have done what you felt was your duty to tell her that you are pregnant.

GruffalosGirl · 17/02/2011 20:59

YANBU and don't worry about your new baby being negatively affected by having no contact with your mother.

My DS (and DC to be) has no contact with my DH's dad and never will and it has no negative effect on him. Just surround both you and your DC with people that love you and it will all be fine.

eons26 · 17/02/2011 21:06

I have a difficult mother. She criticises everything I do. I'm 43 now and she still does.

My DD is 5 and she now criticises her. She also criticises my nieces (but interestingly not my nephews).

My advice would be, do exactly as you have been. Inform her of your news. Stay where you are. Don't do anything she says.

Anything slightly controversial, don't confide in her.

Live your life happily. Allow her to visit for short periods (I mean 2 hours).

Keep in perspective that you have a happy life and hers is sadly not the same but that's just the way it is.

Congratulations by the way!

QuickLookBusy · 17/02/2011 21:11

My sister and I used to have a saying regarding our mother.."She never fails to disappoint".

Everytime we gave her the opportunity to be involved in our families, we always ended up regretting it.

You were thinking of your mum when you told her of your pregnancy. Sounds like she was only thinking of herself.

Concentrate on the people who will support you. Congratulations by the way.Grin

stoppingat2 · 17/02/2011 21:13

gruffalosgirl - ditto for my family and DC. We are sane and happier without the their twisted and vile behaviour. DH said he will never allow them into our lives agin. It's tehm that is missing out as we gained nothing from them - just utter grief and nastiness.

MosEisley · 17/02/2011 21:25

I have a difficult mother.

I found this place helpful. But not as fun as MN so I hang out here mostly.

Good luck, and don't be afraid to say no.

MosEisley · 17/02/2011 21:26

oh yes, I forgot to say, congratulations! Smile

LaWeasel · 17/02/2011 21:33

Congratulations!

MN is great for other people with rubbish mothers.

My happy pregnany announcement was met with the suggestion I have an abortion, and then when that was mooted her complaining about the fact that she would have to stay local to 'help me' we should move in with them blah blah.

Total rubbish. I am not incompetent, selfish, or ruining her life - she is ruining her own.

I had therapy about a year ago and I found it really helpful. To add another recommendation.

To warn you my mother did get worse after DD was born, she kept turning up at my house in tears because 'she never saw DD' (despite the fact she did this twice a week and fool I am I'd let her in) and I had to put my foot down in the end. But putting my foot down that once and saying she wasn't allowed to visit without calling and checking first was probably the best thing I ever did for my mental health.

MadamDeathstare · 17/02/2011 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.